Sister childcare and pregnant again

I think this is quite patronising towards your parents tbh. They are adults with capacity and agency.

Your decision and determination not to ask for the favours you would like or need and then holding a grudge against your sister for it is pretty unfair.

I come from a family where we all help each other out where we can and I know lots like this too. My mum just says bo when she has other plans or is going to be away or feels tired etc. I trust her and allow her to be as involved as she wants to be and she loves being needed and helping us out. Many many people want to be involved and help. I am looking forward to being a grandparent and being able to support my dc with their children (if they ask and let me). Maybe your parents wish you would ask them and feel worried that you don't trust them or think them capable carers.

It feels a bit like none of your family members can win here.

How old are your parents? Things can change extremely quickly with older people, they might well suddenly find they are simply not up to it anymore. Your sister does not (I assume) have it written in blood that your parents will continue this arrangement until her third kid starts school, so she's taking a gamble here. A lot can change in 5 years when you are already aged 65 or however old.

At the end of the day you promote what you permit. If you parents don't want to do it then they need to say something. Have they given you any indication they don't want to do it?

But yeah it's annoying AF when a relative is getting tens of thousands of pounds of free childcare which you are not. I know exactly how you feel but unfortunately there's really nothing you can do about it apart from fall out with everyone which would achieve nothing.

YANBU I’ve seen this with my grandparents and then my MIL and FIL.
However they have a choice to say no. They are grown adults. And yes I do ask my MIL to look after my kid around….once a month if needed and say to my SIL and MIL that I hardly ask and tbh my kid is no bother!

my SIL is onto her 2nd kid and my MIL has been going 3 times per week to take my nephew to school……the grandparents are a 10min drive away and the school is in the same street as my sister in law.

its frigging madness! Each to their own, they are grown adults but if we need the odd day or night I will ask.

Realistically, if your children were there also, they would not be asking for the TV or sugary snacks. They would soon learn the rules and customs of the other household. It could be easier for your parents due to the kids playing together.

@londonbananarama

I had a similar situation but mine were the younger ones. We were late to the party though no fault of our own and childcare speared to have been already allocated. Then like you felt I couldn’t ask or thoughtful of their age and that they maybe tired/wanted some time to there own.

What happened was the more I backed off the more was taken by sibling in childcare. After yrs of resentment and a few rows I realised things would never be fair and there would never be a No. We now ask when we need it and feel no guilt if we get a yes and they overload themselves. resentment and rows have decreased and we all moved on.

its hard but i suggest you do the same or live with the resentment but I found that negatively affected my relationship with my parents for something that wasn’t my fault.

I think they sound lovely but also
a bit of a push over :)

I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling my
parents not to go to the shops etc while looking after my kids let alone the other rules. Are you kidding me?’ Why is your mum accepting this. They’re not paid childcare! That’s a complete cheek. I would have spoken to my mum about that.

I would ask them to babysit. It’s not your problem your sister has monopolised them

You can't see your parents on the 6 nights or 5 full days they don't have your sisters kids?

You are being petty as hell IMO. If your parents didn't want to do it or felt they couldn't then they are grown ups who should say so.

I'd have a little chat with your parents to see what they think/feel. Are they worried about the extra child in the mix or are they loving it? Looking after 3 is harder work than 2 and they're getting older.

I'd shake off the guilt around you asking them for help with babysitting. Your older children are probably easier to look after and they'd probably enjoy spending time with them while you do something.

I saw someone else suggested asking (with all present) what your sister plans to do about childcare and I think it does need airing.

I also think a chat with your parents about how you're feeling is important. I completely understand why you'd feel it's unfair that you spent so much money on childcare and that finances came into your decisions about how many children you had.

My mum was still working when my children were young but shifts so she offered to have them 1 day a week, my MIL also had them 1 day a week. It was up to my to sort and pay for any childcare beyond that. This felt fair and I was never prescriptive about what they could do with their days - that's their life, their choice, and they've brought up their own children, they know what they're doing. It's a privilege to have had them so involved in my children's lives

This. It's quite possible that they would be genuinely delighted to have your 2 for the occasional sleepover or day. They might even be a bit offended that you never ask.

It's very British of us I know, but honestly we get nowhere trying to double or triple guess what everyone else is thinking. We are wrong on that way more often than we think.

I get why you're jealous she is having a another baby though. It's ok, you are allowed to feel like this. But you get through it by acknowledging it and processing it, not constructing cogent arguments about free childcare, however rational or correct. It's a head vs heart thing.

But that’s for your sister and her husband to sort and if the parents are happy to help and everyone’s happy then who cares. I know I sound blunt but it’s nothing to do with you.

If your parents or his parents (again, why are you so worried about what HIS parents do for childcare or not) didn’t want to do it they can say no and your sister and her husband would have to sort childcare elsewhere

So you're judging your sister by your standards??

I get it OP I really do, my mum runs round my brothers and their families like no ones business, me, nothing, not a jot! She says well you're so independent, you don't need me, I don't worry about you!

I have just had to learn, that I am not going to change her, she wants to do it well that is her perogative!

Nah, YABU. You have zero input on what your parents do or dont do for your sisters children.

No one is forcing them to do anything and just because you have made up your own moral code regarding your own childcare doesnt mean your sister has to follow suit.

Big girl pants and ask parents to help you out or keep quiet about it when sister comes along with child number 3 and takes up even more of their time.

@londonbananarama Do your parents actually want to say no to this or are they happy with their choice and you are just judging for no reason?

I also have two sets of willing and able grandparents helping out at every opportunity. It is great, MIL practically begged me to not put the children in nursery 4 days a week when their funded hours came in as she likes having them so much!

I don't understand why some families don't like helping each other out - my mum had a similar arrangement with my grandma, and now (on top of working ft, the children and having my own life) I GLADLY do her shopping and clean her house once a week, plus stopping by for a cuppa just for a chat.

Families help each other, isn't that kind of the point?

*caveat - I am not including situations where it can't work, like distance, employment, health etc. bugger off with your "what-abouts" it isn't helpful.

It’s down to your parents to enforce boundaries, not you. If they’ve never said they don’t want to do it, why would your sister assume that? She sounds like a bit of a nightmare but if your parents keep doing all this childcare then how will she know they don’t want to do it?

Also just because you didn’t see it as their job and don’t use them for childcare doesn’t mean she can’t. At some point she asked and they agreed.

Your parents will have a holiday from childcare while your your sister is on Maternity Leave... though society pays the cost of Mat. Leave indirectly so your sister is still leaning on the good will of tax payers.

I see your argument about more children meaning more resources (in your case, your parents' time) used to care for the new family member. Your parents must be happy offering two days of their time. It is their time to give.
It is pretty standard (best practice) that young children have no screens and no sugar. And an adult being present with a two year old is also reasonable.

Ideas that might help you..

Ask your sister to baby sit for you one night per fortnight for a date night or to go to the gym.
Invite your parents to join you for a weekend away to the restful local destination of your home.
Consider if working in with your sister for after school care would help you both. Do your children attend the same school as her child?
Contact your local member of Parliament to ask them to lobby for a two child policy - or one child replacement policy per adult. Schools and healthcare cost the tax payer a lot.

Did you want a third child?
Does your DH's family help you out at all with childcare?

Maybe your sister will pay back in kind and attend to your parents' needs later in their old age.

I’m not sure what the problem is here really. Your parents are adults, your sister is an adult, they are both clearly happy with things the way they are.

If your parents are so willing to help your sister so much, why are they not offering any help at all to you? Do they favour her? They don't offer at all for you to go out with your husband?

Not your circus, not your monkeys, presumably your parents have capacity and can make their own decisions?