He’ll never get it will he?

I haven't voted as - however tongue in cheek you say the options are - you haven't included the actual option I would choose which is to have a serious conversation about division of labour and to let him know you wanted to share the meal prep from now on. then mean it, and stick to it.

It always ends up with the same “I’m already stressed/overwhelmed with work so can’t take anymore on” from him

So because he is busy with work he can’t cook or clean for himself?? What would he do if he was single??

Why does him having a job mean that he is entitled to a housemaid running around after him?

I simply don’t understand why you accept this. If DH said this to me I’d be aghast. And far from feeling guilty, I’d feel pretty revolted by him.

Bloody hell I was a single parent with a full time mega stressful job as a ward sister and still managed to keep my home nice, DS looked after and eat well everyday whats his excuse?

I think this has to be the catalyst for a big change to 50:50 cooking - with a rota of which days are whose and a requirement that it must be home cooked food. Maybe one takeaway for the 7th day to make it exactly even. And that it also must be done at dinner time (whenever that is in your house) not late at night because he’s done something so complex, and not with every pan in the house used.

Basically it must be done as women, especially mothers, do it.

If he really thinks being relieved of the cooking would be a waste of money, he won’t mind taking on three days per week.

The thinking also needs to be shared - so he needs to come up with his three meals and tell you the ingredients before you shop. Or else take it in turns to be the one who shops.

And yes we have had many conversations about it. It always ends up with the same “I’m already stressed/overwhelmed with work so can’t take anymore on” from him, me feeling guilty for asking, and so the cycle continues.

I wonder how that works for single guys or divorced dads?

I am stressed with work so I live in a sty where the toilet is never cleaned and I am ashamed to bring people home.

I am stressed with work so I pay a lot of money for a cleaner and also for takeaways and my cholesterol is through the roof because of the takeaways and frankly they taste like shit and I'm sick of them.

Or maybe - I am stressed with work but I am a fully functional human being so I also feed myself and clean up after myself.

Basically what he is saying to you is he already has a domestic to do the housework/cooking for him so why should he do it?

I'd go back to work full time and hire a cleaner if I were you.

I would lose my shit if anyone said that to me.

Same. I even hate cooking shows. It’s such a drudge when you have to do it day in day bloody out! I get zero pleasure from eating anything I’ve cooked.

When you talked about the lottery, what did he say he would like to do?

If it was anything like “work fewer hours” you should hit him with “that’s a total waste of money” and see if he starts to get it now.

I used to love cooking and eating - I had a food blog- but cooking for a family broke me. When my ex left two years ago. I lost two stone because the kids don't really mind what they eat, and I wasn't having to plan and cook stuff for him! When the kids aren't here I end up living on toast and it's bliss. I don't mind the cooking; it's the planning and shopping and negotiating what people will eat that everyone likes So yes, I would outsource that for sure

My husband does all the cooking in our house, and I generally prefer his cooking to anyone else’s, so I’d probably say the same as your husband to be honest! Maybe I’d let him have a night off 😉.
Then again I’d pay for a housekeeper… not just a cleaner, but someone who will do the laundry/ironing/change beds etc, because they’re my jobs in the house. He would probably see that as a waste of money, as I do it all.

The point is that during that pre kids phase, a lot of women do like to prove their wifely qualities.

I was married (and divorced so it clearly wasn't perfect!) but I've always expected complete equality in terms of contributions to the household and I've always had it.

It doesn't matter who I've dated or who I've lived with, I've never done more than my fair share. I didn't even realise until I started using MN that my experience wasn't universal. It was a real eye opener to me that some women are married to men who do nothing!

I've only been dating again for the past 12 years and still only been in relationships with men (40s and 50s) who were clear about their expectation to be a fully paid up adult.

I must have met men who were like this but they didn't make it to a second date because sexist attitudes always showed themselves early on (usually in relation to comments completely unrelated to expectations of domestic servitude).

Some marriages are just not a partnership, it's one person in service to the other. Essentially it's a lack of care and respect. The fact that you make excuses for him OP also shows that you don't really care or respect yourself.

When you value yourself and expect him to value you too then he will treat you better. Or he may not and you then have to decide whether you are willing to accept that or whether you are worth more.

I too would spend lottery money on a private chef. If I only had to cook once per week (like my DH) I'd be happy.

I agree with this!

I think fridge management is it's own job... I hate it.

Why didn't you call him when you were stuck in traffic and ask him to make dinner?

Stop doing it and see what happens.

And yes we have had many conversations about it. It always ends up with the same “I’m already stressed/overwhelmed with work so can’t take anymore on” from him, me feeling guilty for asking, and so the cycle continues.

"Same here DH. I can't continue to do this anymore either so I'll be stopping doing your laundry or meals from now on as that will ease my stress a lot."

If he is untidy then get a box and dump all his stuff in that, including empty crisp packets etc and place it next to his side of the bed. He either deals with it or not, but at least it's all in one place, out of general sight.

Although, honestly, you seem to be at the beginning of the end of your marriage as resentment and frustration are both relationship killers. Start planning your exit strategy, it might be next year or in ten, but unless he gets a lightbulb moment this is it. Sorry OP.

Wow. Thats the most petty thing ive ever heard.

Sounds like you are enabling him to get away with being a (very) part-time performative cook rather than someone who does his fair share. Why have you let this happen?

In our house, it’s me that does the majority of the cooking as that’s the way it falls for availability. I also do the online shop and take delivery and put it away. My other half will sometimes cook at weekends.
He will do other jobs that fit in with his availability though so I suppose that’s the difference.
When you do cook and he starts to eat, does he thank you and tell
you its nice or does he just eat? That would be important.
It’s a shame though that he doesn’t acknowledge that this is a chore to you.
If he doesn’t spend time doing other required jobs, it might be time to say for eg “you’re cooking on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday so make sure you know what you’re making and let me know”. If he doesn’t do it, just start to cook for yourself.

This should have been your response.

”Well, over time it would be a hell of a lot cheaper and healthier than living on takeouts every night - which is exactly what you’d be doing if I wasn’t already your private chef without a salary”

I’ve also stopped washing his clothes. If you don’t want to leave (I don’t, for lots of reasons) you do have to just withdraw a bit to save yourself from burnout or rage or both