Eating beef in the house

They can eat all the other meats. But just have beef outside the home. That's fair to me. Beef isn't good for the heart anyway.

My husband loves rabbit and suckling pigs - I personally choose not to eat either. That's my choice. I don't have any issue with him eating either in our home or using plates that have been cleaned in the dishwasher that he used to eat a little bunny rabbit on. The boyfriend needs to grow up.
Respecting other people's religions or cultures does not mean you have to adhere to them too. That's a wholly intolerant expectation.

Arbitrary in the same way that you not liking the idea of eating dog is arbitrary?

I disagree.
Forcing your belief whether cultural, religious or personal on someone else is intolerant.

Someone forbidding their "partner" from eating pork or beef or whatever in their own home is intolerant behaviour. Telling them they can eat it outside the home is frankly disrespectful. That's not a compromise. A compromise is they both eat what they like in their own home and neither imposes their irrational beliefs on the other.

Flip it around.
Imagine the beef-eater insisting their non-beef-eating partner eat beef because they do. Not nice.

No, I wouldn’t be happy having someone eat dog in my house unless it were a hotdog or something . . .

In the case of this particular poster, whatever moral/philosophical objections she has to her partner eating meat in the house, she’s overcome/compromised on/made peace with. So, I’m not sure, why she has an objection to pork, when she’s not particularly observant. It seems like from her post, allowing chicken or other meat is a concession whilst allowing pork is total surrender. It just seems like some arbitrary rule to exert control.

I’m also Jewish and my DH is not. From the outset I said that I was not comfortable having pork/bacon/ham in the house which he accepts. I have no problem with him eating it out of the house, and he usually goes to his mum on a Sunday morning for bacon rolls with her.
The thought of bacon in the fridge makes me shudder, and I really hate the smell of it cooking. He hates the smell of fish cooking, so I don’t cook it in the house, but do eat it if we are out.

OP is not white British and your comparison makes no sense.

What is there to “let go”? People are allowed to set whatever boundaries they wish in their own home.

The culture thing is a red herring in this regard. It’s just people trying to understand his aversion to beef in his home.

Who said anything about one culture trumping another?

What I said is that people get to decide on their own boundaries - whether religious, cultural or just personal. Each individual gets to decide what is important to them and what they are willing to tolerate.

Where people have very different boundaries, they have to decide whether there is a compromise that will work for both of them, or whether one person is willing to make changes for the benefit of the other. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. If they can't find a mutually acceptable way forward, then they are incompatible and they should go their separate ways.

I agree that these things aren't a massive issue for most couples - in a situation like this, it is very likely that, either the non-beef eater might agree to tolerate having beef in their home after all, or the beef eater might just agree not to eat it, or else they may reach some sort of compromise involving the frequency of beef eating permitted or separate plates or beef in certain forms only or whatever. But if each partner decides that the issue is not something that they are able to tolerate or compromise on, then that is their prerogative. Neither is wrong to feel what they feel.

What a bonkers thing to say. Everybody is allowed boundaries as to what they will and will not permit in their home and age is irrelevant to that.

Agreed. It all hinges on what (if anything) was discussed and agreed before. And given OP has studiously avoided all posts where posters have asked what was discussed I think I know the answer.

I am still flummoxed as to how this was never discussed in advance of moving in together!

No it's just refusal on both parties to come to a reasonable compromise. Which is what successful relationships are all about.

Clearly neither party feels its worth making the accommodations to save the relationship. So if it doesn't end here it will end on something else pretty rapidly.

But is it trivial. The hypocrisy shown by the male of the partnership.

I'm not religious but follow my religious rules
I can sit next to you when you eat a beef burger in a car but not our house
You're an arsehole

Sorry but if my partner behaved in such a controlling way...

Yep they can both insist that the other gives in.

And the relationship goes absolutely nowhere.

And if such grief is going to be caused by something so trivial now, probably best to end it before a real problem occurs.

No cultures need to 'trump' anything @MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack , but if you are living with someone who is vegetarian, or who doesn't eat certain meats - for whatever reason - then you have to accept it and compromise. It's hardly a massive issue for most people - just a conversation.

Why does she have to compromise to fit his culture, surely he could also compromise to fit hers

Remember he gladly sits next to her in a car when she's big maccing

I think you may well have a point, in general. However, I'm concerned that in the UK we let a lot of things go because "they are cultural". The fact is that I have friends who have worked in Saudi and other Muslim countries and accepted they cannot drink there.

