Sister childcare and pregnant again

If you came to us saying your parents look after your sisters kids every week but always say no to you I’d have sympathy for you. But I don’t, you do come across judgemental sorry.

I GET worrying about your parents because you love them and want their to enjoy their retirement but you are coming across very resentful and judgemental. Your parents are adults and seem very capable to make their own mind up. My DM has my son 3 days a week (although he is in nursery every morning) and she absolutely loves it. Your parents may feel similar.

It would be a different situation if you asked your parents for one off childcare and they said no to you but constantly said yes to your sister.

YABU

Your parents can say no to your sister if they want to.

You could have asked if you wanted childcare help from your parents.

Have your parents expressed any issue with helping your sister or is this all your own feelings?

Bit odd to be this annoyed about something that isn't impacting you directly.

For what it's worth I am on your sisters side, grandparents should help if able. I can't wait to help my own children if they choose to have kids one day.

as soon as they do they are emotionally blackmailed and restricted access to grandchildren

Well yes, I have seen examples of this, but it's not the given that you have written here. It's a possibility if their offspring are particularly entitled.

But my point was that MN is split on grandparents' obligations. The pp said MN thinks they are there just for childcare, which isn't true. It's always split.

I have learnt that we cannot save our parents or elder relatives from their adult children.

it’s on them to say no and stop enabling the behaviour. I won’t hear of it now, I’m tired of giving advice or trying to hint to
siblings to go ease off on the demands.

they are adults who are fully cognisant of the things they are agreeing to. If they want to continue being muggins. Leave them to it.

all that happens is you become the bad guy and accused of meddling.

My sister does a lot of childcare for her grandchildren and had to set some boundaries as it was getting to be too much.

I think your DS's rules are ridiculous as she is getting free childcare-and doing things like going to the shops etc are good for children to experience and would take some pressure off of your parents.
But unless they are willing to say then she will carry on.

My sister was very aware that watching some of one of her grandchildren ended up being a barrier to watching the others and did create a rift/resentment from other son and wife.

Your sister won't stop-why should she as everything is going her way!

Have you tried telling your parents that you're reluctant to ask them? They might be happy to spend more time with your kids on occasion and to help you out. You would not be unreasonable and they would probably understand and appreciate your reluctance to have asked.

There's no point just being a silent martyr when you could have a conversation with your parents.

I don't think its as easy as grandparents saying no as soon as they do they are emotionally blackmailed and restricted access to grandchildren. How many times do we see on here my parents don't bother with my children which translates to my parents won't be full time childcare for me.

It's about time your parents stopped allowing themselves to be used.

This has got nothing to do with you OP. If your parents aren't happy they can retract their 2 days a week. You sound bitter that you didn't get free childcare, which I understand, but it is not for you to be furious about.

Yabu - This is none of your business. This is your parents problem. Don’t not ask because your sister takes the piss you are entitled to have help if needed too.

You're right about the grandparents needing to say no, but I've seen loads of these threads and "MN" seems to be split on whether grandparents "should" or "shouldn't" look after their grandchildren.

Sounds like a mixture of envy and frustration.
Ultimately its on your parents to set their own boundaries, nothing you can do.

Do this 🤣🤣

Kindly - it's none of your business. Your parents could and can say no to either you or your sister. If you want/ wanted help you should have asked. I agree that you are aiming your anger at the wrong person.

You're aiming your resentment at the wrong person. Have you had a conversation with your parents about this? About how you'd like a bit of support and can they carve out say a few time times a year for it? As others say, it's up to your parents how much they babysit for your sibling and you can't change them, or manage their life for them.

And I think you need to dig into why you can't ask your parents for help if you feel you can't, do you feel second best, would they say no to you but not to your sibling? It's a very common but sad family dynamic for there to be favourites, and different rules for different kids (ie you asking is unreasonable but sibling asking for the same is fine). Leads to you thinking well I'm being nice for not asking, and they're taking the mickey. How much do the grandparents see or have a relationship with your kids otherwise? Does it feel uneven and you're upset about that as well? Definitely worth doing some thinking.

Yes, on one hand it's up to them, not OP, but sometimes grandparents are terrified reading about all the "going no contact" threats they see, and might fear never getting to see their grandkids if they don't do exactly what they're told! I would never have dreamed about dictating rules to family babysitting for free-why shouldn't they shop with the kids? It's not a nursery, and even childminders do this.

I think you should quietly tell your mum how you’re feeling and maybe support her to rein in the support if she wants to. Maybe she needs to talk about it with someone too? It might make you feel better to get it off your chest.

I wonder if your sister even let them know she was trying for a third child?! It’s just so entitled to expect all this from her parents and in-laws, she and her partner sound awful tbh.

Talk to your parents about how you feel like you can’t ask for any help as they do so much for her and then talk about being tired and stressed over it. Just talk to them, how you’d love a date night or some help and you’re scared to ask.

Typical Mumsnet, you are obviously resentful and jealous and an awful sister/daughter/person. Of course it’s okay to feel annoyed and upset but really that’s a conversation to have with your folks. I would feel annoyed in this situation too, it doesn’t mean you are an awful person. Ignore the haters.

You can ask them to babysit and they can say yes or no.

Resenting you sister won't change the situation one bit.

This.
You are imposing limits on childcare/babysitting, not your parents. They are probably disappointed that you never ask them to spend time with their GC on your side of the family. Do your ask your PIL?