To struggle forgiving a friend who wasn’t there when I really needed them?

I try to see people for different reasons.

ones that are fun casual night
out types

some are arty theatre

some are sensitive and caring
and will drop all to help

some end up self centred
and are dropped if they do t bring anything else to the table.

but Dispite the hurt try to see them for what they are and if you still get something out of the relationship then continue but if to don’t or can’t get past it. Drop them. No need for drama. They wont see your
point anyway and might
blacken your name with
others.

I have one friend who is judgy. I know this as she make comments about another friend but she has other good points so I tolerate that.

another friend is a huge gossip so I’ve learnt not to confine in her about myself but she is fun in other ways.

im sure I’m not perfect myself.

I have amazing friends.

I think terrible things make you realise that some people can sit with pain and some people can’t. Some people let me down and some people really shone through.

Keep it moving unless she was going through a death or something leave her be

Goodness that’s awful to read. I’m so sorry. I hope that you do have real friends to be with x

I completely agree. These are grown adults we are talking about - people who presumably hold down jobs and run households but they can't even manage a 30 second text message?

Its pathetic. If you want to keep your friends then yes, you do have to make a tiny bit of effort now and then to show care and to keep that relationship going. If thats too much then fine, dont expect to have any social relationships or friendships with anyone because all relationships take a bit of effort.

Most worthwhile things in life require effort and care.

Why are people so hopeless with these situations? When my friend was in that position, I sent her a message saying, "Sorry to hear you're in x situation. I know you might need some space at the moment, but I'm thinking of you and here when you are ready to talk." (She had been admitted to a psych facility). Then she knows I've thought of her, why I'm not being more communicative, and letting her know I'm there. Unless they've told you they want space, let them know you haven't just bailed out. It's not hard.

Cut an old friend out for this reason and I don’t regret it. I was always there for her whenever she needed, some of her issues were seriously minor and petty but I’d help as much as I could. Then when I went through a shit time she just wouldn’t return the favour at all. I’d pour my heart out and she’d just respond with one basic line along the lines of ‘I’m so sorry mate’.

Just do it, you’ll feel better. What is the purpose of a friend if they’re not there for you through shit times as well as good?

My son died when he was 14. I have some friends who never spoke to me again.

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss.

So I gave them a chance when they let me down through a dark time. Unfortunately they did it again through another bad patch. I’m done now. I’ve also seen this person clearly for what they were.

Weird, third thread in as many days near enough about friends allegedly not being there.

I dont think theres enough info op. Based on similar threads it appears anything down to forgetting if a friend takes sugar in their tea can be considered truly hurtful and unforgiveable requiring flowers, notes, paid lunches.....

Sometimes people pull back because they think you need space or know you’re struggling so think that leaving you to it is helpful, even though it’s not always. Maybe tell her how you feel?

Depends why they weren't there. A few years ago I know I wasn't there for a friend who needed support. I was dealing with stuff myself - bereavement and my own mental health issues- and I didn't have anything to give. I was honest with her about it. I had previously been there to support her over many many years. She pulled back and I've since felt really conflicted about it, as it seemed like I was only wanted if I was 'useful'. We are still friends but not as close as we were.

A couple of close friends of mine disappeared/ didn’t check in after I had a pregnancy loss a few years back and it took a lot of time and upset for me to move on from it and build our friendships up again. I definitely don’t see them the same as before but I tried to give them some grace as I know sometimes people don’t know what to say.

I've a friend that dropped me when I became I'll and unable to drive anymore .
I also used to do odd jobs for her .
However she is quick enough to invite me to hers to help out ( aka do ) when it comes to online form filling / admin or searching online for stuff like insurance quotes / changing banks / setting up Direct Debits etc.
I'm much more unavailable to her .

If you have been open with them about needing support and being low and they pulled back then no - I wouldn’t forgive.

