He’ll never get it will he?

Exactly. As bad as these men are, a lot of women need to take some responsibility for enabling this kind of carry-on. I get some pleas fall on deaf ears but I feel so often the women don’t even speak up at all.

With the exception of those in abusive relationships that are terrified of speaking up, I don’t understand why you’d just go along with all this while complaining in your head or to mumsnet or your friends. Talk to your husband!

Over the course of our marriage it has changed many times. Initially, both working FT, him forces, me long hours= ready meals/ whoever was home first.
When i went on maternity leave i got excited about cooking/ shopping for food, and i meal planned and cooked and enjoyed it. When the kids were little, and I worked pt I continued, as I felt responsible for feeding them well.
Went back FT, DH away a lot, dad helped- i meal planned, he cooked
Now I work FT, DH no longer forces, works fewer/ shorter days. Kids at Uni. He cooks almost every night for himself and my dad (I'm doing Slimming World, so prefer my own stuff that noone else likes!) If I'm home first, I cook. If he's home first (most days) he cooks
I do also have a cleaner. DH does a lot more cleaning than me, and although he doesn't say it i know he feels a bit aggrieved. Again, when on mat leave I did loads of cleaning, but now FT just can't be arsed, so I pay a cleaner to do my share! Maybe your DH could do similar with the cooking if he CBA...

In terms of what else does he do, it’s mainly DIY stuff but very little of the actual household chores (I think he’s maybe cleaned the bathroom once since I’ve known him). When we were renovating the house, he’d spend evenings and weekends doing that for example

That’s ridiculous. I am assuming that project is done with and he hasn’t been renovating the house daily for the duration of your relationship?

The ad hoc DIY that he’s probably doing now, doesn’t compensate for you doing all the daily cooking and cleaning for the entirety of your relationship.

Granted you said he works more hours but you still do work. And if anything you can look at it that you’ve sacrificed working more hours to care for the children that you both have. And isn’t there a consequence for that in terms of pensions? If so, I hope he’s making up any lost pension contributions on your behalf.

You said these options are tongue in cheek - but what are you seriously proposing as a way to tackle this?

I can’t understand how so many women of the same generation as me or even younger allow this kind of set up to go on. I call it modern misogyny, they want a traditional housewife but want the “housewife” to also work.

I have nearly always been with men who cook and clean as much if not more than me.

I get some men switch up when you get married or have kids but it seems like he was always like this.

Parents really need to raise their daughters with more self esteem and less desperation to keep a man.

@Beforeorafterchristmas if it was my house I'd seriously kick his backside into the kitchen. Just saying.
At least its opened your eyes.

It's really not. It's a result of HIS inactivity and laziness, and lack of contribution to family responsibilities

Quiet quit the household stuff that you can get past not being done

I only do what's necessary for myself and the kids

I would tell him the his comment made you feel that he doesn’t appreciate what you do and therefore you would like him to do what you do (incl meal planning, shopping & cooking, etc.) for 1 month without cheating by getting takeaways, ready meals or meals that are ready to go in the oven. Also tell him that after that month, you would like him to help more. He’s only going 10% because you’re enabling him

Even when he’s wanted to lose weight, I’ve been the one finding the ‘diet recipes’ and planning out his food/meal prepping for him.

That was your choice
Did he ask you to do this for him?
Has he done something equivalent for you?

Make a change
Stop doing everything

I had ‘I don’t care what we eat just put some fucking food in the table’

Well, I just cook the same seven meals on rotation each week, so there is no mental load at all.

My weekly food shop is the same each week.

You could try that and if he doesn't like it, he could take over the cooking.

Mandemikc · Today 21:04
Lots of pages, can't look through them all. Do you work full time? Does he?
You dont have to scroll through lots of pages. Just tap to read OPs posts. She has said who does what with work.

I just cook for me and the kids. And I'm a sahm. Because dh started complaining about this and that early on I quickly decided that I won't put up with that. He also eats later than us and is happy to eat his frozen soups etc to lose some weight.

Lots of pages, can't look through them all. Do you work full time? Does he?

I’ve always done all the food related stuff in my family, whether I’ve been married or single. But when I was married there were things my husband did that I didn’t.
He always mowed the lawn and kept the garden nice, he checked my tyres regularly etc.
So yes, he probably didn’t get the ‘mental load’ of meal planning but it all balanced out in its own way - even though the marriage didn’t work out in the end.

I'm single and very happy I couldn't and would never be the one who does all food shops cooking ever again.
Both of my sons cook for themselves or share cooking with girlfriends .
If I cook a family meal it's because I want to not because I'm made to feel I have to get tea on the table.
My dad is the cook bottle washer everything at home .
Can't stand men who won't share the load.

I thought you were asking her why she didn’t and I was wondering why she should

This!!

You’re complaining about something only you can change. Stop doing 90%’

This is the way. I can easily survive off beans on toast for a while. If he doesnt cook just make yourself a snack and leave him to it

I'll do the kids tea tonight - what are they having?!!

Well she's not but her husband seems to think she is.

Why is it on her to call him to make dinner? Why is she the assumed responsible for dinner?

But why doesn't he do his fair share? Or does he do other chores instead?

If you want him to do half the cooking, take it in turns, or alternate weeks where you each meal plan/cook

How about him not showing his "wife and the kids some thought and care around meal prep and planning" - is that petty too?

It's always this story. Men want their contribution to the relationship to be their wallet, the odd bit of DIY and in return they get their very own domestic appliance in female form.