Do you regret your divorce?

Please don't get back together for your DD. It will not benefit her to have a surface level "normal" family, which actually is massively dysfunctional. I spent a good part of my childhood with my DM wanting to divorce, to the point that I also eventually wished they'd just get on with it.

Having a miserable mum who doesn't prioritise her needs is not a good role model for your DD. In my case it actually drove me and my mum apart, I only really understood the burden she was carrying post divorce because dad would avoid the truth.

Also, divorce did eventually happen, but way later in life than it should have. And I kind of became responsible for my parents. At least exDH has his parents for support currently. He sounds a lot like my DF, who was alone by the time they did divorce and basically fell off the rails.

I have never regretted it for a single second.

I vividly remember how comfortable I felt in my own space once he wasn’t in it any more, the load that had been lifted.

My ex isn’t a bad person either. He is however a very emotionally damaged man who takes absolutely no responsibility for that and does absolutely nothing to change it. I mothered that man for over a decade, and have vowed never to put myself in that position again. Partner, not parent.

He is by nature, narcissistic. If you told him he’s not the centre of the universe, he would fall over with shock. He’s been raised to think he’s the apple of everyone’s eye.

We’ve both moved on, me with my fiancé and son, and him with his partner and her 2 kids. Good luck to them, I wouldn’t change how it worked out and I’m confident he wouldn’t either.

Well, he and DD1 went through a really rocky patch and he’s not learned anything at all from the divorce. She’s autistic and I strongly suspect so is he. They just butt heads. DD2…she’s an independent miss and very much her own person.

He was SHOCKED that he actually had to parent them on his weekends. That transition was hell.

They were 7 when we split, 9 by the time the divorce came through.

He’s actively involved in their lives, he’s just taken them away for a couple of nights in half term. He can cope much better with them now they’re teenagers, and now they have phones they can communicate with me independently.

It was totally the right decision, we were all miserable as sin, including DD1. I’m as tight as can be with the DC, even he has faded to an annoyance I have to tolerate for the next few years.

if you’re questioning whether it’s the right time to do it - I posted on here at the time asking how you knew your marriage was over and you should start to face the reality of divorcing. Someone replied to say if you were asking strangers on an internet forum, then it probably was. And they were right.

Gosh, no!

Sorry OP but I wouldn't get back with a man who is like this. You've done a very difficult thing by talking to him and separating, don't go back on it now.
I know people who've regretted divorcing, but they left because they were bored with the relationship and not much in love any more. They discovered after leaving that they still felt bored and disenchanted, but also lonely. They missed being part of the wider family and felt they had less access to their children too. And they realised that they were fonder of their spouse than they appreciated at the time.
This doesn't sound quite like your situation.

Not read the thread.

fuck no.

i got loads of money because we were rich but he’d never let me have any control over anything except what I earnt myself (and I’m severely disabled) and he’d refused to fund speech therapy and various stuff our kids needed.

now my disabled child has access to the stuff she needs - physio, private appointments to sort out her autoimmune disease etc.

he’s married again and my son said he’d contemplated putting an anonymous note through her door warning her of what a shit he is but decided it wasn’t worth the hassle.

me and my dd left after he got drunk and hurt her and I called the police. If his new wife had bothered to do a police check on him she’d never have married him.

Not at all

Definitely not.... I just feel sorry for his new wife. Best thing I ever did getting a divorce

No. I regret that my kids got hurt. I regret that I took his stupid last name in the first place

Him not seeing any wrong in his parents behaviour would be enough for me to start divorce proceedings!

Never for a single second.

i got to the point of exhaustion with my ex also possible adhd. Money, jobs, cars it was a constant cycle of impossible. He still does it now but his gf manages him more than I wanted to. He isn’t my child we had them too. There can be a lonely side when newly single but it has all worked out for me. Life has never felt so calm and my dp is the opposite of my ex in every way thankfully. I do feel sadness it couldn’t work but I know it wasn’t meant to.

I was not married but had 2 children with my ex partner. He had/has so many of the same issues you are describing. Money/jobs/controling parents & no spine to stand up to them. We have been separated 12 years or more. We split and I have never looked back. Yes I felt guilty for my children, but their lives are much better seeing their dad once a week than when he lived with them. Ex still lives with his parents and is still a shambles of a man with the exact same issues as when we split. I moved on, live a very comfortable, happy life with my now husband and children. My husband is a fantastic father to all of the children, both the ones I had with my ex and our joint. Sometimes you absolutely need to walk away and not look back!!

Yes he did a little bit & he had a large extended family putting pressure on me too but I stood my ground and I'm glad I did.

There were so many things and little by little I just began to realise that he just wasn't in my corner & he didn't value me really. He was self centred, controlling, tight with money and he drank too much.The final straw for me was one NYE when the kids were little & he left me to look after them alone when I was really ill, so he could go out on the piss. The penny dropped he just didn't care about me, I needed looking after and so did the kids but oh no, it was NYE and he needed a boozy pub crawl more.

I can relate to this, I was always labelled the problem because I couldn't take criticism or even a conversation that was even slightly negative. It would always end up with me absolutely going over the top because I couldn't regulate myself.
The smallest thing would end up with me being upset or angry, it was a really tough time.
I do think family could be making his problems worse. For example, when I decided to take a step back from my mum, my outbursts were definitely less severe, so there was definitely triggers for me.

Absolutely not. I regret the marriage.

No, not cheating. Reckless spending, basically anything to give me a temporary high, that almost always followed a huge crash.
I felt unheard and not seen, which wasnt fair, I think he tried his best.
It was me that ended the relationship on one of my many crash outs, and when I finally came out of it, he just couldn't come back from it.

Its a guilt I live with, but he seems happy now, even if its not the case for me.

If anything, im glad it happened, as it made me see the GP and start the referral process and the difference between then and now is huge.

My exH, who I am very, very glad I left (and wish I'd never married) would have done anything to keep our marriage together. He wasn't capable of a lot of things that needed changing, but he was desperate for me to stay.

I'm still glad I left but if I had had any qualms about leaving, that level of devotion might have swayed me. @user2466, it doesn't sound to me as if he if prepared to put the work in. What has he actually done, other than say he wants to try again, to ACTUALLY try? It sounds to me like he's done nothing. Actions speak louder than words.

Yes. Its been 5 years.. unbeknownst to me, I had undiagnosed Autism and Adhd, and I simply couldn't cope. At the time, I thought it was all his fault, when really I struggled with conflict, my emotions, making huge issues which could have easily been resolved. I also spent alot of time dopermine seeking, which caused me to act out. Now, im diagnosed, I look back on the destruction I caused.

Hell no. And I've never spoken to anyone who did. Your reasons sound entirely valid to me. Focus on how you've felt the past 6 months. You didn't split up for no reason. It doesn't sound as though he's changed at all.