To start WW3 with my SIL

Convictions are a matter of public information not private. Post the link to his court report and let’s see if it changes the mind of 93% of us who think you’re the problem 🤣

OP, I’m going to try to be kind and helpful.

It was obviously unkind and quite spiteful that your sister in law told your friends about your husband’s criminal convictions. No dispute about that. But the fact your friends have stopped speaking to go because of him surely must have you pause to consider how serious it is?

Is he the father of your children? It seems as though the offence was in relating to a child. That’s a real worry (a far bigger worry than starting WW3 with anyone). And 5 years is not that long ago. I thought you were going to say the offence was 20 years ago, maybe when he was a teenager. You really should reflect very seriously on whether he is a safe person to be around.

Now onto the “WW3”. All your choice of language suggests you are a drama seeker. Most mature adults don’t talk about “starting WW3” with anyone, or that the person in question is not even “blood related”. And they certainly don’t stop all contact just because that person sulked off out of a room. Your reaction - cancelling Easter plans and going no contact with your sister in law - was a wholly disproportionate reaction. So, the second thing I think you need to do is work on your reactions to small life stresses. This started as such a non event.

And the third thing to think about is I do not accept that you don’t recall what it was your husband said to your niece. You need a bit of honesty with yourself around this (not with us we don’t matter). But if he teased her unkindly (even under the guise of a “joke”) that is really not good.

It seems to be that the problem here is much more your husband and your own immature over reaction than it is your sister in law (though, as I’ve said, she was spiteful).

You really, in my view, need to take a hard look at your husband and yourself. It’s not an easy thing to do. But you really risk damaging your children if your response to a minor fall out is to cancel plans and cut people off. You also risk damaging them. Even more so, if you have brought a dangerous man into their lives.

Yes,that's a valid point. I suppose my answer would be that being a reformed character- turning from a criminal to a law abiding citizen (which is admirable) - doesn't stop someone being a knob!

And we don't know that his comment was in any way related. If it was then it puts a totally different spin on things, of course.

Your SIL has already quietly unleashed WW3 and you don’t like it. Reminding them that you don’t want to see them at Easter is exactly the kind of nasty thing my ex-SIL would do hoping to get a reaction.

What makes you think your SIL would let you control the situation? You risk never seeing her kids again (believe me it happens) and for that matter your brother again.

Time to stop your knee jerk hitting out reactions and THINK it through and how you can repair this.

You’ve got two choices, completely burn all your bridges and do more damage or start rebuilding bridges.

Good luck.

I thought the same thing , surely he isn't blood related either?

I've just googled what gets a prison sentence of 5 years and they're all pretty dreadful, so I would distance myself from you too, even if he's reformed.

YABVU

It isn’t for you to decide what a person can and cannot be uncomfortable about especially when it wasn’t aimed at you.

You, yourself said you felt uncomfortable about their reaction so why is your feelings ok but theirs isn’t?

This type of stuff irks me. I had family members like this who made jokes at/about me and if I didn’t laugh and said nothing or obviously looked uncomfortable (never walked out), they were then uncomfortable and made it out as if I was the problem when they could have kept the ‘joke’ to themselves.
Worse, we don’t have that type of relationship or even close whatsoever.

You can go “nuclear” but it’s highly likely it is not going to go the way you hope.

Right! SIL's probably tired of their ish.

It’s highly unlikely her friendship circle ostrasiced her over something like that. And it involved a kid and she says she doesn’t want to say what it is as it looks bad written down, the only things that look bad written down, are bad,

So has your reformed character husband apologised to the niece? Has he not learned from his previous history about being honest about mistakes and accepting responsibility when your actions hurt others?

You told your brother that you wouldn't see his wife at Easter.

Why would he want to see you anyway after your husband insulted his daughter?

Neither of you remember the comment but seem to remember absolutely everything else. Interesting. It seems bad enough for a fairly neutral person (your mother) to ask you to apologize, to which you left the house. You note that you were made to feel uncomfortable in your parents house which feels unacceptable to you, but you dont see that your nieces comfort is also important. You don't see the double standards in calling your sister in law a sulking toddler for exiting to another room, when you left the house yourself "raging". Honestly, it sounds like it was the behaviour of both of you which made everyone else uncomfortable. Her not being a blood relative is irrelevant as neither is your DH; neither of you seem at all willing to consider his behaviour as inappropriate or even share it for others to understand.

You seem very dramatic cutting your sil off for such a trivial thing, and referring to all of this as ww3.

Lastly, the information about your husband is not private. If there are articles about it it is a matter of public record. I personally believe people can change but it is entirely up to your friends whether they want to be around that, particulalry if the offence involved children. Those are the consequences of committing crimes, even if you turn your life around after. Your sil also owes you very little after you tried to ostracize her. What loyalty should she show to the non blood relative of a sister in law who has just cut her off for no reason? I wouldn't feel any.

