Annoyed by lack of children’s birthday gift

I had two friends who didn't bring wedding presents, and surprisingly I didn't cut them off.

I would love to tell parents not to bring gifts all all, as my kids already have enough stuff, but my younger kids look forward to gifts. I would be quietly thankful if someone didn't bring one.

It’s not grabby at all, it’s about thought and effort. My Dd has received a few home made/craft type presents and loved them as her friends had taken the time to make her something. She’s now 12 and still has some of the home made presents in her room from when she was 5/6

Yes buying gifts is normal we buy gifts but no we dont wonder why people dont buy us gifts or have some points system of not inviting someone or not on whether they have bought us a gift the previous year or anything like it

My son's best friend has never bought a gift to parties. I don't think the parents are particularly broke (or particularly tight actually) but I just don't think they believe in gift giving...I suspect they think it's just increasing the amount of tat. My son has never really noticed or commented (if he did I'd slip him a fiver and say it was from friend) so it doesn't bother me - each to their own - it does mean I'm off the hook when getting gifts for their son. I do still get a gift because I want to (and my son wants to, more importantly) but I let me son choose sweets or whatever and don't worry about it.

I agree with this

Some children at my kids school live in temporary accomodation with no lounge at all, or live with family in shared and overcrowded accomodation and there cannot invite people. A council house is a luxury that lots of people don't have now.

A hall and providing catering yourself might be cheaper than taking a bunch to soft play too. The soft plays are absolutely extortionate around here.

I agree entirely, people who are bad mannered enough to not even bring a card trying to justify that by turning it round as being ‘grabby’, laughable!

I do hope all these people who don’t bring gifts/who can’t be bothered/who are anti-consumerism aren’t hypocritical enough to then expect a party bag? I definitely would not give them one.

It’s not grabby! It’s what usually happens at parties to small kids. The attendees usually bring a gift and go home with a party bag. Good old British culture!!

some may not partake but I don’t think it’s “grabby” for a child to wonder where a gift is. 🙄

We had this years ago from a really good friend. We always got a nice gift. Not expensive but something we knew they’d like (I often asked for ideas so it wasn’t that). When we invited friend the first year they didn’t have any gift at all. Next year - oh forgot and wil be b to school - nope. Third year - same again and said money in card. No card given.

I wouldn’t mind except we had given to them, good friends and they were loaded. They’d turn up with others giving gifts and look a bit sheepish but that was it.

my child was quite hurt and couldn’t understand it and thought they didn’t want to be friends anymore. As they got older they just got used it. But it’s a funny one for a group of friends all from the same culture etc. They loved the gifts we got!! And I couldn’t bring myself not to get them one.

It IS consumerism.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to equate not giving a gift with “struggling financially“. It’s always possible to give a card and a small present and, quite honestly, many of us enjoy small knickknacks and small presents just as much as larger, expensive ones.

My suggestion is that you use this as an opportunity to discuss with your daughter what giftgiving means and why people do it. The subject is fascinating and you could have some interesting discussions about this. There are many threads on MN about gifts or the lack of them or the cost of them or why somebody does or doesn’t like what they’ve been given. Loads of thoughts on here. It’s a rich source for thinking about what’s really going on when someone gives a gift to someone else, and whether that creates an obligation in return and why that matters. Because it does matter.

Historians, for example, investigate who gave what in Tudor and Elizabethan times: some people kept detailed records, and it’s possible to trace the hierarchy of gifts and obligations that was maintained. In the same way, people get very exercised, for example, about the exchanges of gifts between our Prime Ministers and QE2 and the various Presidents of the US.

At my DC last birthday party a child turned up with a gift and then decided they wanted it themselves and took it home with them! I was gobsmacked. The mum is a bit of an odd one.

We often find there’s a few kids that don’t bring a gift. I assume they’re short of cash or simply forgot and I’d hate for a child not to come at all simply because they didn’t have a gift. I don’t mind at all, although I prefer to make sure DS turns up with a gift.

It's a bit unusual but not really worth stressing about.

And I just wanted to say, don't ever feel obliged to put yourself into any financial hardship organising parties etc. it's simply not worth it. Children can have a great birthday without too much expense - it's just important that they are surrounded by loving family and friends showing they care for them, really - but there can be a lot of pressure to throw a party that "matches up" to other ones you might have been invited to.

And honestly, it's not necessary.

I just dont get it we buy presents for people but my child nor I have any idea who bought them what or didn't

Why are people so grabby these days? Don't people have enough on of they spend time worrying about possessions

I have a friend who is so stingy, I wouldn't be surprised if she arrived empty handed.

I think it's just the way our friendship works now, and I think you just need to accept how they are.

I think you should continue to invite their kid, and know that they arrive empty handed. When they have a party, just arrive with a card.

They are a close friend to your child, so I think you just need to decide on whether to be upset with the parent's stingyness

Depending on how the gifts were given you could always text the mum asking if they had given your daughter x as there wasn’t a card / label etc. I would only suggest that if you definitively know they’re not struggling financially

Best not to have parties then.

It wouldn't be good enough though, some people would still complain about lack of present.
Did the children have a good time, really that's all that matters.
The post comes across as grabby. I'm sure the birthday girl didn't go without.

Although the party cost is irrelevant, one year I booked soft play for my son's birthday. But after booking decided to make it a joint party with a friend's son, so got half the money back.

My son almost got enough money in £5 and £10 notes to cover the party costs. Obviously I didn't take his money away from him though!!!

YANBU
How incredibly rude. We’ve received a few cheap token gifts over the years - the cheapest being a big bag of haribo but never not had anyone not turn up with a gift at all. Especially a close friend. It’s quite a hostile move from the other mother - and I say this as someone who is in poverty and not obvious to it at all.

Your child has had a lovely birthday , a party, fun, a cake, friends, no doubt presents from you and others.

Why are you focussed on one parent with poor social skills, your daughter doesn’t care and by moaning either on Mumsnet or elsewhere you aren’t going to change the other parents thinking. Let it go.

Always do what you think is right,
let others do the same. and waste no time thinking about it.

When I was a child, I was made to decline birthday invitations because my parents couldn't afford a present. I never got a birthday present myself, never mind them buying for someone else's child.

I used to feel punished for their financial situation and would miss out on the fun. I could only ever dream of a party bag and one year, my friend brought one in to school for me on the Monday. I can't tell you how much I felt that kindness and inclusion.

With that in mind - I voted YABU. Purely because I know how cruel it is to exclude the child based on a financial situation, and for the fact that throwing a party shouldn't be about receiving gifts, but for celebrating together with friends.