To struggle forgiving a friend who wasn’t there when I really needed them?

We lost a child in the family last year and the people I expected to be there pretty much blanked me, I got the standard thinking of you text and after that there's been nothing. One messaged the other week saying we must meet up for coffee but has ignored me since I replied. My circle has actually got dramatically smaller, but the same time I don't have the energy to make small talk either way. I definitely see people differently now, and really don't think any of these relationships will be the same.

Sometimes they line they've crossed is too big, so it's not worth the effort.

My DH died in an accident suddenly and unexpectedly. I found his body. You can bet I've had trauma flashbacks! In the midst of it all, I never forgot there are other people having a hard time and checked in with them.

I met a friend at a widow's support group who lost her husband the same time I did. She didn't manage quite as well and was admitted to a mental health facility. I know she wasn't in a state to let me know but I knew she was having a hard time and she asked her son to let me know what was happening as soon as she could.

I think most people would forgive the first time. Then maybe just give them a heads up that sometimes you're having a hard time so don't respond or contact during that time? At least then they'll know it's not that you don't care but are dealing with stuff and unavailable.

Anyone who didn't contact me to see how I was in the 18 months after my husband's death was gone from my life. That tells me all I need to know about their care for me.

It is not possible to have regret not disclosing as it was not a choice. I was too traumatised to fully understand let alone speak about it. It would have been like asking a person with an open fracture to hop on it. Over 2 decades later I am still processing what happened in that period.

It was before #MeToo. I do regret my employers and colleagues (at that point I thought they were friends) who saw what was happening did nothing to support me.

You haven't given enough detail in your post. What were you going through and what support did you ask for and how did they respond? If you were going through something really difficult like illness or abuse and needed someone to drive you to appointments or come over to yours at crisis points and your friend ignored your messages/calls then yes that is shitty behaviour. However if you were just feeling down in the dumps and expected her to know this and magically give you what you needed without you asking her then there isn't really anything to forgive.

Same here...you can't pretend you weren't/aren't hurt and continue to have a close friendship.

People have different expectations of friends, and categorise friends (subconsciously!) into ones who will be there when a lot of giving is needed, and ones who won't. I wouldn't blame her for falling into the latter category - I'd just know that in future, those are the terms of the friendship.

Your applying retrospective moral clarity to a trauma state. It wasn't simply a case of having a "hard time". I'm not sure if you've ever experienced trauma flashbacks, but it's not fun, and I certainly wasn't able to function at the capacity you're expecting.

I know she was having a hard time, so I don’t begrudge her lack of messaging in those 3 weeks. Yes, in an ideal, regulated, resourced world it's respectful and caring to give someone a heads up, and that's what I do when I have capacity. If someone doesn't do that, I assume it's because they're really struggling.

I don’t accept that someone else’s mental load is good enough reason for them to not at least acknowledge another’s hard times. It hurts and makes a shitty friend. That said I do not agree with the mentality on here of ditching friends for any perceived slight. No relationships are perfect, and often see MN’rs holding friends to higher standards than their own husbands! If you value her, like or love her in other ways then see the good and recognise the failings. There are frequent ‘I have no friends’ posts on here - don’t cut people off because they don’t tick every box. Of course if she has no other redeeming qualities then it makes sense to let her go, and I’m not suggesting we allow ourselves to be treated like shit for the sake of having friends!

It depends on the situation, for me. Did you reach out for help or it was something truly obvious that you needed it, and they didn’t provide it? Or did they just not proactively offer anything and it’s plausible they didn’t think you needed any help? Do you know her circumstances well enough to know there wasn’t another reason she couldn’t support you?

One of my closest friends had a baby late last year and I feel bad that I haven’t been around to support her. We don’t live nearby so I can’t literally help her, but I’ve not been in touch to chat/support emotionally as much as I should. But in that time, I’ve had a cancer scare, ongoing medical issues and a serious house emergency. Plus all the usual work, child, Christmas chaos. I haven’t told her about any of my big issues due to not wanting to add to her plate, but the other side of the coin is that she might think I’ve been unsupportive for no reason.

How old are you both? I got better with practice at dealing with other people's trauma. In my teens, I was useless/avoidant. In my 20s and 30s, not much better. Now that I'm ancient, I'm reasonably confident of knowing what to say/do, but only because I have a much clearer idea of what's needed. Life and all it throws at us is a bit of a learning curve.

I have a friend who really struggles at times with mental health and it can be a lot to try and support her, to the extent that it can affect the mental health of those around her. Some of her friends have previously had to say that they can’t offer the level of support she needs.

I am the opposite end of the scale and when I am struggling I keep it all in. All it would take is our bad times to coincide and she would probably think I am a rubbish friend and not realise that I have my own stuff going on.

So basically not enough to go on in your post OP, talk to your friend and see if you can sort it out, if you value their friends usually.

Both of the friends were childhood friends who I share a lot of memories with, and I guess I just didn’t want to lose them entirely. Other friends I’d had through a hobby really surprised me - one used to leave me little presents at the hospital to make me smile when I’d go in for chemo, another would drop off food, I did have friends looking after me but these two, who were my longest and supposedly closest friends, didn’t.

