To start WW3 with my SIL

“The fact that me and my husband cant remember what offended her so much to cause an atmosphere and leave the room shows it wasnt the a big deal. If he had said something horrible to my neice id have said something to her. I love my neice. I only knew because my mum told my husband to apologise. So we went home and were raging”.

Because you and your DH “can’t remember” what he said doesn’t mean what was said was OK. It was bad enough to upset your niece, it was bad enough that your mum told him to apologise. He told you what he said was nothing? Perhaps you’re used to accepting his minimisation of what he says and does? If your DH has any kind of offending involving children you can expect people to want to keep away. Is he on the SO Register? People with children have every right to know. You sound like an aggressive nightmare, defending and downplaying something awful by “starting WW3”.

When you have skeletons in your closet as your DH does, you keep those people who are aware of the secret on the right side of you. You don’t antagonise them. You started this argument and they have played their ace card by revealing this info. It’s an own goal.

I think it really depends on what the offences were that "did sort of involve a kid". I know the OP has said he has done his time and is now a good man, but that's her opinion, and depending on the crime, and given that the OP's friends would appear to be other school mum's, then I actually think they may have good reason to want to distance themselves now that they know what crime he committed.

What I am inferring from this story:

OP's DH made either a creepy comment or took the piss out of the niece. Niece's mother was alarmed, appalled or simply really upset about what he said and left the room because of it. OP deciding to cut off SiL because of this is utterly childish.

The SiL apparently telling other school mums about DH criminal offence? As we know it was child-related (and the OP saying it wasn't 'sexual' doesn't mean it isn't of interest to other parents), it sounds like SiL thought the other parents ought to know.

I doubt OP will be back.

Everytime I come back to this thread (pathetically invested, I know!), and click for the next page of comments, I'm tensing up and waiting for it to refresh with the MNHQ "blue comment of doom" to say 'the OP has requested we take down the thread for fear of being recognised irl' or when the 'journo' comes along and purloins it for the DM! 🤣

To be honest if l were any of the school mum friends l would be furious at OP for not being honest about her DH’s conviction involving a child. Who they really are, is concerned that their children may have been around someone who may present a threat to them.

Clearly SiL is aware of the conviction and the remark DH made to her DD has caused her to rethink whether he is safe to be around. Making sure that the wider school mum group are also aware of the situation is the responsible thing to do. If OP is being shunned because of it, then it was clearly not an insignificant offence.

He cant remember exactly what was said because he said it was so nothing and therefore OTT for her to walk out in a strop
Well it's not nothing as it caused offence. You and he are in no position to decide it was nothing if he claims not to remember what was said. Convenient.
As for him being imprisoned for doing something to a child. That's horrendous

When people on MN say a comment was 'jokey' I read it as a 'a passive aggressive dig'. That always makes more sense.

OP - you sound very unreasonable. I think your brother and his wife are doing the right thing by removing themselves from this melodramatic set up.

And as for your husbands criminal past being private - it's not. It's a matter of public record.

All of this with bells on.

Your husband made a comment, your SIL walked away, but somehow it's about you feeling uncomfortable?

I’m just really surprised that op thinks her brother and his dc would still want contact with her after her behaviour!

YANBU for being furious at her for telling people about your H. That was an awful thing to do and your "friends" behaviour has shown who they really are.

YABU for contacting your brother about Easter, you should have waited for him to bring it up and then discussed the situation

Well I doubt you're still reading, but I don't know how you don't recognise that this is all down to you.

Your SIL took herself to another room to avoid exploding in response to what was said. That was probably the best option open to her at that point, rather than have a row at your parents'. And then she put it away and didn't bring it up again.

But then you acted like a complete child

I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again

Really? Are you eight years old? You lit a firework off and caused a family rift entirely unnecessarily. Pathetic.

She’s calculated this just to get own back. Yes she has, and she’s absolutely hit the jackpot. You started it, she’s finished it by sharing this shocking news. Sounds like you have more to lose by throwing a wobbler than she does. You started this.

You decided to be shitty about the nieces strop (you still haven’t said how old the niece is, 6? 16? 26?) and it’s antagonised SIL so much she’s got her own back big style. She’s already started WW3 hun, and won it. Sounds like you have lost your friends and family by sending a rude message about Easter. Was it worth it? Was the nieces reaction so bad it was worth all this? Again, her age and the ‘jokey’ comment are hugely relevant. If your DH said ‘Hey have you put on weight?’ To a 16 year old then yeah, her strop was justified.

The fact your describe something being said "in a jokey way" makes me think it was probably weird (in a bad way) or insulting. I would probably do more than just go sulk in another room if someone made a comment about my child "in a jokey way". As his crime that he went to prison involved a child (although not in a sexual way), given he may be around those school mums children I think she was right to tell them as you clearly didn't, how they have reacted to that is not her problem. I'd also not want to be friends with someone who is in a relationship with someone who had gone to prison for a crime involving children.

The fact that you won't say

• what the conviction was for and
• what your husband said to your niece

Convictions are private matters. It was in the papers to begin with (which by the way sounds bad)

Also, cutting her off for "sulking" - which was no doubt her way to avoid an argument - is childish. Your comments about her being miss perfect make it sound like you have a massive chip on your shoulder...

How can your husband have said something offensive, been asked to apologise, and not remember what it was???? This is total nonsense.

I appreciate you not wanting to discuss your partners convictions or what was said but I think it’s probably vert relevant. In my option you started the ‘war’

I don't see why she should keep your dirty secrets now you've made it clear that you don't see her or your niece as family.
You obviously do know what your husband said, or at least he does, because they would have said. Maybe ask your mum what the offending comment was, since your husband conveniently can't remember now.

It sounds like your family has too many skeletons in the closet to be starting feuds tbh.
People in glass houses...

At the very least he put the child at risk in some way, and OP’s SiL is trusting her DD around him. I’d bet the farm that the remark he made has caused her to rethink whether that’s wise. OP and her DH seem to be very self absorbed and clearly not self aware, or they would know why SiL took offence.

I can tell by the way this is written that you’re the problem! 🤣🤣

You want to start a 'war' with the wrong person. What is so scary about being single that you would remain in a relationship with this man? He has a conviction for an offence against a child and even though you say he is reformed he makes inappropriate comments towards another child! Your friends didn't distance themselves because of your SIL, they did so because they want to safeguard themselves and their DCs against a bad man and the woman who has kept his background a secret.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again

You had already made a big deal out of it and started a war!

OK, she retaliated badly and has been really horrible since.

BUT whatever was said ‘jokily’ obviously upset her. What you / your DH should have done was say it was obvious you had unintentionally caused upset, please explain so we can apologise.

But no: you cut her off and then tell your brother you won’t see them over Easter and sling out nasty insults about your SIL.

She has now upped the stakes (as happens when you start a war) and been very nasty indeed.

But convictions are not private . They are a matter of public record.

Great that your DH has turned his life around. Support him by not turning every interaction into a war that brings retaliation?