Sister childcare and pregnant again

YABU, it’s none of your business. If your parents have a problem with excessive babysitting then it’s entirely up to them to deal with it.

You’re just seething and resentful you haven’t received the same level of help - even though you never asked for it. Don’t ask, don’t get. You don’t win any prizes for doing everything yourself.

You are being very unreasonable for criticising your sister’s parenting choices re screen time and diet. It’s her choice, and it’s good that she cares. Again it’s up to your parents to say no if they can’t cope with babysitting with those requirements.

@londonbananarama , your situation sounds like mine was. My parents did no childcare for my DC but more or less brought up my sibling's DC.

Mum would complain to me and I'd ask my sister to not demand so much of her, but all I got was both of them telling me off.

Stay out of it.

They are retired so they have a lot of free time.

Maybe they like spending time with their grandchildren? When I have grandchildren I will 100% volunteer to look after them. What is the point of retiring and spending all your time crocheting or manicuring your lawn if you can spend time with your family. Time with your grandkids is a gift, not everyone can enjoy it. My family lives in another country and they miss my son so much. I 100% would be using them for childcare if they were closer, now I can have a date night with my husband like 4 times a year because there is nobody else to help us.

It’s not like they’re looking after them 9am-6pm 5 days a week, if they agreed to this arrangement then there is nothing wrong with it.

You didn’t even ask them if they would look after your children. You could only be annoyed if they said no to you but yes to your sister, but the thing is you didn’t even ask.

If you want help, just ask. If they feel like it’s too much, they can reduce the babysitting they provide to your sister. She will be on maternity leave soon so can look after her own kids, this is a good opportunity to ask for your parents to help with your children too. If you don’t ask, you can’t be resentful. They are grown adults and can do what they want with their time

I can't see much wrong with it tbh. Your sister and BIL are fortunate to have 2 sets of grandparents helping out, regularly but in fairness not a huge amount when you look at it. I think you are right that you need to look at your own feelings of jealousy and whatever else is going on for you. Your children are 8 and 12, from what you have said about how much childcare they provide for your sister, there is plenty of time/space for them to watch your two much older children at the same time. How much work does babysitting a 12 year old involve? Not much. It sounds as though you are using this as an excuse to berate your sister, but I suspect there is more going on here? Why did you never asked your parents to babysit, even just once, in the six years before your sister had children?

Being a martyr doesnt benefit anyone! I'd of called them all out on it and flat out asked if they could babysit my kids if needed.

Do you speak to your parents about it? Maybe see how they feel about it and give them some advice to deal with it if they're unhappy with the situation? If they say they're ok with it though that's their choice. An extra child will be an awful lot of work for them

If you believe that your parents are 100% "present" and not cracking on with chores as they would have when you were young then you are as naive as your sister.

YANBU. You are considerate to your parents’ ages and other commitments and your sister sounds selfish and self centred.
As you see your parents twice a week maybe they can have your two for a sleepover to sync in with those visits, maybe Saturday night at theirs and then they come over for Sunday lunch?
I have older and younger grandchildren and the older ones are fairly easy to manage overnight, maybe an easy tea and movie night.
Can they stay at yours overnight so you can go out and your 12 year old
can do their own thing at home?

A number of people have grandparents offering babysitting or childcare.
If your parents don’t want to do it that’s a conversation they need to have.
2 days childcare and one evening wouldn’t be outlandish for all families.
It’s your own issue if you feel you can’t speak to your mother and ask her to babysit.

As others have said it is your parents choice. You are trying to be nice by not asking them but you should and see what they say. If they say oh we are too tired with the other kids then that is the point where you can address it.

Op i think you should talk to your parents about some help for you. Don't mention your sister. If youre in a spot and need child care why wouldn't they step in? If they say no.. then by all means mention the lack of balance towards help with your kids. Im just thinking of my own experiences, my mum had two of us at one point needing child care (whilst we worked in the holidays ) and she use to have all 4 grand kids when she could and would say no when she couldn't, we in turn always understood a no and it wasnt a case of her helping one daughter more then another it was just circumstances at the moment in time or who genuinely needed her more. Im sure it will be the same for you, if you talk to them. Good luck.

You’re a better person than me if you can do that. The thing that hurt the most was although I never doubted that love was equal my children noticed that the other cousins who they love were a Nana’s more. Even though your are older they will notice.

