MIL planning her own party and didn’t invite me!

I don't know why people get so worked up and angry about other people like this.

The MIL is perfectly free to invite anyone she likes to her home/event for any occasion.
Invitees are perfectly free to say no thank you that doesn't work for me, I have other plans.

Why the fuss?

So she expects you to stay alone with your three kids, having lost your own mum (so sorry to hear), so she can have all her kids around her on mother's day? Fuck that.

She sounds like my MIL who still reckons she is the matriarch of the family (with 5 kids). I'm the only DIL and god, it's been a shock to her that I don't fall in with every single plan she has.

In my family, we try to include all the mothers on mother's day where possible. But if there is a choice to be made, I do think the mums of young children should be prioritised, being in the trenches of motherhood and all that.

Nope.

Everyone in a family is important. While the nuclear family is the focus day to day, they're are times when other family members, especially parents, take priority.
Sometimes their needs are more important. Sometimes it's just nice to put them first or do something slightly inconvenient because you know it will bring them joy.

It's depressing to see so many women on this thread having an attitude that their presence in their husband's life makes his mother entirely dispensible.
There's a lot of talk on Mumsnet of MILs not wanting to share their son. This thread has brought out all the wives who aren't prepared to share their husbands with the person who gave birth to him, on actual Mothers Day.

You are reading too much in my post.

But only one of them has a relationship with the man as his mother. It's Mother's Day for people to celebrate their own mothers.

There doesn't need to be any conflict at all if everyone just chilled out about it and stopped expecting it to be a big faff of a day. I'm always bemused by the threads where there are all these scheduling conflicts between who is seeing who on the day and what presents are being bought.

There doesn't need to be any conflict here either. OP can have a morning getting her cards and have a nice breakfast or something if she's bothered about it and MIL can have her little tea party she wants later.

No hierarchy to who? Obviously they are both mothers and in that they are equals. But in terms of their relationship to this man (one being his wife and one being his mother) they are not equals: one is the primary relationship in his life.

We have children and we put everything into them. We love them more than anything and we prioritise them. But we cannot expect that in return from them, especially once they have spouses and children of their own.

You’ve misunderstood me.

I'm shocked that some mums are being told they’re secondary.

they are both mums. There should be no hierarchy.

Absolutely.

It’s nonsensical to say that OP’s feelings and MIL’s feelings are truly equal. If they were, her DH would be at an absolute stalemate every time his wife and his mother had conflicting feelings about something. A man will not have a happy marriage if he prioritises his mother over his wife.

Nope. That’s YOUR opinion. This isn’t a rule or policy. Thai is just what you think and what you like.

all mothers are equal an every family will have different traditions. Some celebrate some don’t.

one year I took one child and met up with my mum; H took the other child and met up with his mum.

sometimes we do stuff just us. Sometimes we see one of our mums all together.

sometimes to be honest I just treat as another day!

I know some people who have a day “off” and go to spa while the dad takes the kids.

some mums use the time to spend with kids. Some use it as a time for a break.

some have bad relationships and it’s a non event or can be traumatic or cause upset.

so please don’t spout rubbish about contemporary Mother’s Day. Just because people have different ways to spend a day doesn’t mean they’re selfish or goady.

this poor MIL just wants to see her kids without the rest of them for a couple of hours. She’s planed in advance so that everyone can be aware. I doubt she’s forcing everyone and the son’s response is fine. So it’s a non issue and OP is being quite dramatic.

Wow!! Secondary?!

this place makes me so sad sometimes.

You could have an afternoon tea party.

Who made those rules?

Yes. That's exactly what people are saying 🥴.

C'mon. Your summary is a bit of a stretch from what the OP and posts say. Noone is claiming he's anyone's. He is an adult with agency. Noone is saying MIL shouldn't see her children on Mother's Day or that time alone isn't okay.

Plenty saying her execution is off and MIL could do to be mindful that there are others in the picture. Especially as OPs own Mum passed away recently.

I'd be happy for DH to spend Mother's Day with his DM, because she is his mum, not me! We have DCs, but it really is just a normal day to me.

How weird that you don’t get that. Are your kids young at the moment? Of course it’s nice sometimes to spend time with just your kids that you (in most cases) birthed and raised and have a special relationship with. It doesn’t undermine your relationship with any in-laws, but just spending time with them is incredibly special, moreso because it doesn’t happen very often.

To me, that’s the crux of this (I have kids at home and older kids / grandkids). When your kids are adults it’s not about presents etc it’s about making time, when they’re younger it’s a day to say thanks and maybe have a bit of a break. OP’s kids are of an age where they don’t need much help. DH needs to prime them, and they need to crack on. He can go to mums thing and still be home on time to help the kids put dinner in the oven.

Too much competition here.

So women hate men spend all their time complaing about how hard done by they are and how badly being treated by them and how men do nothing but soon as his mother wants to see her children without their partners 'he's mine I want him he is not yours i own him now'

Not when that gets in the way of their family celebrating the partner's role as a mother.

She is allowed to want a few hours with just her dc.

His mother hasn’t asked for him to be there all day.

Entitled of her to want to see her son on Mother’s Day?

She is his mother, not OP!

I always have time with my adult DC. Their partners go off with their mums, usually for an afternoon tea. I never ask. They organise it.
I think it all depends on your situation. DH lost his DM last year. He spent the afternoon of MD with his DM. Surely (HRTFT) you partners are missing time with your own DMs if you are with your partners.

I think the problem for me would be two things:
Firstly the exclusion of wives/partners and gc from the invitation.
Secondly, going ahead and arranging it without prior consultation as to whether her dc would be free and want to leave their own families.
I see my daughter (shopping, lunch etc) on her own as well as with my son in law and granddaughter - but it’s always with prior consultation! Surely that’s the difference here and what makes MIL’s actions selfish and unreasonable in my view. Glad to hear your DH has made a stand - sounds like he has her measure!

I don't think MIL was unreasonable to want to spend time with all her adult children on Mothers Day, but I think she was unreasonable to arrange something without actually finding out if it was convenient - or at least saying "I would like to do this" beforehand.

The sentiment is fine, the execution would annoy me.

The normal and reasonable thing to do, in a friendly and happy family, would be to acknowledge/accept/appreciate that your son’s partner is also a mother - the mother to your own grandchildren - and include them in any Mother’s Day plans if you’re making them. Because you like each other and enjoy spending time with and celebrating each other. DIL can appreciate what a great job MIL did raising the man she married. MIL can appreciate what a great DIL she has and the lovely mother she’s become. What’s so hard about that??

But it can't be a competition about who the adult child has to honour by spending time together on the day.