Eating beef in the house

He has no business being aggressive or calling you an arsehole

Or telling you what you can eat

You have no business dismissing his cultural boundaries. Cultural habits and beliefs are held as strong as religion. Plenty of MNers freak out about dogs eating from plates / dog bowls in the dishwasher etc. I was brought up not to put pants and socks on the wash with tea towels and still find it a horrible thing to do whether it is ‘rational’ or not.

This sounds like an overall communication / mutual sensitivity/ mutual respect issue.

So what? People feel differently about things and they are allowed to set their own boundaries with regard to what they are willing to tolerate within their own homes.

I'm white British and would not choose to be in a relationship with someone who wanted to eat meat in my home. That's my prerogative.

If a meat eater decided that they didn't want to be in a relationship with me because it was important to them to be able to eat meat at home, that would be their prerogative, and I would absolutely respect their right to make that choice.

In that scenario, it would be for both of us to consider whether or not there was a compromise we could both live with, and if not, then it would be pretty obvious that we were incompatible and we would go our separate ways.

I don't think the OP's ex had any right to dictate what she should or shouldn't eat, but I don't think he was wrong to have his own boundaries around what he could and couldn't live with. Most of us do tbh.

As things turned out, the OP decided that a compromise wasn't desirable and so she walked away. Her prerogative.

I think this sort of issue needs to be agreed in advance before you live together.

I am vegetarian, have been so all my adult life and when my second husband planned to move into my house I made it clear that it was a no meat household but I had no problem with him eating meat out of the house.

I could not and would not have meat in my fridge, cooked in my oven or eaten from my plates and if he could not accept that then we wouldn’t have lived together.

He was happy to agree and I was happy that if we ate out in a restaurant together he ate meat if he wanted to.

There are various issues which are deal breakers in relationships. This is definitely a big one for me and not something I would be able to compromise on.

It sounds like it is a deal breaker for you that you can eat beef in the house so up to you to weigh up what is more important.

Because he’s trying to shame OP into complying, which makes him a dickhead, he probably knew calling her a racist would be beyond the pale but he’s bumping up against it isn’t he.

Identity politics, bringing misery to all colours of women equally now. People don’t understand when they support people like OP’s boyfriend and ask her to just ignore or comply it’s even worse for ethnic minority women married to ethnic minority men. Providing cover for males who try to bully their girlfriends and wives because they have some sort of mystical cultural values or religious beliefs harms all women. Normally it’s just women in their own communities.

My extremely unreasonable (if she wasn’t happy, no-one else was allowed to be happy) and extremely devout grandmother tolerated other people eating beef in the house. OP’s atheist british born boyfriend is less tolerant than a 90yr old religious actual Indian woman was.

Yes, I know but we aren't talking about actual animal welfare here. We are talking about people's sentiments. Yes, it's not like the holy status of cows actually guarantees them proper care but they just aren't seen as a food source. Just as in the UK not everyone who mistreats pets or dogs would be happy to also eat them.

Accidents do happen but in most cases just as people will try not to hit pedestrians walking on the road they will also just drive around the cows and try not to hit them. Sometimes the cows become temporary round abouts 🙂

It's cultural. I have lived in India and had many Muslim and Christian friends apart from atheists like me and I don't know a single person who ate either beef or pork. Non vegetarians usually eat chicken, seafood or mutton. You wouldn't easily find beef (or pork) in shops or restaurants. Cows are considered holy because they give us milk but there is a lot of stigma attached with eating beef. Irrespective of religion there are very, very few people who eat beef in India. It really is a big deal.

I think there is quite a strong cultural influence on kids with Indian parents being brought up in the UK. I hate to use an analogy to death but imagine being brought up by British parents in a dog eating country. They would probably pass on these values to you. I am ethnically Indian but grew up in a European country and even though I don't have a problem with meat there are some cultural habits that I can't shake. For instance I'd never touch a book on purpose with my foot and if I inadvertently do I do this little apology thing which I was taught as a child.

I said I don't have a problem with meat (and even though I'm vegetarian I cook beef for my family) but I doubt I'd be happy about my family storing dog meat or insects or something I just can't see as food in our house).

When I have conservative visitors from India I don't prepare or even keep beef or pork in the house because I know it would make them uncomfortable. I don't think it's a big deal.

I don't think that is the problem here.

It is the verbal abuse, which you seem to accept as normal. It really isn't.

Op I think I'd be getting rid of him as well as the cutlery.

Hope your ok, but I don't see any future for you together and I wouldn't fancy bringing kids up with him either.

He sounds very controlling and I get the feeling this isn't the only thing he's been controlling about

Wow! Or you could I don't know, not let your partner control your eating habits maybe.....

Also, it's worth noting that many Sikh people choose not to eat beef. No religious prohibition. Just culture.

Yes, I know. I still think it's cultural.

Lots of British atheists celebrate Christmas. That's cultural too.

No it's not culture. It's religious. Other people come from India and eat beef. 20% of India's population isn't Hindu

Yeah thought this would be the kind of shit he would pull, he’s a dickhead. Set yourself free OP.

Neither of you are coming across well here. How much do you like beef? It's not a massive ask for you to give up eating it at home unless you're some kind of die hard red meat eater. But if you insist, then get separate plates and cutlery for it. Equally though, he should not be hurling insults at you.

Whilst it’s true that the cattle aren’t slaughtered, they’re just released to be loose, which causes dangerous problems for others and a miserable life for the cattle. They get hit by traffic and have to scrounge food from rubbish tips. It’s an acknowledged problem.

Is he gujju? I’ve met quite a few hindus that eat beef.
Definitely get out of this relationship as soon as you can.

So he just wants to let you know who is the boss in the home, and this beef non-issue presentd him with an opportunity to abuse you...

I agree with you but in this case the OP has stated he is British born and raised.

He called you an arsehole and demanded you throw away a plate and cutlery because you chose to eat beef? Oh my, he sounds like a keeper doesn’t he?! Not!!! Why on earth would you stay with someone like that? Seriously, get rid!

You are being very insular. In many parts of india slaughtering cows is actually illegal and they are not viewed as just cattle. As I've said above, most people grow up to have a lot of affection and respect for cows, which makes it difficult to view them as food. Pretty much exactly the way in the UK most people don't consider dogs to be primarily food.

Having said that I've read that op has decided to end it and I whatever my opinion on this particular incident is I think you know your relationship best op and if you think this was the final straw it's definitely the the right decision for both of you.

For a lot of Indians who grew up in India irrespective of their religion eating beef is a bit like eating puppies. He might be ok with it outside but not feel comfortable with having dead cow remains in his home. Similarly some people might be ok to have a meal when visiting countries that eat dogs but not want to have puppy meat in their house.

If he has never mentioned this preference and suddenly called you an arsehole out of the blue then he is out of order. But if you knew how uncomfortable it makes him and you still ate it then I would say you probably are an arsehole.

I feel like you need to raise your standards. Why are you living with someone that you’re incompatible with, how did the relationship get so far before you realised that you have different core beliefs and need to break up?

You need to get better at raising your standards and filtering out those men who are unsuitable!

The beef is one thing, the way he spoke to you to resolve the dispute is another. Unless this is a blip in his character I would be very wary of him.