Sister childcare and pregnant again

@londonbananarama

Really don’t want to come across over invested here but I really did feel like you do. I just set myself free of it. The clearest think is I came to realise that I would not swap my life,choices and values for my sisters in a million years. I love her and adore her children but love my little set up.

I wasted years letting it get to me before one event made me realise I was in control of me. I could have gone low contact but that would have hurt all the kids so I just did me. Book a weekend away ask you folks to have your children and enjoy!

You are so close to moving into a different stage of parenting with a 12 & 8 year old. Days out, weekends must already feel so different to herding your sister's 6,2 and baby around.

Look forward, embrace more ambitious things, less tantrums, more easy going schedules.

You are already nearly at the 'pop to the post box' stage
Suddenly, arranging baby sitters will feel ridiculous.

DH's siblings swallowed up all the baby sitting, all the resources, all the best bits so I figure since they are on hand and know the GPs so well, they can take charge of the aging and the reversal of care.
Be sure to establish a busy life before you get roped in.

I saved up like mad to take my son to Florida, she paid for my niece to go as she wanted them to have a holiday together.

Yes it was great, we had a lovely time together, but she never made a contribution to my sons flight or spending money!

Your parents can say no. Also you can ask your parents for childcare help. If they say they can't to you then you can point out the unfairness because they're helping your sister out so much but won't help you.

But as it stand I don't think there's anything wrong with your sister asking for childcare help and your parents agreeing to it. It's up to them.

Is it because your sister is the golden child?

Not really your problem.

If you parents have an issue, they need to use their words and tell your sister themselves.

The village used to mean everyone looking out for children and making sure they were ok including the local bobby telling them off. People dont feel they can tell a child off for running round a coffee shop now without risking abuse from parents.
But the twenty twentys village just means free childcare

This could have been me when mine were little!
oh you don’t need me, your so capable and independent
sisters children don’t have as nice a life as mine, so they need lovely outings etc, mine didn’t
and on and on

hard not to feel hurt and resentful

Do you think your sister might stop working for a little while with three children?

Just thinking it might solve the problem almost entirely. Quite apart from the childcare cost, I just felt that I couldn't divide my attention between three kids and work. So stopped at two, as having three would mean a major and unaffordable lifestyle change.

Well im sure the OPs sister will return the favour in their old age along with all the other parents doing this and im equally sure these parents wont point at their child free relative instead and say they can do the elderly care as they have no kids.

I don't think it is normal to be jealous to be honest. I'm not jealous of my husband's siblings or my sibling, he's made different life choices to me but I've made the ones that make me happy. You wanted to have your kids when your parents still worked and couldn't provide childcare, in hindsight would you have waited to have them until your parents retired and had 10 less years of them? I doubt it.

I think the crux of this is "gets her own way". You say it's not her fault but it's clear you judge and resent her choices. There must be something in the way you've grown up to think she always gets her own way, and you do not, and hence you self sacrifice. I really encourage you to dig in and think about this. My husband had the same dynamic and he realised he had not been supported in the same way as siblings, so he became the "independent" one and was very proud of being so independent and not asking for help. Underneath really it's because he knew he wouldn't get the support, and it's caused him anxiety issues later. My MIL gives way more time and energy to another sibling's kids, but we don't blame the sibling it's not their fault. We're happy for their kids, sad for ours, but it's the mum's behaviour and choice here.

I'm not saying it's exactly the same for you, because you say your parents would say yes if you asked, but are you the older sibling and so there were different expectations on you? Or something else? You need to find out what the reason is. You're saying you could have this if you wanted, but won't ask, but your sister asked and got it, and now you resent that. I don't understand it.

Stop being such a martyr, if you want them to babysit just ask, they don’t need you overlaying your unfounded worries. They are adults, stop treating them like children.

As for your sister, it takes a village to raise a child, why not get everyone involved?

this

Watch and wait for things to go wrong when your parents became too ill to continue……..in the meantime, keep quiet, not your problem.

This is absolutely wild projection. Nothing you've said suggests Dsis assumes this childcare arrangement will hold until the youngest no longer needs care. Asking for help now doesn't mean she won't be able to sort a childminder out at any point in the next decade should it be needed.

Do you want another child yourself?

I chose YABU just because you’re making a lot of assumptions about your parents when they’re adults with agency.

This comment again though, you’re again making assumptions of how they want or should want to spend their retirement. You’re also assuming you can’t ask them to babysit without even asking them.

I would actually be worried about my parents if I were you. They may feel they've become trapped in a cycle of childcare they no longer want to do but feel they can't say no, and now there's going to be a baby added to the mix. In fact, I would actually use your sister's pregnancy to strike up a conversation about it - I'd comment that it will be nice for them to have a break and take up some retirement hobbies when sister is off on maternity, because their childcare duties surely won't be required at the current level. You'll be able to gauge from their responses what your sister's expectations are going forward and open a dialogue about it.

And there is the crux of the issue!

Maybe she doesn't sail through life, she doesn't air her problems and just cracks on!

Someone said to me the other day, I looked like the sort of person who has my shit together, if only they knew haha, I am a borderline alcoholic that takes far too many pain killers for a none existent back injury!

But why don’t you ask for help? Instead of burying your head in the sand like a ball of resentment x

you are projecting your feelings onto your parents tho?

So ask them if they can babysit. They may say yes. All is fine.

They may say "soz, no, too tired" in which case you might like to approach them doing less other childcare.

My sil has a similar set up. We rarely asked partly because we felt like we were putting on them. I did use to feel jealous/resentful although I wouldn’t want the in each others pocket relationship they have. But eventually i realised I was only making myself unhappy. My ils are grown adult they can choose to look after their grandchildren as they please. And if we want childcare we need to ask and they can say yes or no.
One thing that stands out is you seem to compare your sister to yourself and find her lacking. Has that been a pattern in your life? Why do you think you do that?