I would just ask for the support you needed not tit for tit just genuinely what would help and benefit you and your children and let the other adults decide what they will and won’t do. I be prepared for your sister thinking it’s not fair though!

Best of luck op x

(sorry meant to quote the live and let live quote)

Anyway, I am perhaps slightly resentful as I’ve paid for childcare for 12 years

I'd say you're enormously resentful, but that's not necessarily unjustified.

Have you spoken to your parents about this? How your sister expects so much childcare that you don't even feel able to ask for one off babysitting. Do they know you don't ask as you don't want to burden them further?

In hunter gatherer days there used to be 10-15 caregivers for every child, and load was shared around, so I think yes it's quite normal to need 4 people's help. In nursery you'd technically be getting more help than this depending on how many people in the room (obviously with more kids also though). I think it's also great for the kids to be getting so much quality time with both sets of grandparents where they can get focussed attention with people who love them. They're very lucky and it's nice.

I think how you can live and let live, is start asking your parents for what you want and taking their answer at face value. That should help you feel less resentment. It's not up to you to manage their time or emotions. If they start saying no to you because they help your sibling too much, then by all means feel resentment and have a conversation with them about equalling the load! You don't know until you ask, don't hold it all inside.

Also I know maybe everyone says it's the answer to everything, but maybe some therapy or reading some relevant books? I think if you dig deeper to understand why you feel the need to self sacrifice, but then feel resentment at someone else getting what you want, is worthwhile.

They don't necessarily "need" though, they are using what is currently available to them. If they need or want to do things differently in future then they will find another way. Findingf the money for childcare, going down to one salary, something else. People muddle through all sorts.

She has said herself that her parents would give any help she asked for. She has chosen not to ask.

A friend of mine did free, full time childcare for her daughter (and the odd weekends and holidays) and when the youngest was starting school her DD told her she was thinking about having another baby. Friend told her she would have to explore childcare options for any subsequent babies as she was getting older and was looking forward to having time in the day when the youngest went to school. Strangely there wasn't a third child.

OP, your sister is having a 3rd child because of how much she uses your parents.

You are very very silly not to tell your parents how you feel about it.

Be honest that you never ask because they do so much for them.

Your sister is selfish pure and simple.
She doesn't care a dhit for your parents, they are free childcare.

Your parents are equally at fault.
It is very poor of them not to recognise hos lopsided this is.
But until you spell it out, it allows them to indulge her.

I have seen this first hard with my neighbour, looking after her sons 4 children for 4 years.
They had 4 children because of free childcare. His 3 sisters never got a look in.
It absolutely impacted the other relationships negatively.
Speak up and be clear or the resentment will sour things.

I have friends who were very clear when the first grandchild arrived that they would never be available for regular childcare as she needs to be available for all her children, not just those with children.
Wise women.

I should think it annoys her more that her sister isn't grateful for it and it means she doesn't get any help herself.

If they are fit, well, healthy and willing then 69 is no age.

I think the planned state pension age is 68 isn't it? So many of us will still be grafting in paid employment then. Being able to be free enough to car for dgc may be a fantasy for us.

Well in the absence of paid childcare.

I had childminder, nursery staff, preschool staff, dog walker, cleaner etc at points, so a lot more than 4 people. The difference being I paid for them.

Anyone who has children and goes out to work etc has to have help as children can't be left alone. Your sister is lucky enough to have this help from extended family members.

Needing the help isn't remotely hard to understand. It annoys you that she doesn't have to pay for it.

Yes, children need childcare whilst their parents are at work, that is normal. Your parents I assume offered to do the 2 days per week? Not sure why you are bringing her in-laws into it, that does not impact you in anyway. It sounds as if you are resentful that your sister is getting help that you didn't, which is fine, but you need to own it.

I'd feel annoyed too. I bet your sister thinks she's an amazing mother, managing the two she's got so successfully with limited help (she probably doesn't acknowledge the amount your parents do - people like her never do) so why wouldn't she have a third?

Not sure there's much you can do, though. Family dynamics are often lop-sided and unfair (it's the same in my family, I have one massively entitled sister and the rest of us just have to get on with it.)

Adopt from overseas? Were there not enough kids in the local area who needed homes? And what about their own kids? That's utterly mad, and selfish, yes.

@londonbananarama Have your parents said they don't like doing the childcare for your sister?

If they haven't and they are happy then you don't actually have anything to be bothered about, just your own projections.