To start WW3 with my SIL

The fact you won't even say what his crime is means it's really bad. And the fact you're with him and insisting it doesn't matter, covering up for him etc means you're not a safe, trusted person to your friends. I would feel the same. I'm sorry if that feels harsh but it's part of the cost of associating with a criminal. I also suspect you do remember what he said to your niece and that he was out of line. I'm fully with your sister in law (and ex friends). You can probably turn it around a bit by apologising to your sister in law and wider family.

Op can you take a step back and try to think it through logically,

whether you felt the comment was irrelevant or not, it upset your niece and her mother, your own mother also felt it was unacceptable and he should apologise.

this is what most people would have done. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any offence, move on.

but you and your husband went full on scorched earth and attacked. You left the house raging, in your own words, then cancelled a normal Easter and informed your brother you were going no contact with his wife, calling her a toddler. You thought you had the upper hand, you did not. You never did. The moment he failed to apologise you both lost any claim to the upper hand,

your lengthy diatribe over your sister in law, her career, her fitness, her lifestyle, her charity work, her education, and your clear fury your family love her, displays your envy fully, which I suspect is at the root of all this. Envy can make us behave unreasonably, so take a step back.

this is your brothers wife, your nieces mother. You and your husband put a division in the family and for no reason at all.

now whether she told or what happened we don’t know, and I suspect neither do you for sure, but the way you’ve treated her, why should she keep you and your husbands secret when you both treat her so terribly? I am absolutely certain if the shoe had been on the other foot you’d have been telling everyone who would listen. Not just one person. You’d have used it to attack her, bully her and humiliate her,

every one of your actions have been questionable at best, and you downplay it all, even claiming she made it personal, you were not making a big deal of it, having just told us you’d cancelled Easter and told your brother neither of you wish to see her again, as your husband caused offence. If that’s not personal and making a big deal of it I don’t know what is.

I think the onky option now is complete no contact with your brother and his family, You won’t apologise and now too much damage has been done. The families have to stay apart.

Is your husband one of the Bulger murderers?
you sound like a child.
But they're not your friends.

OP, I feel for you. Your SIL had no right to do that.

BUT, I think your husband deeply upset her with that comment, and maybe it wasn't a 'big deal' to you or him, but it clearly was to her. It really upset her. You/your husband should have apologised to her for the offence even though you didn't intend to hurt her.

I think it's the fact that instead of apologising, which is the decent thing to do, you doubled down, didn't apologise, then spitefully told your brother you didn't want to see him at Easter because your SIL was hurt. Making that call makes you spiteful and vindictive, so while wrong, I can see why she would want to 'get her own back'. Should she have done that? No way! But you basically kicked it all off by getting the hump with SIL feeling hurt, and spitefully saying to your brother you didn't want to see him now.

All your DH had to do was apologise to her for any offence, it would have died down. You, poured petrol on a bbq, and SIL in turn, poured more petrol that turned it into a massive bonfire.

You should not start WW3, because you basically started it with her anyway when you told you cut off your brother out of spite. I'd leave it now and stay away from her. A simple apology from your DH would have stopped all of this. But because he was too stubborn to do the right thing, now you all suffer, and you made it worse. It's too late now for apologies.

You definitely are the problem.

If I were your SIL there is no way that I'd let you see my kids any more so you planning to just cut her off but still see her children is probably pretty unrealistic.

If the crime that your DH went to prison for looks really bad written down, that's because he must have done something really awful, particularly if it involves a child.

You and your DH seem like a match made in heaven with your complete lack of awareness about how your behaviour, past and present, is coming across.

"said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother."

Do you think this could be why she embarrassed you? It's rather harsh, isn't it?

I think this is exactly what happend and OP knows it. OFC she remembers the comment her H made to her niece, she is just choosing not to share it.

First post nailed it… I want to hear SIL version.

No it wasn’t nice for SIL to tell people about your DP but you clearly don’t like each other and it doesn’t sound like you’ve been very nice to her yourself… I guess she might see this as an actions have consequences thing and she owes you nothing!

I don't for one minute believe that you and your husband can't remember what he said to your niece.
You sound like a nightmare.

I doubt that SIL told the friends about husband’s criminal past as revenge.

