To struggle forgiving a friend who wasn’t there when I really needed them?

Cut them off. I myself have been through some of my so called friends hardest times in their lives and I showed 100%, I was there to do their food shop, paid for it aswell, paid their rent, paid their bills, looked after their kkds for weeks on end, toom them to their appointments, paid for lunches and coffee out, took and paid for their kids to come to the movies or amusements parks. when i lost my son at 16 weeks gestation, I heard from no one, absolutely no one. No one turned up to help me with anything, no one messaged me to ask how I was, did I need anything or if I was even still alive really. I even had one friend tell me I didn't know what grieving is and il get over it. So far I lost my bio dad, my sister and my son, so im pretty sure i know what grief is. I cut them all off, all of them, I told them all what I thought if them and then blocked them. I have since made a couple of new friends who seem to have my back but iv decided not to give all of me and set stronger boundaries.

I think sometimes people just don't have the capacity to empathise enough at the time and it's only as life events happen to them personally that they realise what others have gone through and they then actually grow as a person who can be there for others. I don't know if I've explained what I mean well enough here, but I've seen some friends definitely be more supportive themselves once life events like bereavement for example have happened. Then again, others just never manage it...

If you've been that badly let down, in my view it's irreparable. When my mother died when I was 39, my very best friend from childhood basically never spoke to me again. I did try, but she'd reluctantly send one reply and that was it. For the 18 months between my mother dying and me confronting her about her behaviour, I never heard from her, not once. And we had known each other since we were three and been like sisters since we were ten and the teacher sat us next to each other. While I agree that others aren't our support humans, this friend never gave me one kind word or shred of support. In fact, when we did have contact, instigated by me, she was pretty hostile. It was like she hated me because my mother died. And she had been fine up to the point when my mum actually passed. It was the weirdest thing ever. Writing that out makes me wonder if she had actually come to dislike me and did this on purpose - i.e. taking away her friendship at the very moment I needed it most.

Anyway, I did eventually talk to her about it, by email as we lived some way apart by that time. I said what was in my heart, about how much she'd meant to me over the years and how amazed and hurt I was that I had never heard from her after Mum went. I predicted I would get the famous non-apology apology "I'm sorry you feel that way" and that's exactly what she said. Bear in mind that this isn't about some argument - this is about my mum dying!

After she said "I'm sorry you feel that way" I really lost my temper. That was 11 years ago and I have no regrets. Nobody needs someone who can't be there for you at all when the chips are down.

Only you know how badly you've been let down, and if there are any mitigating factors. Mine was especially brutal, calculated you might say, with no mitigating factors at all, but YMMV.

Good luck in sorting it all out in your mind.

Exactly. It doesn't have to be much. Just one text to show they care. That can't be too much for anyone who isn't in a coma.

I think that is a really good description about the relationship permanently shifting. I have had a similar situation and as a result I just don't see my "friend" of over 30 years in the same way. And honestly - all I "needed" from them at the time was one text asking if I was ok. That's it. Something to show that they cared about me. Got nothing. We have met up briefly since, there's not going to be a big falling out, just me coming to terms with the fact that my 'friend' cared far less about me than I did them.

I know what you mean with that last bit. I feel the same way. But anyone who really knows me as a friend will be aware of the loss I choose not to share with most people. It's such a big thing that it can't be avoided forever.

If I keep a friend as a more distant one that is just for certain activities, then that's fine. But anyone who was around at the time knew my husband had died, and I don't think ignoring that is forgivable.

DH was in hospital for over a month with a life-threatening condition. I thought my sister would check in each day, but she was too busy having two hour 'phone calls with a friend having relationship problems. I've tried to move on from that but it still hurts that she couldn't be arsed except for a daily text.

More or less, yes. Though I have had some of them for 40 years, so there must be something in it. It's not that we don't talk about difficult stuff or support one another at all at least remotely but we all have families around us as a first support. We primarily just have a good time when we meet and it's the same as it ever was. And sometimes when you have something going on, it's nice to be with people who don't know that particular thing, so you can be normal with them.

Depends on the reason why they weren’t there, and whether they knew how much of a hard time you were having.

Friends are important. It’s not wise to dispose of them. It really depends on how badly they let you down.

I sat with a friend once who complained no one had been there for her in her darkest hour when she had really needed help as she went through IVF and related injections and felt in the lowest mood she’d ever been. Her commentary was clearly directed at me, as one of the people who hadn’t been there for her and how she couldn’t rely on anyone. The thing is, at that time I was going through quite a lot of my own shit so would’ve had limited bandwidth. That aside, I was completely oblivious to the fact she needed help. I knew vaguely she was going through IVF but she didn’t say anything or express anything about needing help with lifts or needing a shoulder to cry on or wanting to talk about it as she was finding it so so physically and emotionally difficult. I would’ve dropped some other things and leapt to help had I known she needed support of any kind.

