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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell BIL to F off with his judgemental comments?

58 replies

silkyfilament · 26/02/2026 00:05

I have three children from a previous marriage of 13 years. Unfortunately that ended when he buggered off with another woman. I say unfortunately, and I suppose it was for the kids. He did me a massive favour that day though and my life has been infinitely better since.

Today I have five kids. I’m mid to late 40s now and in a solid relationship with the father of my youngest two.

The problem is his brother, who makes constant jibes about me having too many kids, like i’m damaged goods. Over the years I’ve tried to laugh it off or say something self deprecating, but he’s now started a new relationship of two months with a woman with four kids, meaning they now share 5! They are discussing crossing continents to be together (it’s giving grifter vibes to me but that’s another story) so my question is how do I now address the belittling I faced previously and the horrid comments that made me feel less than?
Would IBU to snap back now, or should I just let silence speak for me?

OP posts:
Flippingnora100 · 26/02/2026 22:13

What about, "Can I be really honest with you? It has always kind of hurt my feelings when you've made negative jokes about me having five children. Now that you'll have five children between you and your partner, I'm hoping you'll see that from my point of view, those jokes don't feel great. I'd love you to stop making them. Thanks!"

YourSassyPanda · 26/02/2026 19:41

You’d be a better person than me to not mention it. I’d constantly be making reference to “how many kids?” and “all the kids” every chance I got. It’s too funny not to. He has become what he mocked.

Shinyandnew1 · 26/02/2026 18:23

He’s been really judgemental about you, but it sounds like you’re pretty judgmental of her, if it’s her you’re getting ‘grifter vibes’ from.

I’d say nothing, I think.

Overtheatlantic · 26/02/2026 18:22

“And would your girlfriend be bringing all of her children with her?” Slightly emphasise “all”

TheDaysAreGettingLongerAtLast · 26/02/2026 18:16

I'd tell him it's giving you grifter vibes - he might listen and your relationship could improve if your vibes are correct.

Toomanysofttoys · 26/02/2026 18:09

Wait it out... relationship may not even come to anything but I'd be so tempted when around him to count the kids plus him and say 6 kids! One more than me.

ScribblingPixie · 26/02/2026 17:31

Say nothing. The opportunity will come, as they talk about their lovely big family, when you'll be able to hold his gaze and silently let him know exactly what you're thinking.

WellHardly · 26/02/2026 08:59

WellHardly · 26/02/2026 08:27

I’m assuming you handed him his ass e dry time he made an unpleasant jibe?

EVERY time.

WellHardly · 26/02/2026 08:27

I’m assuming you handed him his ass e dry time he made an unpleasant jibe?

DeanStockwell · 26/02/2026 08:08

FancyNewt · 26/02/2026 01:20

😀obviously I didn't mean dog. I meant dig.

I think a carefully worded dog would be much more impressive.
🐕😄

@silkyfilament
Or perhaps a link to whatever reality TV show about large families is doing the rounds at the minute.

somewhatsomething · 26/02/2026 07:54

I think I’d just say, “how many kids do you have now bil?” Then when he answers say “of course same as us”

on the plus side he will stop making the comments but really your dh should have told him to stop it In the first place.

Springspring8 · 26/02/2026 07:44

Take the high road for now.

Can (or hopefully has) your partner address it, in terms of how inappropriate and unpleasant the comments were.

If he continues to be a dick in other ways I would call him out and also say After years of unpleasant comments about my children being too many I don’t want to spend time with you.

Lemondrizzle4A · 26/02/2026 07:20

user1492757084 · 26/02/2026 00:48

Don't be mean. It is not a good reflection of yourself.
Just make a jokey comment in the engagement card:

Dear BIL and XX,

Congratulations on your engagement. Best wishes from us all for a great life in XXX.

And welcome to the "Too Many Kids Club"

Love X, X and C1, C2, C3, C4, & C5.
XXXXXXX

Gift of something sweet and useful that packs well.

Then resolve to never speak badly of their large family.

Brilliant retort. Love it.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 26/02/2026 07:16

As you are now in a solid relationship, I'm assuming your partner pulls BIL up each time he's unkind to you, as your partner knows how much the comments irk you

bipole · 26/02/2026 06:53

Where's your husband in all this? He should at the least be getting involved as it's his brother. STFU. Not OK. That sort of thing.

Yestocoffeeatnight86 · 26/02/2026 06:13

If you were unpleasant about the 4 kids your dig would be at her and her kids, not him. It feels misdirected really.

Wallywobbles · 26/02/2026 05:47

Take it as a compliment. You must be doing a pretty good job with your kids for him to be contemplating it.

notallthosewhotravelarelost · 26/02/2026 05:43

silkyfilament · 26/02/2026 00:32

That would be magic, but I think the plan is that she and her children come here to live in the UK.

He'll need to meet the income requirements if you are in the UK. I believe this is currently 29k GBP.

Will the children's father give permission?

JustMyView13 · 26/02/2026 05:38

Silence and a death stare is a very good option. Leave his words to hang amongst the irony of his situation.

Jlom · 26/02/2026 05:21

I would not be able to rise above it as I would find it irresistible to tease him a bit about it. After all, he deserves it.

nomas · 26/02/2026 01:39

Ugh, hate the rise above it shit.

I would have to tell him that you eventually become what you mock.

And be sure not to get guilt tripped into hosting him and his family a lot to help them settle in. Just meet them out and about, and they pay for themselves.

sesquipedalian · 26/02/2026 01:32

OP, rise above it. The reality of a new woman with four kids who has to cross continents to be with him, and when the relationship is only two months old, has disaster written all over it.

Dinos897 · 26/02/2026 01:26

He's taking on 4 kids who have to move countries to live with him. The jokes on him really. Just revel in it and watch the shit show happen.

FancyNewt · 26/02/2026 01:20

😀obviously I didn't mean dog. I meant dig.