Sister childcare and pregnant again

She doesn’t want to control anything but she has a right to be annoyed.

If I were you OP, I would gently raise it in conversation with your parents that you’ve felt unable to ask for help since their retirement as you feel it would be detrimental to their down time, they seem like lovely overly giving parents who I’m sure may then want to reset the balance. An easy fix would be no childcare for the midweek gym sessions for DS and DSIL, in favour of spending 1 on 1 time with their other DGC (which they actually haven’t had!).

There is no argument back to this surely, they can go to the gym separately and manage childcare between themselves like you and every one else does given they have so much help already…

OP, I hear you! And I raise you a 4th child! My DB has 4 children between 16 and 5 years old. My DM has looked after all of them on SIL’s non working days (2-3 days per week, depending on age of youngest at the time) and ALL of the school holidays since eldest was a baby. DP feel they have to ask DB/SIL before booking holidays! It’s bonkers! Like your DS, DB isn’t particularly nice to DP. Treats them more like staff.

I live 4 hours away from DP/DB so it was never an option for me (lucky for DB 😆) Like you, I now feel huge guilt for ever asking for the odd over night for a wedding or similar.

When they come here to visit, DM always says how nice it is to relax and be looked after. I have to bite my tongue because it’s so frustrating that they don’t pull up their big girl and boy pants and say it’s too much.

Nothing you can do unless your parents put the end of it sadly. I feel for you though.

I absolutely agree with you and I'd be furious with my sister for behaving like that. She's totally taking your parents for granted. I'd also be resentful that your sister has a complete.monopily on your parents' time, meaning you feel you can't ask for occasional help.

I would have an honest conversation with your parents about this, see if you can find out how they really feel about doing so much childcare for your sister, but also pointing out that you would really appreciate the odd day or evening too.

Yes but it's still what her parents are choosing to do.

The OP cannot control that or them.

I’d feel resentful too in your situation, OP — rightly or wrongly. You’ve made ‘sensible’ choices that involve thinking about what’s ‘acceptable’ to ask of others; your sister hasn’t been as considerate and has more (children; support) as a result. That’s not fair! I wonder if you’re someone who thinks fairness is important in life generally? I definitely am, which is why I’d be resentful in your situation. However, as my dad used to say, life isn’t fair (sadly!), and I think sometimes the people who have made their peace with that are happier as a result — either because they accept things as they are or because (like your sister) they’re not afraid to ask for things even if it comes at a cost to other people!

This. You've chosen your moral code. It doesn't match your sister's. But neither of you are wrong.

Yeah, your sister's inflexible edicts are the thing I'd find exasperating. There's not enough eye rolls.

I couldn’t treat my parents like that; your sister sounds utterly entitled and controlling. It sounds like your parents have been guilt tripped into a situation which isn’t how they’d choose to be spending so much of their well deserved retirement. But at the end of the day, they are adults and they’re making their own choice. I would just focus on your family and be thankful your children aren’t being brought up in such a controlling and inflexible way. And tbh I don’t think spending so much of their time with elderly people is going to give them the opportunities you have yours with proper childcare

This isn’t a random stranger

it’s someone on the family who ability to benefit from and enjoy extended family life are being impacted by the choices of others in the fanily

My sister behaves in a similar way towards my parents. However, frankly I feel it is better that her DC are spending more time with their loving grandparents than with her. She is emotionally abusive and lacking in empathy, and her DC are being exposed to all that whenever they're with her. I do see the effect it has on my parents, and help where I can (I have my own DC though). Not sure if your case in similar but your sister being rude and controlling sounds uncomfortably familiar.

It's none of her business what two grown adults choose to do.

It doesn't suit the OP but that doesn't make it her business.

So is this because you would've liked a 3rd, but due to everyone's age and working status you couldn't afford it with no family help, but now it's an option you feel too much time has passed and/or still can't afford?

You can ask your parents to look after your children like she has. There answer is their choice.

@londonbananarama is this part of a pattern with how you feel your sister behaves or is it a one off thing?

You chose not to ask your parents for help with your children. You felt like you were doing the right thing which I absolutely understand but it was a choice as with anything else in life. Sounds as though they would have been willing to help you since they help your sister so much.

I imagine the grandparents are scared of upsetting the apple cart. Would they still get to see the children if they didn’t have them regularly through childcare, would access be revoked? I think I would be annoyed too but would probably speak to my mum and sister about it. I’m aware that this is not easy for some families.

Sorry if it's already been asked and answered.
Do your parents get a holiday? Go on a holiday away?
Are they tied up with babysitting all year round?

Did they have no plans for their retirement or say they were downsizing, taking a cruise? Go to hobbies or their friends, gardening, gym, bowls whatever?
Being on high alert all the time sounds really tiring @londonbananarama for them. What are THEIR plans?

No TV and no sugar?..sod that 🤣

Your sister sounds more like a dictator. If someone’s looking after your kids they do it as they see fit . You can’t completely give 110% of your time to kids, things need doing. If she was having to pay for childcare my guess is baby number 3 wouldn’t be happening. But in all fairness your parents need to say we’ve done out days of bringing kids up .