The op is clearly white British and her partner is Hindu...so her culture is to eat beef...afterall the French call the English "la roast beefs". So why should his culture trump hers.

I think his beliefs sound a bit irrational regarding use of tablewear. But beliefs often are.

It seems to me that you had the opportunity to spend about £5 to avoid the confrontation knowing that not doing this would cause issues and chose not too.

I suppose there is a greater questionmark over what other beliefs he has that might become apparent as your relationship develops.

Ultimately you don't sound very compromising, and he sounds like he has some issues that he is not willing to compromise on. So the question needs to be asked, are you best suited to one another.

I’m half Jewish and veggie. Pork is a big no no for me, not on religious grounds because I’m also atheist but I actually cannot abide the scent of it. As a result DH doesn’t cook it and only eats it when we’re out and about. The smell is just so repulsive and permeates through the house. I think the beef thing is more cultural than religious. I don’t think it’s a big deal for someone not to cook beef personally so I’d say YABU.

I am a 'non-practising' Hindu and my husband is white. When I say non-practising I mean I do not pray everyday or go to temple all the time but I follow the religion/culture/religious beliefs, whatever people want to call it.

I do not eat beef or pork. My husband and children eat everything. BUT they do not cook or eat it in the house....it is not about the fact that they eat it outside sat next to me, or that in restaurants they use same plates etc. It is because in the house I know for a fact and i also have my parents who visit and are fully practising Hindus and I have statues in the home. My husband does it out of respect.

When you are with someone of different religion and faith, it is important to respect and compromise. Just eat it outside the home.

His manner towards you sounds horrible, and so I would be reconsidering the relationship for that reason alone.

Re the beef specifically, it’s not totally unreasonable for him to want to avoid using plates that have touched it in his own home, as it’s clearly a deeply ingrained cultural issue for him, and doesn’t harm anyone for him to avoid it.

As many have said, just have different beef plates and wash them separately.

I am veggie as is Dd and we don’t bother about separate meat plates for DS, but it’s something a person could easily do if they wanted.

My ex husband was Jewish. Completely and utterly unobservant, ate everything, no issues at all. However, when I was pregnant with our first child he suddenly found that the idea of a baby eating pork hugely turned his stomach. Couldn’t explain it rationally, just that it felt monumentally ‘wrong’ and asked, when it came to weaning if we could wait until the baby was at least a year old before introducing pork. No skin off my nose so that’s what we did (pork not being one of the healthiest meats anyway it was probably a good thing in that regard but it did mean a few odd looks from other baby group parents!) Sometimes these cultural/childhood ‘hangovers’ can strike something within us that go against all logic and that’s generally ok (if it’s a food for example!) However if my husband had suddenly decided after living with me for years to unilaterally ban pork for all of us or call me an arsehole because I ate it then that would be a much much bigger problem. It’s a relationship, it should be based on respect, communication and agreed compromise not dictation and name calling

The cow is sacred in India and this is something that cuts deeper than religion. It's a way of life for millions of people, regardless of how 'religious' they are. The cow is the 'Gau mata' - the mother of all life. People worship cows and daily acts of feeding them or leaving them water is a form of dharma, even in urban contexts. I'm not Hindu, but spent time in an urban gaushala - which is a cow shelter. Locals come all day to light candles and make offerings etc as puja, but inside the gaushala, they make an eco fertiliser from cow urine; all kinds of foods and face / body products from milk; the dung is burned as cooking fuel; the ash from the dung is used as a detergent; etc etc etc. There is a primary school in the gaushala and the children learn alongside the cows. Nobody notices the smell of the dung, and even if they do it's not regarded as unclean. These kind of practices and reverence for the cow is a way of life for millions which predates religions as we know it, including Christianity. The cow is the life-giver. You don't need to strongly identify as a Hindu to have internalised this. Just like in the West we have internalised other arbitrary ideas about which animals are deemed pets and which are 'cattle.' Cows are highly intelligent beings with strong familial connections. If you actually stop and look into a cows eyes, you see a unique wisdom, as with so many animals. In the West, we only permit their existence as cattle. The beef industry is one of the greatest evils in the world. Cows are just a product. Maybe try talking to your partner, you may gain some different and invaluable perspectives and maybe challenge some things you just take for granted, just 'because.'

Because he doesn't have consistent strong feelings about it ,and he's not religious anyway.