Ive had this. Years ago I had a ‘best’ friend who knew I was going through the worst time. I was so open and honest with her about it all. She messaged and called me lots but was weirdly cagey about meeting up, having a bit of a girlie night etc. Like she was ok to message and chat but not actually see me or give me a hug. I figured at the time it was just a case of plans never leaving the chat, having kids and jobs etc

She then had a ‘birthday weekend’ spa day a couple of weeks later with ‘the girls’ which I only found out about through her social media post - same ‘girls’ I’ve been out with with her a number of times - which back then would have been a great distraction to the crap I was going through. It then transpired this was her hen party as she got married a few weeks later which she also hadn’t told me about and same girls were at the wedding. Small registry office, small meal afterwards.

I was utterly floored. My ‘best’ friend got married and hadn’t actually mentioned a thing about it to me. It turned out the entire issue was her ‘best’ friend had taken a dislike to me so I’d been sidelined for her - she chose her over me.

I have never spoken to her again. I wish her no ill feelings but she will never be a part of my circle ever again.

There isn’t enough information.

Did they know you needed support? Did they understand the severity? Why were they not there?

honestly if she’s a good friend id speak to her over coffee.

it could be she says ‘i didjt want to worry you when you were going through abc but i was going through xyz at the time and it was awful’

at least then you’d understand. if she’s a good was a good friend i’d say it in the way of ‘i was wondering if everything was ok with you because you’re usually around for me and i for you, but when i was dealing with abc you weren’t really available and i was wondering if it was because something was wrong?’

and if she says no all was fine id be going on to say ‘im glad to hear it but honestly i was a little lost and when i was asking for help you vanished, what was that all about, did i annoy you or something. it really upset me.’

depending on what she replied i’d be ‘busy’ a lot when she messaged in future or back to normal with her.

I'm autistic and withdraw in general, so if someone checks in with me, "I'm just fine, thanks". The checking in is important though. I understand the traumatic childhood too. I stayed home from events twice this week as I just needed my own space. That's actually my biggest battle - wanting to hermit vs. knowing it's not good to live that way all the time. I will always be there and reach out to other people going through a hard time.

In the end, what is normal for your friendships will prevail. Everyone has blips from time to time. As long as everyone understands the other and that there is care, it would be okay.

I'm not going to consider not asking how I am in 18 months a blip though. That's much bigger and I'm not even interested in taking the relationship any further.

Thank you for answering with such grace.

I cut a friend out of my life after 35 years. It was only then I realised she had never been a true friend. Best thing I ever did.

This exact thing happened to me too, I posted here about it but yours is far more articulately written ❤️ wishing you all the best for treatment and recovery.

I’m very sorry for your loss. What you went through sounds devastating, and I understand why consistent checking-in became so important to you.

I think where we differ is that people’s nervous systems respond to trauma in very different ways. Some stay outward-facing and communicative. Others withdraw and lose access to communication altogether, particularly autistic people or those with complex trauma (both friend and I are diagnosed autistic and have significant childhood trauma. We met at DBT sessions). Neither reflects the depth of care, just capacity in that moment.

Then maybe just give them a heads up that sometimes you're having a hard time so don't respond or contact during that time? At least then they'll know it's not that you don't care but are dealing with stuff and unavailable.

As a rule, this is how I function. Very occasionally, in extremely difficult times, I can't. If there's a friendship pattern of poor communication and demonstrative care, then I agree with your stance, but I wouldn't cut someone off for a blip. We’re unlikely to agree, but I appreciate you sharing your perspective.

I'm sorry for your loss. Making friends with people who have 'been there' is often the best way to have friends who understand. With my friend, we don't even have to talk about it. We know the life subtext.

I'm terrible at asking for support. I really don't. I also don't expect people to read minds, but I do think that a message after the funeral period is over isn't a big thing to expect. That should just be intuitive.

I didn’t. I told her in no uncertain terms where she could take her behaviour and go! It really hurt me