He’ll never get it will he?

I think the issue with some of this is not simply worry about how you appear.

I don’t but gifts for partner’s families but then I have never had a partner whose family was into general gift giving. However if my in-laws always brought me a gift I would feel really impolite refusing to get them one in return if my husband also refused.

And sometimes it comes down to personal comfort. A former colleague refused to pick up after her husband expecting he would eventually stop leaving his shit everywhere. He did not and she broke as she could not bear his clothes lying around everywhere / dirty crockery lying around etc.

Ditto cooking as he will just revert to takeaways. Whoever has the lower mess tolerance, lower tolerance for poor eating will crack first.

Single here too. Sometimes I would prefer not to be but I also do not want to increase my domestic load which most relationships seem to do.

Why doesn't he cook? We do it 50/50 and my partner used to be a chef!

When my dh didn’t come on board as a partner I stepped massively back. I stopped shopping. So he was doing the shop and he would come back and not tell me what he hadn’t got. I would get to Tuesday preparing dinner and realise I didn’t have the main ingredient and another couple. I talked and talked to him but it didn’t change and I didn’t feel like checking his shop off a list as it came in like a prison warden, so I stopped meal planning and mostly stopped cooking. Now he meal plans, does most shops and overall does a very fair amount of all the daily tasks 😊

Selfish, lazy git. Fancy losing his rag over a what if suggestion. He needs to do the shopping from now on at least. I do the majority of cooking, but it's something I enjoy. Hubby gets the groceries and I might do a top up but the main shop is my husbands responsibility He's taking you for granted. The bloody cheek of him. He's p#ssed me off and I don't even know him or I hope I don't.

I find cooking is quicker and more pleasant when done together. I am doing chopping and cleaning whilst DH is at the cooker. He’s rubbish at cleaning up and I dislike cooking. So this way we get a meal on the table and a clean kitchen. And the meal is planned by hello fresh so neither of us have to do that. Might that work for you?

I know, I don’t even cook for my husband at Christmas but I still love him!

Just because I don’t cook daily for him doesn’t mean I can’t stand him.

What a strange leap.

Is he good at other stuff around the house? I would say I do 90% of the cooking and meal planning but my husband will always do the weekly shop (with my list!) and he is also much better at me than putting the washing on/cleaning and just being generally more organised! So I can’t really complain and accept we both do our fair share. It’s when you are doing everything it’s not fair.

What I’d like to know is, what would be his first choice to spend a lot of money on?

I don’t mind admitting that my dh has never really cooked, largely because he always worked a lot longer hours than I did, so I never expected him to start cooking when he came home at 7pm. And for many years when we were living abroad he only had one day off a week, which was usually spent on the beach/on our boat.
Since he retired he invariably clears up the kitchen (properly!) though, which suits me just fine.
Plus he’s an utterly unfussy eater, and is always appreciative of whatever he’s given.

I get it - I was in a similar position to you and would also got similar answers when I expressed my dissatisfaction about the inequalities and the fact that he felt that he was the only person entitled to a rest at weekends. When my now ex got made redundant I stopped doing everything & made him do it; he felt very aggrieved - funny how he thought it was OK for me to do everything even though I still worked after having the children (part time, starting at half week & gradually increased my hrs as they got older). Working 30 hrs is the equivalent of working 4 days - by the time you do everything at home, you’re effectively working longer hours than him! A set up like that isn’t a good example to children either. I stayed (even though I was very unhappy for other reasons too) for many years, for several reasons which I won’t go into. However suffice to say that I’m now thoroughly enjoying my freedom (the children are at uni, so I live on my own). I have no interest of finding another man (once bitten twice shy) - better being on your own than in an unhappy marriage. We have now been separated 2.5yrs (I was working 30hrs too when we separated) and we’re in the process of getting divorced.

I hope the conversation you had with your H has woken you up to how you’re being taken for granted and your work isn’t appreciated. It’s up to you to stop enabling him (though I understand why you haven’t before). You could make him do the meal planning, shopping and cooking (without resorting to takeaways or ready meals or foods that are ready to go in the oven), at least at weekends. Alternatively just cook & do laundry for yourself and the children.

I did the bulk of housework, cooking etc while the DCs were growing up which, as DH worked long hours building a business, I felt was fair. DH would cook Christmas lunch & often would do a roast at weekends as well as making DC's lunches while I was getting them ready for school.

DH retired about 8 years ago, I still work 3 days a week, & since then he's taken over-does 95% of cooking & most of the housework.

As PP have said, if you're not happy, discuss with DH about him taking over his fair share of cooking, menu planning etc,

I can only speak for myself, but I'm fond of my inlaws and they're good to me. I want them to get nice gifts and for their occasions to be remembered. DH would do the bare minimum/nothing.