I bet that the “joke” was related to whatever he went to prison for. SIL has had to bite her lip around her husband’s family for years - uncomfortable about the criminal past. The “joke” pushed her over the edge.

She was then talking to a mutual friend and friend said “How come you and Allthewine aren’t talking anymore?” and her response was the honest truth “Well he went to prison for X and I’ve bitten my lip and felt uncomfortable about it for years, then on Sunday he made X joke and it pushed me over the edge. That’s whey we’ve called out.”

Friend is then horrified to find out what he did and warns all the other school Mums whose kids are around him.

Exactly , ops jealous of the sil. She’s juts jealous because she married a disgusting criminal and has been found out.

quoted wrong post - sorry

him being in jail for a bit in his 20s in bar fights over 40 years go, isn't the same as being sent to prison for something sort of involving a kid that "looks worse written down" and a result of the entire justice system "being OTT".

Are you familiar with the FAFO acronym @Allthewineandallrhedrinks ?

Mini SIL here. I don't drink. I don't even vape. What a weirdo.

Of course he remembers what he said! He’s just minimising or lying.

Your husband said something to upset your sister in law about your niece. The fact he doesn't remember what it is, doesn't necessarily mean it was something nothing Only that he perhaps doesn't want to repeat what he said.

As revenge for saying whatever it is he said ,Your sister-in-law's repeated factually accurate information to your friends. You might not like it but one is a consequence of the other. You may feel your husband has changed and learnt from his actions and he may well have done but the fact remains it happened and the information is available. If they've chosen to withdraw from you then that is on them and not your sister in law. If it has an impact on your children although this would be unfortunate again it's a consequence of their father's/ your husband actions and not your sister-in-law's.

people being massively OTT and extreme.... what the justice system?

Still be interesting to know what he did that "looks worse on paper"

I find the irony off the scale that the OP thinks that her SIL who she emphasises several times is not blood related walking out a room over and making her feel awkward is "OTT" but her husband who also isn't blood related, making an offensive comment to her niece that their own mum said warranted an apology is completely OK.

And maybe what your SIL did isn't kind, but your friends have made up their own mind. People don't get custodial sentences based on "overreactions". And it isn't a private family matter anyway. I can almost guarantee this information would have come out sooner rather than later. You chose to have kids with a criminal record and jail time and this is the risk you take.

Honestly OP, all of this is of your own making. It's staggering the lack of self awareness.

She doesn't vape?
Who does she think she is?

It definitely sounds like you and your OH are the problem here. You can report your own OP and say you didn't get the response you expected and ask for it to be deleted. You've behaved terribly. You don't seem to have reflected on how you've caused this situation. If you don't do this, you should expect more of the same.

I think however the SIL reacted OP would have found an issue.

SIL can do no right in OP’s eyes because OP from her posts comes off as hating that her blood family loves SIL and says nice things about SIL. My guess is it is probably not the same for OP’s DH and/or perhaps even OP’s family wasn’t as keen on her marrying him from the get go. There’s a lot of animosity towards SIL for pretty ordinary things and I bet SIL and OP’s brother are well aware of OP’s feelings about SIL.The way she writes about her on here, can only imagine what it’s like in person.

OP - if you do come back to this, please reflect on how other people who I assume have met your DH have reacted to hearing about his previous conviction.

If the school mums have cut you out for this, then either it’s really bad and you’ve been minimising, or they were never your friends, you thought you’d built a good network but hadn’t really. Or perhaps it’s a bit of both.

If you don’t want to be friendly to your brothers wife, fine- but if you aren’t friends anymore, you really can’t expect her to keep your secrets.

If telling the truth is all your SIL had to do to ruin your life, they you were always on pretty thin ice.

But she refuses to say what he did to get landed in prison or what he said to his niece. This means that all people can do is read between the lines and it means that clearly all OP wanted was an echo chamber to reassure her that she and her husband (who at the very least is a lawbreaker who makes offensive jokes to teenage girls) are in the right. The whole thread was therefore pointless really.

The only thing that I can say is that I wouldn't ever blank another parent (especially one I was previously good friends with) unless I thought my child was at risk.

I don’t know why you just didn’t talk to your sil about what what’s said at the time.