Annoyed by lack of children’s birthday gift

Congratulations on being an amazing parent

Unless you're living in biblical times, there is no child that doesn't expect a gift in their birthday

Come on

We do not give in order to receive! You are giving your child a poor example to follow. Why spend all that money in the first place?

Meant to say not everyone came with something and DD couldn't care less because I have raised her to know that presents aren't everything.
Time is a far bigger gift.

I threw my DD (8) a party recently.
14 in attendance and I spent:

Entertainment (2 hours and amazing with a character experience although I didn't get charged full price for the character) and sweet cones £275

Decorations £15ish? All K-Pop Demon Hunters

Hall hire £75 for three hours

Food was about £130-£140.
I didn't do loads as it never all gets eaten.

Quite pleased with the cost and the party was a great success 💪🏼 🙌🏼

maybe one of the birthday activities should be card making for the birthday girl ? perhaps that should be A Thing?!

“your child is invited to xxx’s birthday party on x date at xvenue. We have crafting materials here and will be making our own birthday cards for the birthday girl on the day, so no need to buy a card prior, entirely up to you. Im sure the birthday girl would very much appreciate presents or sweets, but again it’s entirely up to you. look forward to seeing you there”

Pretty big budget if you can spend hundreds on a party

I remember turning up to my best mates 10th birthday party with just a card. He lived in the nicer part of town and he was from a 2 parent middle class family, I was from a single parent low income family and lived in the council house side of the neighbourhood.

I’ll never forgot how him, his older sibling and parents reacted to the birthday card (no present).

They were like “wow that’s such a lovely card!!” and smiled the same way they did to others who brought presents.

I was touched even then because I could see they were going out of their way to show appreciation as they realised me/my mum didn’t have much to give.

I felt really comfortable after that. His family were always very kind to me and I wonder how they’re doing sometimes. They moved away to another part of town about a couple of years after that and I lost contact since we were also in different schools. Kindness is not over-rated!

That said it was the 90s and I feel - at least in my predominantly working class town - there was less of thing about presents then. I remember there was even one uninvited guest from our class, a girl who randomly dropped by the party completely empty handed and I doubt anyone thought anything of it. Things are a lot more proper nowadays with children being dropped off by parents etc

But no I wouldn’t say YABU as such as long as you don’t make the child feel awkward, and I would also think YANBU if you don’t give a gift if your child goes to her party. But other than that I wouldn’t give it much thought.

I don’t think it’s the gift per say it’s more of a lack of acknowledgment from the mum, she could have had her daughter create a birthday card from paper, or a thank you note, I don’t think there’s an excuse

Oh I completely understand the OPs point, dont get me wrong. I guess my point is that regardless of whether the mum is skint or just a really tight and rude cow, dont ever exclude the child or think to uninvite in the future over the lack of a present etc...

Cast your mind back to being an actual child…how would you have felt if your little friends never gave you a birthday present? Disappointed and upset, obviously. Children also love writing cards, picking and handing a present to their friends. They are children and allowed to be excited 1 day a year on their birthday! What is wrong with people?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

You see, I wouldn’t. I’m teaching my children not to be people pleasers or doormats, and to interact with people who treat them equally. My children have already started to notice and question why we keep hosting but some don’t invite back. I have stopped inviting people to play dates or parties who do not reciprocate. It’s not about money, but effort. They absolutely could arrange something at home or at the park, one family did a lovely party in a flat- some simply cannot be bothered. I don’t want my children to grow up thinking they have to give and give and make effort with those who are entitled enough to keep on taking.

I would assume they couldn’t afford to bring a gift (even if they outwardly appear solvent) and would say nothing about it to anyone.

I would continue to take presents to their parties. I would teach your child that it is greater to give than receive and that friendship is its own gift.

My children are past the party stage now but there was an unspoken £5 limit rule on gifts for class parties

next party have it at home or in your local community centre with pass the parcel and moving statues as games

You've spent hundreds on a party. I'm sure DC has loads of toys and doesn't need anything. I agree that it would be polite to bring a gift, even if it's just a token, but I wouldn't make a big thing out of it. Maybe there are valid reasons why she didn't bring one, and I wish we all stopped buying so much stuff.

I agree with all of that.

That’s very sad @Fatandknowit

But I do have to point out that the OP is not being in the slightest bit cruel. She’s talking about events that have already happened and the child in question was not excluded. The party happened last year and has already happened this year. The question is: would it have been appropriate to bring a small gift.

And I doubt the child’s family is so poor that they can’t afford a homemade card and a bag of chocolate buttons.

My son has a friend like this. Dad made such a big deal first year about bringing it round later, would we be in, he will definitely come. He didn't. Second year I took the conversation with a pinch of salt. He didn't come. I don't know them enough to know the reason. But my son likes the kid - still hangs with him even though they are now too old for mum arranged parties. It's not the kids fault so don't penalise them. Just move on. We give our kids parties for their benefit. Not for the presents.

Or be rude about the party in general!! So many are. So many people are so critical of other people but don’t think about the impact of their own behaviour - especially on kids

Context matters though.

No excuse for no card or token gift.
Teach your child to live and let live not keep score.

*Hate the word etiquette

You never got a birthday present 😢

I did this once. I was so broke, and didn’t drive. The coins in my pocket would do the bus to the party or a small gift. I chose the bus.

I lied and said I’d forgotten it.

couple of years later, we’d got to know each other and I finally admitted the truth over a glass of wine and she laughed. Apparently had I been honest they would have come and collected my daughter so I could hold on to my money. Never forgotten her kindness. Also learned to just be honest if things are tough.

It's not, but on occasion some parents don't bring a present for whatever reason - but kids go to so many parties now and all the other kids would bring gifts to theirs, so it's really not a big deal if the odd kids doesn't have a gift.

No card and no present is rude behaviour.

But, then, I'm late 60's. Perhaps this is the new normal.