When I had the kids DH worked away and I was SAHM/PT so I did all the cleaning, gardening etc and he might cook one meal when he was home, and did a bit of DIY when necessary.
Fast forward to us in our 50/60’s (he’s retired) and all he does is cook a couple of nights a week and mow the lawn in summer, he doesn’t even DIY any more. I was never able to get him to start doing 50% because if I brought it up it would cause a bad atmosphere.
So my warning to younger women, get 50:50 from the off, don’t accept anything less.

ETA if I’m doing the washing and there’s too much for a load, I leave his in the basket so he runs out and has to wash his when I’m working!

Ha I totally get this. My ExDH and I paid most of our salaries into a joint account for foo, bills, holidays, kids etc. We were left with an equal monthly amount in our own accounts to spend on what we wanted. I was desperate for a cleaner. We had two young DC. Both worked full time. And I did 90% of everything. He said he didn’t agree we needed a cleaner! It shouldn’t be a joint expense as he didn’t want one. Therefore I should have to pay for it myself from my monthly allowance.

Yes, YOU don’t want a cleaner because muggins does all the cleaning (and washing and food shopping and pretty much everything really…..) so it doesn’t affect you in any way. Of course you don’t want to PAY for a cleaner when this idiot does it all for free!

WE paid for a cleaner.

I left a few years later

So you think the answer to the inequity in your marriage is to come on here and moan about your husband.

it isn't about him "not getting it" it's about you enabling the precedent to be set.

your voting options are wrong. It isn't "it's marriage get over it" it's YABU for allowing your DH to do so little in the marriage and get away with it,

Same! I haven’t washed my husband’s clothes for about 12 years. He leaves his stuff everywhere. I once started just putting them in a bin liner. I hid it. He was like “J I have no clean boxers or socks” I asked if he’d washed any? He was like well no. ????? There is no magic fairy!!

When I have been questioned by some friends I pointed out that he has never washed my clothes so why exactly should I wash his?

A year ago I dropped from management role to over night team leader (just 2 nights a week) so I could be home with our daughter. He said, “ooo does this mean you’ll wash my clothes now” 😂😂😂 I said nothing household wise will change since I already do the majority. If you see something needs cleaning then clean it.

I think I'd hate being with someone like OP's dh. The marriage sounds so depressing.

Women talk about men not getting it but as you yourself admitted you have taken on the thought load for him so what do you expect?

He wants to lose weight let him do it his way

Same when people complain they buy all the inlaws presents, cards, orgaise events etc ''oh no I cant stop beacuse they will think I am terrible'' so what?

JUST DONT DO IT why is it so hard to understand

if a woman does everything then does nothing about it you only have yourself to blame

Sorry to say. It’s your own fault as you have enabled this by doing everything for years. Sorry mate, but many of us work as many hours as you, and we can’t all just say that we can’t take anymore on as we are too tired after work etc. If you did end the relationship, who would do it then? I know your options were tongue in cheek, but I couldn’t live with a man who just expected me to do all the house work, and no doubt child rearing. He can pay for a cleaner if he’s not prepared to help keep his own home clean and wash his own clothes.

Sounds like he is hiring a chef when he doesn't want to do it

@Beforeorafterchristmas You absolutely must stop cooking for him and doing all the chores so that he realises how much you do. I would say stop cooking at all, but you clearly can't rely on him to cater for your children in a healthy way.

My ex did this. If I didnt cook, cooking didnt happen unless one of the kids shamed him into it. DD1 was especially good at this because at 12, she could cook better than he could.

Then we split (other reasons, although looking back, that would have been good enough) and he just lived/lives on takeaways. Guess who is fit and well with no major issues, and who has T2 diabetes, is massively overweight and is on the verge of toe (and possibly foot) amputation?

Cook for you and the kids, let him eat his takeaways. You know the saying "you dont know what it's got 'til its gone"? Take it away (pun intentional). Take away all the invisible labour (including washing etc) and he will soon see it.

He will spend a fair amount of time calling you selfish and petty and spiteful, but stick with it.

Another thing, I always say don’t have kids with someone you’d not think is capable of parenting themselves. Whether it’s divorce, death or just going on holiday with friends
there could come a time where your Husband has to look after your kids without you there .

So many women act like they’ll definitely always be around to clean up after their man-child and pick up the slack with the kids, but really we don’t know what the future holds.

How are these men possibly going to cope if they ever have to have the kids by themselves?

Let this be a wake up call.
From now on take it in turns to shop, cook and clear away meals, a week at a time. Adjust other domestic tasks to make it fair, if necessary. Get the kids to help if they are old enough.