Can I have another child?

I think for me it would be the age gap that would make me pause.

I had 3 in 6 years and even they have very different needs and wants. The youngest will never be at secondary school with the others for example. The youngest was often out later than their bedtime to do swimming lessons or brownies etc pick ups and it did make routines harder to sort.

Having a baby/toddler when the older ones are both in high school will make things like attending GCSE options events much harder.

Holidays and days out where you can't do things like bike rides or waterparks or anything adventurous.

The youngest will have a very different experience to the older 2 I think. I almost wished we had had 2+2 for that reason.

I will say that my teens need me so much and want so much of my headspace and attention. This was unexpected - as was the insane costs of then wanting pocket money, phones, school residentials and now driving lessons!

I couldn't have been talked out of my 3rd and am very glad we went for it. But it definitely changes a lot for the first 2.

When my third baby was born my other children were almost 5 and almost 9 years old.
so I’ve three boys now. Third boy just slotted into the chaos. They absolutely love each other.
If you both want another baby then go for it, it’s your decision not anyone elses. Good luck whatever you decide!

If you want a third child do it !
I had my third baby two weeks after my 44th birthday. Zero regrets !

I just feel if it's taken two working people 20 years to save 100k once the husband gets his 70k pay off, at this rate of saving, say another 20 yrs, by which time they will be in their 60s, where will they live?

They will have to pay full market rent, not subsidised army rent over these 20yrs, so even with 200k, bearing in mind inflation, life will be v challenging financially. You'd be in your 60s on bedsit money in assets with 3 children, 1 still reliant on them.

The numbers just don't work. Each have gained in assets the equivalent of £2500 in per year from the age of 20 to 40, so essentially 90% of all their money historically went to someone else... Even with the army's subsidy.

I fear you'd be relying on the state quickly if 1 of you got ill, you lost any future jobs, had care responsibilities etc... Let alone a newborn.

Again, I'd not have another child. Instead I'd use the years ahead with fewer childcare responsibilities to earn money, savings, put into a home you own, and finally gain the start of some security. The army money might sound like a lot but it'll pay for a couple of cars, pay for your children to do a 3yr degree at uni sum, bit it's not much towards any kind of family property. Sorry.

You haven’t missed your chance. My mum had me at 44 and I’m so glad she did. It sounds as if deep down your gut is saying you’d love another, you have 2 already so it’s not like you’re naive about what’s involved! And if your husband feels the same then go for it.
Only you know what’s right for you and your family.
Many people have their first kid late 30’s, so it’s not too late at all, unless you want it to be.
Go for a long walk alone and listen to your gut ❤️

It won't negatively impact your Dc if its managed right. If they are told they can't go to activities because of baby's nap or are expected to constantly babysit then yes it will impact them but you can make sure this doesn't happen with planning and good childcare arrangements. If its what you want and DH agrees I don't see why not. People can be a bit obsessed with money here. You don't need to be wealthy you just need to have enough for them to be able to live a comfortable life with educational opportunities. I don't see that splitting the pot between 3 instead of 2 is a big deal.

Next week they will be begging you far harder for a puppy...

Then some new fashionable clothes..

Then tickets to a music concert..

They are children... don't be silly and have this influence you.

It's hard feeling that you can't afford something, but on paper you really can't. Wants v needs is a painful concept for many people though.

This.

i think you'd be mad to start over when you already have two aged 13 & 9. They still need you (just in different ways at this point) but a baby will take up a lot of your time and energy.

Also it's not really my business but I hope your loan is costing less in interest than you're getting from savings. Doesn't make financial sense, otherwise.

@BlubberingBlue "bringing a new life into the family would be a gift to us all"

No it wouldn't. It would be a "gift" to you. I very much doubt your existing children want their lives disrupted by a screaming new addition, with their mother's love and attention snatched away from them. They'll soon be entering a new phase of life and will need your love and support more than ever before. Meanwhile you will be frazzled, pushing 40 and starting all over again. Your financial situation doesn't sound ideal either.

That just isn’t true. There are loads of situations where a 3rd child is a nice idea

I'd be fairly concerned at your stage in life not being on the housing ladder. With your savings and 70k army payoff you'd have 100k, but these days that's half a 2 bed flat in a mediocre area... 1 third in the south East. Your elder children will get more expensive just when you need money for a new baby, solicitor fees, mortgage fees, yadda yadda.

I'd be thinking you've been OK the last 10, 12, 14 years due to the army accommodation, but losing that will be a real financial hit when rents are nuts expensive for any kind of family home anywhere these days :(.

Having more kids would be a big no for me in your circumstances.

I feel really sad as it seems like I’ve missed my opportunity somewhere in there.

Or you could say, I took a different path and that path means I can spend more time on my two kids, my relationships, my fitness, my career, I can retire earlier/have more spending money. Try to see the positives?

Don’t place so much importance on what strangers online tell you.
If you both really want another child you won't let people on a forum put you off.

Honestly why not just go for it. If you’re saying that’s what you want - that’s your life and another little person who you will love with your whole heart. Mumsnet is always anti third child no matter the circumstances.

I just had a baby at 38 and I have a 5 year old and I have to say it’s tough going back to the baby stage when you are used to that bit of independence and time to yourself during school hours etc.

There are plenty of only children in the world who are perfectly fine and not lonely. Hate this sort of thing being trotted out all the time casually

I don't quite understand posts like these?

OP is 38. Many women are only starting their family at that stage, the risks are not significantly higher for having complications or a child with additional needs.

I'm not saying women shouldn't consider these possibilities, if it's worrying for them, but in reality, at any age, and in any pregnancy there are risks, and can be complications.

OP, some of the replies here are mad. I appreciate you are asking people for their opinion, but they are presenting so many 'what ifs?'.

The reality is that with any choice in life, we have no certainty of it working out well, or otherwise.

Of course you have to make practical provision for your children, so start there - but after that, it comes down to what you and your DH want, and I don't think any comments here will help with that.

Naturally, each of us approaches this with our own perspective and preferences, but ultimately it's about what you feel about family life, what feels right to you. You are certainly not a bad position to have another baby, but only you can weigh up the financial implications, the age gap, and any impact on career.

Speaking about having a preference, in my own case, I always wanted 4 children, had 3 in quick succession - my marriage was abusive, so clearly things were far from ideal, it ended when the smallest was a baby. I recognise that practically having 4 would have been incredibly hard - it's very tough parenting alone with 3 as it is - but I still miss that 4th child I planned to have, as illogical as that is. (my youngest is 14 now!)

I wouldn’t, it’ll completely change the amount of energy you can give your older children. They could find it really tough. Wanting another baby doesn’t mean having one is a good idea. What if you had twins or a child with complicated medical issues or additional needs?