So I guess what I’m saying is is it as obvious as you think that your friend knew you needed help and therefore her choice was an active one to let you down

Yes but it depends on how it is looked, to someone needing someome to talk at endlessly about the same thing it may not be possible for anyone to fulfill that

So 'being there' can mean different things to different people

One person can be incredibly needy another only thinks of themselves

so who is to say who is right or wrong?

Isn’t there? Humans & animals are usually programmed to be decent.

I think what is clear from this thread is that not everyone seems to view close friendships in the same light. I find it curious that they’re talking about close friendships as being those where you don’t share anything important at all or give each any emotional support. I wouldn’t call those relationships friendships at all, let alone close friendships. To me they’re good acquaintances. But seemingly we all have different opinions on this.

I don’t think you’re being controlling or demanding or other things you’ve been accused of. I also think someone who has accepted your support a lot in the past can at least listen to you offloading and send you the odd text message of support. However, I do understand that other people may see it differently. If your friend is in this category I would say then just re-categoríse her as a good acquaintance and find better actual friends.

What does “carrying on like normal” look like for them? Does she realise that you feel that she let you down?
While it’s true that we cannot expect people to step up in exactly the way you want them to I would be annoyed if I had done so for them previously and they had not bothered- friendships are supposed to be give and take in my view
She would move from being a “friend” to being someone I used to know

I have a “friend” who often needs support, but she doesn’t give any back (at all), displays some sort of clear entitlement for everyone to provide it and is so self absorbed with her thoughts and feelings that doesn’t realise that often she is asking people, who have are having a more difficult time than her, for support at the wrong time. A simple meeting for a coffee turns into a 2 hour monologue of her dumping all her grievances on you as if you were a paid therapist.

I have had her demanding attention when I have been in hospital with a stroke, no compassion for me, she just needed someone to hear her because she had an argument with an ex boyfriend. She had a melt down because the guy she divorced 10 years ago is not helping her worth things in her house at the time I was trying to support my child after his friend killed himself, so I admit that when her 93 year old dad died last year I provided her with the support any people would provide to a normal person and that I would expect and got from friends when my dad died (called her, took her out two times for her to had a chance to talk, checked how she was doing during the funeral) and left her to it, I couldn’t face dealing with the moaning monologues for days as I was having a massively bad time supporting a family member who had bigger problems than her and I didn’t have, simply, the strength to carry her too. Thinking of it as I am writing this post, I just noticed that when my dad died she didn’t contact me at all… 🤔

So Op, if you are always providing support to her and she has not reciprocated, just get rid of such energy leach as she is a user.

if you are the one who needs the support all the time… just check you are not expecting too much from people who may be having a worse time than you.

It takes a few seconds to text, "Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. x"

Even when dealing with funeral arrangements for my DH I was able to check in with other people who were less close to see how they were doing.

As the saying goes - feelings are never right or wrong OP. You shouldn’t push away your hurt and anger and you’re not bad for feeling them. Whatever you decide, you should acknowledge that hurt to yourself and, as far as possible, seek comfort from yourself or others for it. You can then decide what you want to do: all the options listed here are reasonable ones. You’ll choose what feels most right for you. You won’t be able to simply revert to what was, but you might find other ways of remaining friends. Or not. Best of luck to you.

Sometimes you have to access professional support, not lean on friends. Not everyone is able to give the support your want or has the capacity to accommodate your issues.

The fact that you expressed needing support, could have scared and overwhelmed her. It can be hard to get entrenched in someone else's problems.

I recently felt a bit similar, except I didn't ask for support. I just expected my friend to ask now and again how I was doing after my sibling was diagnosed with cancer.

She never did, then my sibling passed away and I know she feels bad about not being in touch. I was disappointed, but thought she probably has her own problems.

When she said she didn't realise it was that bad, I just said you wouldn't because you haven't been in touch.

I’m so sorry you went through this. Please can you share how you moved past it and carried on the friendship? I am inspired and curious

You can forgive her if you decide that she’s just a good weather friend and don’t expect more than that. Fool me once..

I have a friend who went through a very difficult time a few years ago (her DD was very seriously ill). Looking back I feel bad that I wasn't really there for her, but it happened to be a time when I was going through some tricky stuff myself (although not to the same extent) and didn't have much extra bandwidth for anything else. We're still very close friends.

It's a shame. Some people are emotional vampires. I don't mind being there for people at all and will do a lot to support if I can, but I'm not a sucker either.

I've never actually asked of had any specific expectations of anyone. For major difficult life events, I do expect the most minimum effort to just indicate they care or have thought of you. Even if one measly text message in the space of a year following a major loss.

I often find those who let you down are the ones that want all the support and lap it all up themselves.

I have experienced this too.

No, they're not. I often find those who let you down are the ones that want all the support and lap it all up themselves. Being there can be very minimal.

Are adults really against the idea of giving an explanation? I am busy sounds cold when someone close to you is seeking support. . Poster could have given a bit more explanation without getting in details like sexual harassment - sorry I can’t be there for you at the moment. I’ve a lot of work stress, etc

Saying nothing or I am busy and then expecting other person to know is really immature.