When I was better, I met up with both of them (separately) and told them how I felt. One had her own stuff going on that I didn’t know about and she didn’t feel she could tell me because I had enough of my own shit going on, the other initially reacted with anger of all things but really she was just scared. We were all in our late 30s, none of us had had to face our own mortality until that point. Also two years later she disclosed that her (now ex but not at the time I was ill) DH had been violent and had forced her to terminate a much wanted pregnancy. No wonder she couldn’t be around me, with my new baby and a DH who loves us both very much.

So I reflected on it and decided that my life wouldn’t be any better without them in it, it would be sadder, and I just forgave them. It wasn’t that they didn’t care, they just couldn’t do any more than they did. I’d never have known that if I’d just cut them off.

I haven’t read the whole thread but at least one person has advised you to ghost that friend - this is unhealthy because you haven’t told your friend how you feel so don’t overthink it, talk to your friend.

But that's the whole point - you didn't think to. That's what shows a lack of caring. If she knew you were having a hard time, which it doesn't sound like she did, that is also uncaring of her.

I totally get if someone falls into a mental health crisis and is incapacited, psychotic, sectioned or in a coma, sure. Explain that after the fact. Having a hard time and needing to withdraw, just let the person know you need your space. Then they know you're not ignoring them and uncaring.

I mean, you know if you were incapacitated to that degree and it's your business and frienship but, on the whole, I would never withdraw without a word so as not to add to their pain.

True, I could have done that, but in the trauma state I was in I didn't think to. I didn't ignore her as she didn't contact me at all. I would have replied if she had, and assumed if she needed me she'd reach out. Communication works two ways.

Even when going through very dark stuff, I've texted something like, "Hey x, sorry to hear you're having a hard time at the moment. I'd love to offer support but I'm not in a position to do that right now. I wish you the best for now and will be in touch when things are more settled at my end. Love, ycmtsu. x"

There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries on support or not being available, but to just go silent and ignore someone having a hard time, that's a bit mean really.

A definition of a friend is surely to be there for the good and the bad times? Otherwise it's an aquaintance.

But it also depends on other factors: @MyCosyHare

• have you often sollicited her for emotional support in the past without giving back (used her as a therapist)?

• do you know if she's having mh problems/going through something difficult atm which makes it hard for her to be there for someone else?

• what kind of relationship do you have? Is it a close one where you usually lean on one and other or us it meetups for fun times?

There's a lot of assuming going on inthis thread.

Yes, she may have just been a rubbish friend who failed you, OP. Or something could have been going on in her life that she found difficult and she didn't have capacity for anything else.

I had a good friend cut me off last year. She was going through a terrible time with her MH and physical health, and I'd been a supportive friend for a long time. I didn't contact her for 3 weeks in July. She didn't contact me, either. When I got back in touch she left me on read. This happened every week, then every fortnight, then I stopped trying. I'm pretty sure it's because she was upset for me not being in touch those 3 weeks, although she could have messaged herself.

What she doesn't know is that the reason for me going quiet is that my dad, when in hospital on morphine, wanted to talk about things from my childhood. There was physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in my childhood, and as much as I've dealt with it through therapy and am generally pretty stable and happy, very occasionally, something comes out of nowhere and it all comes back and I've got to work through some very complicated thoughts and feelings. When that happens I withdraw from people until I'm more settled. I'd have been able to explain this to her if she'd just engaged with me.

I couldn't move past it when it happened to me, too much had happened. Also there was no real apology or ownership taken which could have made a difference to how I felt.

Thats all fine until the friend who hasn't been there for you expects support from YOU when they are going through a rough time which is what usually happens in these cases. Then it means the friendship is only ever one way- you constantly supporting them and them giving nothing back. Thats not friendship, thats being used and it's parasitic.

Friendship should be mainly reciprocal otherwise its not a friendship.

Shes not there for you when you ask for help. She'll have her reasons

If she's not who you need in your life atm, just quietly pull back and stop contacting her

At first I thought she sounded like a poor friend but then I thought she could be me. My best friend has always needed a lot of support and I’ve been glad to do it but recently I’ve had a lot of stuff going on and I can barely support myself. So I’ve pulled back. I am trying to get well and she is a real obstacle to that. Much as I care for her, I am sad that the support isn’t mutual.

Oh the pas-agg memes on FB/insta do make me laugh. Whenever I see one, it's usually the same person/acquaintance/colleague diva/princess and I'm thinking 'ooo who's pissed you off now?!' Because inevitably, she's been a CF and the other person has called her out and she just doesn't get it.

A friend of mine, going back over a 20 year friendship, is utterly self centred. I rarely hear from her unless she has something go wrong. Then it's multiple WhatsApp voice messages and texts a day...it can be very draining.

I've tried asking for support at various stages in the 20 years but she goes low contact when she knows I'm in a bad way. It's hurtful but I no longer ask now and I've stepped back from providing any support for her.

One example, she phoned me, the morning a very close relative died, knew the relative and knew that she was ill and in hospital. Just a random call to have a chat. I told her what happened and she then started telling me about an argument she'd had with her bfriend (of 2 months) and was crying over how he treated her. 😳 I mean, wtf?! Read the room luv!! 🤣

Should also mentioned i cleaned their homes, stayed with them at their lowest moments to help them manage and get through and talked to them daily to make sure they were ok, I was there for them and to support them.