Also team SIL from what is on here. Would love to hear her side.

sounds like your H has said something horrible. He was also in prison for child related something that sounds bad written down (!). SIL has walked off - good for her. You’ve then had your own strop and name called her to her own H. You’re expecting your brother to do something with you at Easter and not her! Good for him to ignoring you. You’ve tried to cut her off and now she’s got her own back.

I hope you don’t have your own kids OP. I think your friends and family are right to stay away.

She did more than that she called her a toddler and said both of them never wanted to see her again, all because she got upset over a comment, and from the way the op is behaving I’m going to have to say it’s a safe bet it was an upsetting comment,

you asked for this op, by being a bully, and like all other bullies you really don’t like it when someone stands up to you. And now you are no contact anyway, so what the fuck will you do? You already took the nuclear option.

So let's sum this up. Your DH said something mean to your niece and your SIL didn't like it. Your mum told him to apologise so she obviously thought it was offensive too. You and your DH have ccnveniently forgotten what was said, which given the fuss you made about it, I don't believe.
Then your DH has a conviction involving a child, you won't say what it is because it will sound bad. Your SIL told people and they are shunning you so it probably is bad. But you and your DH think it's nothing so you think people should ignore it.
Do you see the pattern here?
Maybe your SIL overreacted, maybe she didn't. The fact your mum also is on your niece's side suggests not.
You, on the other hand, sound jealous of your SIL and in denial about your DH. What is perfectly, perfect anyway? Someone who didn't marry a convicted felon perhaps?
Your message to your brother was rude and unnecessary. Apparently, the need for social niceties only applies to other people.
And, no your SIl isn't in the wrong telling people. If it involved a child then people will want to know. She's not the villain here, look close to home for that.

If your sil is the only one not blood related in your parents house then have you married your cousin?

You wouldn't be seeing your niece and nephew if I was SIL, not without me.
Five years ago is not a long time, presumably from sentencing (in the papers), means it isn't that long since he came out of prison. You don't get to decide that it was for something far worse than it sounds written down.
You seem very sure of yourself and aggressive. I'm not surprised she's wary of you.

Can you not even see that your DH has had no fallout? He's got everything he wanted. A woman fighting for him, isolated from her family and friends and doubling down because he's all she has left.

Your family were generous to include him and you've shat all over it.

Does he even have family who want him involved?

Your dh said something that upset sil. Instead of apologising or even just sweeping under the carpet you escalated things by not seeing them at Easter.

Probably a bit shit of her to tell dh past to school mums but she doesnt owe you anything at this point.

Growing up we had a family friend who had been imprisoned. Contrary to assumptions made here, his offence was neither sexual nor violent. It was perhaps the equivalent of some driving-under-the-inflience offences. Very dangerous and utterly stupid and reckless and could have resulted in a loss of life. He didn't hurt anyone but the action was serious enough that he was imprisoned. He was a good friend to us for many years and never did anything even remotely similar again.

I would say that if OP's partner's offence was similar then then yes, it was rude of OP's SIL to share the information but the school parents are equally at fault for being unable to see past a mistake made however many years ago and for indulging the SIL in hurtful gossip. They could distance themselves from the partner if they felt that strongly but no need to drop the OP.

(But if there are newspaper articles freely available, OP, then I'm afraid she hasn't shared anything "private".)

I agree that you sound like you enjoy a bit of drama though, OP. If you don't even know what your husband said to your niece then you really can't say that your SIL is a "stroppy toddler". You could have asked her or your brother. And let's pretend that it was truly "nothing" - why not just roll your eyes and move on? It's hardly a huge deal that requires you to go NC with her. You are also "stropping off" for no good reason. You sound really quite unkind and childish yourself.

Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

Nope-it's because you've got a nasty husband.

I don't disagree with some of your points. I personally know 3 men who have been in prison (all only on remand and freed later). I have no concerns about any of them and they are genuinely nice blokes who made silly decisions when young. They have all grown up and moved on with their lives.

However, none of them make jokes that make other people feel uncomfortable and could potentially be linked to their previous histories.

As much as you can support reform and growth, and want to give people genuine second chances (and it seems this family have been very generous in this regard) you have to accept that you may be given less leeway when behaving badly especiallyif it is linked in some way to your crimes.

Would SIL's version be along the lines of -
I love my husband but I struggle with his brother. He's got a criminal conviction and I can't just forget about but I still have to see him at family events. I don't really like DC being around him either but as he's DH's brother I can't avoid him.

This weekend he said something really off to my daughter and I felt so upset for her and angry - who does he think he is? I went in the other room to avoid him rather than tell him what I think but now my SIL is pissed off I did that. MIL asked him to apologise but they just got in a huff and went home.

The op won't be back.

Even if she did decide to disclose what her husbands crime was (which would out her) and what he said, everyone's gone too far down the rabbit hole of worst case scenarios to read it without bias.