He’ll never get it will he?

I totally get it OP. My own tiny rebellion on this is that my husband is veggie and me and the kids aren’t so I’ve just started cooking meat or fish almost every day and say “oh sorry, I haven’t thought about something for you yet’ I’ll leave that with you”. I don’t care if he only lives on toast. Until he shows me and the kids some thought and care around meal prep and planning I’ve gone on strike caring about his diet

Well maybe not Ltb but surely stop cooking for him

Pretty much. However, I've addressed it by making him see what i have to do and i think it's brought some degree of understanding if not complete. But then i switch off when he talks about his work sooo it goes both ways! In other words, it's hard to walk in someone else's shoes. We both contribute equally though - he works more, I'm at home more, money is for all of us.

I have a male friend who does all the domestics but his high earning wife doesn't get it!

It’s good that he finally realised what was actually going on. It’s depressing but completely believable that he only realised when he read a book about it, not by actually listening to his poor wife. I wonder if she would agree that he has actually changed though?
The “superhuman and the bumbler” phrase. is uncannily accurate. I also spent years being told I was a control freak and shouldn’t worry what other people think, when I was acutely aware that I had to either pick up the slack or allow my kids to have a fairly shit childhood. Since our divorce he lives in squalor and our youngest has refused to see him for nearly 2 years. The older kids have a shower and change their clothes immediately after every visit to Dads. And this is a man who held down a £100K a year job before he decided he was above that as well.

I do nearly all cooking and food shopping. BUT DH does all laundry and more cleaning than me plus all DIY and most gardening. That's what works for us.

I voted YABU because that's the reality of marriage. In a way, the old fashioned transaction approach is more realistic, now I think we put too much pressure and unrealistic expectations having "ideal" lives and partners and romance. What you need to do is to ensure there's equal work being done by both of you. He doesn't need to "get it". He just needs to do his bit. It's up to you how much you tolerate though. Yes it's disappointing.

Yes… you.

but I’m going to guess that you aren’t in the position of being married to a man who does absolutely nothing in the kitchen @WellHardly

So not one of the people I was describing

I actually think it’s more than pre children, you just don’t have as many demands on your time - so cooking isn’t such a hassle.

Post-kids you have 10x the domestic load to manage, and so the cooking becomes just another chore in the evening, when you have limited spare time.

I mean - we used to eat out a lot more pre kids, which obviously we can’t don now - or you’d be out socialising a couple of nights a week vs eating pretty much every meal at home. It’s a different job.

How bizarre. My main question in the early days of any relationship is ‘Am I into him?’

I am also married to a man who can’t / won’t cook. A meal a week with a lot of cajoling.

I used to love cooking and now hate it. It’s just relentlessly awful having to do it every single day.

I’m now moving towards just doing what I fancy and he am hoping that might spark some action. So eg soup, which he doesn’t see as a proper meal.

I don’t think the non-cook can see how huge a task it is. The thinking, the shopping, the planning, the doing - and, at the end of the day when already tried and have children to deal with etc.

It’s a funny thing about a lot of domestic jobs women get lumbered with - they’re repetitive, daily. Compare this to the equivalent a man might claim to contribute eg changing lightbulbs, that might be once a year.

What i think happens s is in the honeymoon period of dating, these women love playing “wifey” and showing their new beau how amazing they are i the kitchen and wax lyrical about how much they LOVE it.

Then they marry and have children…. And never actually communicate with partner that when they went on about how much they LOVE cooking for their man, that has changed and there needs to be more balance.

Instead what seems to happen is simmering resentment

Which is obviously the solution but another example of her having to take on more of this man’s mental load.

Having to teach him how to give a fuck about his partner.

How long have you been doing everything and he’s been doing nothing?

Let him. Tell him his response to your question has made you realise how little he values your additional contributions to make his life easier, and from now on the options are that you either split all chores 50/50 or you will only cook and clean for yourself and the children and he needs to start looking after himself.

but eventually the shine would wear off that.

Work out a plan with him, starting gradually, say he cooks on one day per week (plans, cooks, everything) and ramp it up so you take equal shares of cooking and planning. Either have definite fixed days, or work out a plan when you make the shopping list of who will cook what and when.

There may be a rocky start, but it's worth the effort.

Does he do other stuff OP, eg work longer hours or do different household chores? Or is it just completely unbalanced?

what if you said something like:

DH, the fact that you said hiring a chef if we won the lottery is a massive waste of money makes me realise that you have no idea how much of a burden the shopping/cooking etc is. I do not feel my huge contribution in that area is valued at all even when I go above and beyond eg researching and cooking for your diet. We need to adjust this before I become any more resentful. How do you suggest we fix this massive gap?

if he has no answer, say that you think you should take on 3 nights each with the final night a quick/easy meal takeaway. But he can’t just buy chips!

the alternative would be that he takes on a task/tasks that is/are equal to the cooking. I’m not sure what though - he does all laundry plus all washing up? Laundry alone isn’t equal to all cooking, shopping, planning in my view.

I did say something to him - I just didn’t tell him I hadn’t made his lunch! Informed him that he had been a complete arse all night being on his phone and that I wasn’t impressed that he had only spoken to me all evening to just moan at me. Didn’t want or require a further discussion about it as frankly I’d already had a bad enough day that I’d only just managed to get through. Usually I’ll tell him which box is his for his lunch but given he didn’t ask I had no reason to tell him I hadn’t made him anything.

This is so strange

So you stomped around doing the same thing you’ve done day in and day out, and it didn’t occur you to say something to this man child?

You should have just said to him what you said here. No hints, no talking around it.

”Yes, to you it’s a waste of money because you don’t do any of that domestic work. You place the full burden on me so you already have a cook.”

I also wouldn’t be doing all the cooking unless there was another chore with similar mental load that he took full responsibility.

I do think if often seems the way that for men a long term relationship is about securing themselves a domestic appliance.

I showed DP my massive discontent lastnight!!

I usually make his lunch for him - we are on a diet and I’ll usually bung his lunch in whilst I’m doing tea.

But lastnight after getting stuck in accident traffic on the motorway and my 2 hour journey back from a meeting taking 4 hours, I’m full of a cold, and he generally sat like a man child on his phone not offering to help once whilst I was busying about in the kitchen making a meal for the kids plus a different meal for us, didnt ask how I was, how my day went or offer to make me a cup of tea and only spoke to me to moan about something - I thought sod it!!!!

I must admit to hear him open the fridge looking for his lunch and the subsequent slamming of the door this morning was extremely satisfying!!!! 😈

The options are

he will never change - accept it
i should talk to him a lot about this and hope he chnages
i should also start downing tools in the basis i have done my share

Absolutely this.

You've spent years cooking all his meals to his exact dietary requirements and now you've had a lightbulb moment (although you knew beforehand that he doesn't cook so not sure why it's such a revelation) you're debating leaving him, rather than sitting down and having an actual discussion with him or just, you know, stopping doing it?!

Such a bizarre overreaction.