MIL is driving me to insanity

Weird obsessions about random crap were an early sign of vascular dementia for my MIL but only in hindsight. The more recognisable signs came 2 years later.

Don't answer the phone if she's driving you nuts. Limit to once a day or once a week etc.

But surely there’s no need to answer the phone to her in the first place? I’m quite fond of my MIL, but I could probably count on the fingers of one hand the number of times she’s phoned me in 30 years!

Have a fixed reply, the same every time

'Oh dear mil, yes it was such a shame I paid before realising you had a ticket'

Is it about money in an obsessive way? I know someone pretty well off who will bend herself into a pretzel in order to get something for free. You missed out on free parking and it’s wound her up? (I may have te story wrong about the ticket…)

Yes, if you are not a naturally assertive person (I’m not) then this really helps.

“It is also really important that you say this in a matter of fact, unemotional way. Pretend to be an English speaking Dutch / German / Swedish person.”

This is possibly going to change my life. Absolutely genius. 😂

Has she always been obsessive in quite this sort of way, i.e. making complaints that don't even make sense, like suggesting you should have somehow seen into the future and known she'd be able to validate your parking? Or is it getting more irrational, on top of the obsessiveness?

If so, seconding the people who think this could be the start of dementia. Sometimes early dementia takes the form of things that have always been aspects of the person's personality just kind of getting worse and more unrestrained - like, they always had the rational part of their brain that made them put the brakes on their natural tendencies, at least in some situations - they know when they can get away with something and when they can't, which people it's safe to act a certain way with, who'll put up with it and who won't. But then dementia starts and they lose the ability to rein it in. If she didn't use to direct this stuff at you much and now she is. . . it's a change.

A few people have said that this may be a sign of dementia. This is possible but it is not the only cause. In fairness to the OP, she has said not.

I have known people with bipolar disorder and could well imagine them acting like this.

If it is a psychiatric disorder then it is up to the husband to handle. Realistically, the MIL is not going to think anything is wrong.

BUT the OP has said that the MIL has brought this up weekly since it happened - and now is bringing it up daily. This also sounds like someone who is unsatisfied with the response and just won’t let it go. It may be irrational and unreasonable but it doesn’t necessarily mean that the MIL has a psychiatric disorder.

We are told that the OP has known her MIL for 20 years. There is a good chance that the MIL is still of working age rather than being very elderly.

You say there are no signs of dementia, but this IS a sign of dementia. There always has to be a first sign, doesn't there?

It's bonkers to start banging on about something so inconsequential several months after it happened. The onset of dementia is the only explanation that makes any sense.

This is nuts.
When you say she sends a text to say how rude it was, what's she actually saying? I can't even imagine how that message would read?!

Just ask her to be direct about what it is about this that she can’t move on from? Sounds as if she doesn’t have enough to keep her occupied. When my mil started this sort of nonsense I stepped away and let DH deal with her - he’s less tolerant now they don’t have me as a buffer!

If this is new behaviour then I would be worried. If you don’t see her often you might not see other concerning behaviour

This isn't normal behaviour at all - sounds like their is something going on cognitively for her to be behaving like this.

You'll never be able to get her to believe that you're right and she's wrong. She just won't understand as her brain doesn't work in the same way anymore. Eventually, it'll be like trying to reason with a two year old in an adult's body.

And with dementia, you'll never be able to reason with them or get them to understand your point of view. They simply cannot compute.

The least stressful way if dealing with it by entering their world and agreeing with them.

I agree!

The next time she mentions it, try offering a heartfelt apology. Say you're very, very sorry that you did that. It was very kind of her to offer you the ticket and ride of you not to accept. You promise you won't do it again.

Offering a heartfelt apology stops my relative's fixation in its tracks. That's how to deal with dementia. And this is a big red flag for dementia.

Put her on mute and forward her texts to your husband.
I wouldn't be responding.
If its not dementia and just her annoying way, I would find that extremely irritating.
Stop entertaining her.

How are you rude to have paid for your parking when you parked?

No.sogns of dementia except this massive one!
Fixation on something frivolous is a huge flag. Also, if you don't see her very often I'm not sure how you'd know if there were signs of dementia? It can creep up and go unnoticed if you aren't seeing someone pretty regularly.

My lovely neighbours down the street are very tidy, sweeping-up people, with spotless pavements and a well-mown nature strip. One day I passed them sweeping up and the husband was decidedly querulous and utterly mystified as to why gum nuts from the nature strip tree kept dropping on the pavement.
It wasn't the "ha ha I'll be sweeping up more tomorrow", it was deep irritation and puzzlement as to why. It was not like him at all, and of course it didn't really make sense as they'd lived there for 30+ years, as had the eucalypt.

A few months later he was diagnosed with dementia and in retrospect I could see that this new aspect of him was an early sign.

That's what I'd do. Absolutely nuts!

Agree with others about dementia- my dad’s first sign was fixating on things. I’ll never forget a shopping trip during which the need to buy Camembert was mentioned, genuinely, about 20 times. Including during and after the buying of it.

Same, this is a very possible sign, it's not just being a bit forgetful. Excessive rigidity in thought and slight changes or exaggeration of personality traits are common very early signs. Not sure that helps you deal with the practicalities of her frequently contacting you about this! Has any family local to get noticed anything?