To start WW3 with my SIL

They're assuming the worst because OP hasn't clarified and has said "it looks worse on paper" and it involves a child, and he went to prison for it.

What else are they supposed to assume? A petty theft of a bottle of whiskey from Tesco and a 9yo was the only witness?

The going to prison is the key, it can't really have been a minor offence 🤷‍♀️

She meant the SIL flounced off and made her uncomfortable and isn´t blood related. Not sure what the last one has to do with anything, but she didn´t mean the niece.

The fact that me and my husband cant remember what offended her so much to cause an atmosphere and leave the room shows it wasnt the a big deal. If he had said something horrible to my neice id have said something to her. I love my neice. I only knew because my mum told my husband to apologise. So we went home and were raging

you do know. As does your husband, you were both just embarassed to be called out on his bad behaviour and your sil leaving the room highlighted It. Your own mother said he should apologise, if you didn’t know you could ask her. You do know. That’s why you’re not.

but instead of apologising you took the nuclear option thinking you could bully her. Now you’ve your come uppance.

I mean why shouldn’t she tell everyone. It’s not like your blood.

You unfortunately have double standards @Allthewineandallrhedrinks

Your husband went to prison for something involving a child but you expect everyone to forgive and forget.

Your husband said something to your niece (that you have conveniently forgotten what it was) and you expect everyone to forget about it.

However, your SIL gets upset over whatever it was your husband says and leaves the room. But YOU won't forgive and forget (not that there is anything to forgive) and refuse to see her again.

Can you not see how unreasonable and disproportionate you are being?

I don't know...if it was over 15 years ago perhaps he was involved in gang crime and was 'groomed' into that life from a young age, in which case children are embedded into that life 🤷 but you know, I'm wildly guessing and extrapolating off two words - like everyone else!

My point is everyone's jumping on things to assume the worst and there's no evidence for the worst in the post. Most of us write badly on this site - especially when emotions are high.

Op won't be back because most people have already decided her husband is some form of child abuser.

I still think she's behaved badly throughout this whole scenario and that she should have accepted by now if people find out about his past they're going to judge. I think she's been out of line

Personally, unless her husband could post an ongoing risk to children, I think her SIL was out of line too - not for the Ops sake, but for her child's. They might not even know about their dad's past but are likely to suffer for it now its school-gate gossip.

What's with all the "blood contact" thing as well. Your husband isn't a "blood contact" in your parents house either!

You sound really unpleasant and I think you’re sugar coating what your husband has done. I’m team SIL. I would be so relieved not having to see you or your criminal husband

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks
Let's be realm... The fact you cant even tell strangers what he did say a lot.
It's presumably violent if not sexual.

Put yourself in your friends shoes....
They've been socialising with you and allowed their children into your home...
I would be absolutely furious you didn't mention your husband had done YEARS in prison for a violent crime and would want nothing at all to do with you. In particular because its a lie of omission but also because your dh/ dp is capable of extreme violence.

Im not the problem here

Yes you are.
How convenient that you can’t remember the “jokey” comment your husband made.
You’re really overreacting to someone leaving a room, OP. Not wanting to see her again and arranging separate Easter events so that you don’t have to see her? Seems very extreme. You say she made you uncomfortable in your parents house because she left the room. Maybe you and your husband made her uncomfortable when he was mean to her daughter.

And now, it’s quite satisfying really. You tried to ostracise her and don’t want to see her at family events. Your friends are now ostracising you and don’t want to see you. You reap what you sow.

@NavyNorris looks like we're on exactly the same page here with consecutive comments 😂

What your SIL originally did (sulking as you put it) may well have been unreasonable but going NC over it is a massive overreaction. She has responded by retaliating, and her retaliatory action is more of a reason to go NC - but seeing as she did it after your overreaction, you should take responsibility here.

As for your friends, if they don’t want anything to do with you after hearing your side too, then that’s how it is. It would have happened however they found out.

This and I can imagine if you've been ostracised by an entire group of friends then it's pretty clear whatever crime your husband committed is pretty awful.

And yes it would be great to make out we live in an understanding, judgement free society but we don't. That's life and if I'd found out that a friends husband had been sent to jail for a crime committed against a child, I can't imagine I'd be wanting to stay friends with them.

If it wasn’t a big deal why did you call your brother to say separate Easter’s this year?

Nasty comments disguised as jokes are still nasty comments.

Your friends have obviously read the reports on your husband and made their own minds up.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks you still haven't said what your husband said to your niece - you must know what it was yourself to be able to determine that it's 'nothing'. Your mum thought it serious enough to make your husband apologise, so why don't you? And her not being blood is irrelevant - her daughter, your niece and your brother's child is blood. If it's about her, she has every right to be pissed if she determines it appropriate to be so.

Context in this is very important, so besides knowing what was said things like age of niece, was she upset etc? But you can't expect people to judge all of these elements seperately if we don't know what they are. The nuggets of information you provided here don't add to that.

And, to be fair, yes she might have told them the information but she hasn't made them shun you - they made that decision on their own. And if the information is publicly available (did you mention an article or did I dream that?), it would have inevitably come out at some point. And if it is child sensitive, parents will want to know

What he said to your niece clearly wasn't nothing if your mum told him to apologise as well as your SIL being upset.

I also doubt that no one can remember what he said- if you can't remember then how do you know "it wasn't that bad"?

Also, if your husband was in prison for 5 years and it was in the paper then it's obviously something bad. Given you have upset half your family and your friends have cut you off, I don't know that I would trust your definition of "bad" either.

I don't think your SIL sharing something that you yourself said was public knowledge (it being in the paper) is unreasonable.

Id like to hear your SIL's side of things.

Still curious how you will start ww3 op when you’ve already went no contact and informed them you never want to see her again.

sending her poison pen letters maybe?

I really really dislike people who minimise their own bad behaviour. Whatever your dh said it was bad.
Five years ago he also did something bad.
Now you have decided you are "starting ww3" with your sil.
Just think about you and dh' s behaviour here.
This is on you. Not her.

Sorry, even the title ‘to start WW3 with SIL’ .. so petty. You did start it, and she retaliated. Good for her.

You’re not coming out of this well OP. I’d say you’re definitely the problem.

You sound very problematic.

Things said ‘in a jokey way’ are usually digs dressed up as a joke, and she has clearly taken it this way. To try and cut her out over that is mental.

Over 15 years ago, not 5 years ago.
Looks like it was a typo
mums have found the news paper about what he did ( over q5 years ago).

Your Mum is going to end up in the middle here. If you want to keep a relationship with your family, don't make her pick sides like you tried to do with your Brother. You've lost your friends (and won't get them back), your Brother's loyalty lies with his family being his wife and Daughter.

If you're wanting to keep in contact with your family, you're going to need to admit your husband said something wrong (if he did) and stop brushing it off.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks , glass house and stones.
It doesn't sound like you're in a position to win this war, so stand down.
Your child-related ex-con said something seemingly offensive to a child, which pissed Your SIL off. You then decides to go nuclear with your reaction when you can'teven recall what it was; and SIL decided to take it straight to hell.

Just accept you played a stupid game and lost. No more damage needs to be done, as with news articles and all, it sounds like SIL has a lot more rope left to hang you and you may end up derailing your husband's 'rehabilitation'.

She doesn't mention a 5 year sentence?

mums have found the news paper about what he did ( over q5 years ago).

This was probably meant to say it was over 15 years ago but again relates to time elapsed, not time served.

Your subject line and your post make me want to hear sils version 🤣