He’ll never get it will he?

My husband does most of our cooking, he actively enjoys cooking and makes interesting meals for us etc, the cleanup though. We'd definitely both appreciate a housekeeper type role so he could enjoy cooking without a thought to the dishes. Then we'd just order in anytime he couldn't be bothered.

I actually don't mind cooking either but I hate not having the time so I guess for me taking the other drains on our time away by being millionaires would mean a private cook wouldn't feel like a big deal.

However of my husband said cooking had that big an impact on him I wouldn't be waiting to won't he lottery, is be looking at ways to change our division of labour to take some of that effort off him

Third option

You are a martyr

Why do you say he doesn’t get it? He understands it perfectly unless he’s incredibly stupid.

He just doesn’t care because he’s in his comfort zone with his needs being met.

Is this a “straw that breaks the camels back” moment OP?

What’s he like in other areas? I don’t blame you for feeling fed up if you’ve gone over this in conversation with him many times.

Exactly.

I am so sick of women wanking on about the ‘mental load’ and unequal division of labour when they are 100% enabling it by martyring themselves and letting piece of shit men walk all over them.

Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his laundry. Stop remembering his mum’s birthday. Just stop.

That's been the same for me. It wasn't even straight after having DC as I had maternity leave and worked part time for 6 years. I did the majority of cooking and cleaning because I liked to be busy and had the time. It was only when I went full time that I struggled to keep on top of things. I initially thought he'd become more lazy but after a while I realised he was doing the same he always did, it was just that I hadn't even considered how things were divided previously as I was just getting on with things and happy to do it.

Even when he’s wanted to lose weight, I’ve been the one finding the ‘diet recipes’ and planning out his food/meal prepping for him.

Seriously - why on earth did you do that?

Just stop cooking for him. He clearly doesn't appreciate it.

I'd start batch cooking things only you like and defrosting just enough for you. And only buying the things you like. He'll soon get bored of a chippy tea.

That's exactly what I'd do with the money as well. I live on my own though, trying to avoid potential cocklodgers. YANBU.

He thinks paying to make your life a bit easier isn't just a waste of money, it's the biggest waste of money ever.

That's pretty cold and disrespectful. He feels entitled to you doing all cooking and he takes you doing it for granted. To him, a wife is a free housemaid and cook. That's some nasty misogyny there.

What does he do of the household work load?

He'd be dealing with getting his own meals from now on. He wants to eat shit takeaway, let him. But that money comes out of his expenses. He shit on you, time to let him experience the fallout.

Yeah I think it’s important for us to know if he pulls his weight with other things around the house in equal measure. My partner does 100% of the cooking and washing up but I do all the cleaning and the laundry and we are both happy with this split. I couldn’t be bothered thinking of meals to cook all the time, he couldn’t be bothered cleaning bathroom. Win win. Could it be a similar story with your husband or does he do very little generally?

Stop talking to him in metaphors - forget mental
loads and cups by the dishwasher, if you feel he isn’t pulling his weight tell him, plainly and directly. I’d be saying our conversation the other night made me realise how much I resent doing all the cooking, I need you to plan and cook X number of nights, starting next week. And then step back and leave him to it.

So tell him that as he clearly thinks it is no big deal he can do all the day to day cooking for the next six months then you can sit down and discuss it.

DH once criticised how I ironed his shirts, I never ironed a thing for him again and that was 30 years ago. Ironing the kids’ stuff became his responsibility too as he was clearly so much better at ironing than I was.

Why don't you just tell him that it's his turn to do 90% for a few years and then he can then take stock of whether a cook is a good idea?

Just think about what you’re saying.

Your life has currently got to such a shit state that If your DH took on just one of the household chores (cooking, which he should be contributing to anyway) you’d literally feel like you’d won the lottery.

Fuck me, the bar is in hell and your husband still manages to crawl under it every day.

What on earth do you find attractive about this man child?

I’d be dropping my contribution to 50% pretty sharpish! Take me for granted and you’ll soon know about it.

there are lots of families where each person has a “job”. So long as it all balances out, it’s fine.

you say your job is cooking. What jobs are your husband’s? Is it more the lack of balance that bothers you, as opposed to the fact your job is cooking and he doesn’t have to plan?

and something that needs to be talked of more before people have kids is the fact that every single fucking meal for 18+ years needs to be planned. It’s relentless.

Does he do other household tasks? I probably do 90% of the cooking and meal planning too because I am better at cooking. DH would absolutely do more if I asked though and he does do other things more than me which balances it out

You did 90% of cooking (and cleaning?) before you had children?
That's on you so.
I split it 50/50 for a decade before kids came along.
It moved over time to 60/40 but never beyond that.
You need to set some boundaries and expectations.

Your options aren’t only to LTB or put up with it.

There is the more obvious option of just not cooking for him anymore. Or at least a couple of nights a week.

You could just sort yourself out with beans on toast or a ready made soup or something and leave him to sort the kids and himself. If he chooses to just get a chippy dinner on those nights then what do you care?

I don't know if it's LTB territory yet, but I'd certainly be upset and annoyed that all of this was left to me. You say he 'can't' understand the problem - but do you really mean 'won't'? Unless he's actually stupid, it shouldn't be too hard to understand that his wife is not a robot who exists only to make his life easy.

I would make sure he does his bit from now on. Have a chat with him, tell him that the conversation made you realise just how little he contributes to the running of the house and family. Ask him which jobs he'd like to take on. Which evenings will he be cooking?

If he refuses to do his share, then yes. I'd be thinking about whether I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't care about me and our family enough to step up.

So stop doing everything and pkease yourself more.

It doesn't have to be this way.

The 'leaving the dishes by the sink' is often mentioned on here. The other day this one came up on my feed - he's a bit smug about his road to Damascus conversion but it's worth noting.

I thought my wife was a control freak – now I know I was the problem

I’ve put YANBU because you’re not, but not sure it’s LTB level. Just tell him! Start with one night a week, he has to plan, buy, prepare and cook the meal. Every week, it’s his job. Then build it up from there. Prepare yourself for cheese on toast but don’t give in!

Try this...