Sister childcare and pregnant again

Feeling resentment towards your sister won't affect her at all but will make you unhappy.

Know it's hard, but it's up to your parents to say no.
I really wouldn't wade in- there is no way it could come over well.

I think this is a common problem really.One child copes really well ,doesnt ask for much help.The other one doesnt worry!I would ask for one off babysitting though .Your parents dont sound the type to be jetting off everywhere.They may prefer to look after DC at home .I think even if your Sis insists on rules. They will probably pop the dishwasher on ,hang the washing out and so on . Maybe have a quiet word with Mum ,but if shes happy theres not much you can do really

When your sister is on maternity leave this would be the ideal time surely for your parents to step back and she can do her own childcare and school pick up. It’s then up to them if they continue with the arrangement afterwards.

Its not your business. If your DPs dont like it its for them to speak up

Your kids at 12 and 8 are probably much easier to look after / old enough to be helpful - rather than hard work in the way much younger kids are by virtue of their ages. Maybe worth having your parents babysit so they can see the contrast.

You're not really going to need babysitters for much longer anyway.

Are you at the point where you're expecting your parents to start needing more care? Is your sister and household likely to be able to help with that or is it more likely to be thrown at you? At this point you have time to think and be clear abound what you can and can't do and what you're willing to do, if that's different.

OP this is a conversation to have with your parents. Explain to them that you feel they give so much more of their time and energy to your sister and this means that 1. They would be too tired to help you, 2. It feels wrong to ask them when they already do so much.

Hopefully this will remind them that she is not the only adult child and that they are being unfair with their time.

If they truly care about your needs too, they will 1. Babysit even when tired (in which case they are adults and can make their own choices),. 2. They will put their foot down with sister and perhaps use one of her babysitting evenings to babysit for you.

If sister loses her mind about it, let her. She’s being selfish and a bully.

Its really strange you feel you cant ask them, your children are 12 and 8, thats a great age for their Grandparents to enjoy them. Without all the care giving. My oldest son is 15 and hes the oldest by quite a bit my parent love hanging out with him as hes good company and they can relax.

You cant dictate what they do for you sister but you shouldn't hold back because of her.

You sound jealous they didn’t help out as much with your own children

You can certainly ask your parents to babysit. It is up to them to manage their time and energy so as not to prioritize your sister.

Sorry if I've missed this somewhere, but are you the older sister? I wonder if you have always been assigned different roles in the family: you carry the emotional load of caring for your parents, whereas your sister has always been seen as the one who needs more help.

Your parents overcommitting to childcare is not your problem or responsibility. They might well have even wished you asked for more childcare help (which is how my in laws feel about their other grandchildren). Who knows? Park your resentment about your sister. Ask them to babysit for you more often if you want to.

It’s your parents who need to be assertive here and just say no. Yes I agree it’s irritating but it’s really none of your business

Of course your sister is behaving appallingly but unfortunately, your parents are enabling the situation because they’re too afraid to say NO to her and the potential fallout that will ensue.

It’s pure blackmail!

Until one of the grandparents gets seriously ill and has to pause the childcare, nothing will change.

As you see on here, there’s an awful lot of selfish parents who expect their aging parents to give up their twilight years and slavishly bring up the next generation whilst they swan around enjoying themselves thinking they’re ’working hard’ so it’s all ok.

I’m in my 60’s with DGC of varying ages but we only help out during the holidays as we live abroad. We had the oldest (pre-teen) DGC stay with us for a week on his own last summer so his parents didn’t have to take unpaid leave. That was great but I wouldn’t want to look after the younger ones (other son’s DC) without the parents for any length of time.

I have a friend who was roped in to provide childcare for her 4 GDC. She’s younger than me with a variety of health issues that I think can be directly attributed to her trying to appease the demanding DIL and looking after the younger ones when she should have put her own health needs first. Now that the kids are teens and can be left alone at home, they rarely bother to visit unless DIL wants something. Friend’s adult son is spineless and says nothing!

Friend knows full well she was used and is now discarded, but just feels very sad about the situation. She’ll never say anything to her son or DIL as she’s afraid of any fallout.

🙄 so helpful

You sound very jealous of your sister.

I wouldn’t sit and wait I’d just start clearing plates! She sounds like a nightmare

You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face by not asking for occasional childcare. They possibly think you don’t trust them or want them to babysit. Why on earth you don’t ask them is beyond me. My parents live very full, active lives. Babysit weekly for my siblings- on the proviso they’ll occasionally be away on holiday. They come to stay with me a few times a year and will babysit then. The kids grandparents like them, want to spend time with them, that’s how they want to spend their retirement. Don’t fight them, join them!

But it doesn't matter what MN says or anywhere else on the internet, society has a no problem, it is up to the individual to say no

So she is expecting a couple who are seventy to care for a six year old a two year old and a baby

To be honest there is a mile of difference looking after and 8 and 12 year and a 6 and 2 year old. Your parents would find your two much easier to look after and I would ask them for the odd one off babysitting. If your sisters nose gets put out of joint so be it but she can't monopolise your parents

Foxtrot Oscar

As you are so easily bored im assuming you also get easily bored with your kids as ive obviously touched a nerve with my original post

Your sister and BIL do what they do, because both sets of grandparents allow it. Have you spoken to your parents to ask how they feel about looking after the next child? You could express to them that you're concerned as they're getting older.

If your parents don't speak up, there's not much you can do.
As they're willing though, Maybe you can use them for date nights and schedule in advance before your sister jumps in.

I totally get why this annoys you. Dsis takes the piss, gets benefits and privileges in life and no one thanks you for not doing the same. If anything they will probably favour her more in life, it's not fair. Then you see them being put under pressure and worry about their well being.

I had similar, not in childcare but a sibling spending money on stupid things and asking for bail outs in 20s, still getting a lift to and from the train station in her 40s despite parents now being in 80s with health issues. The more dependent she was, the more they seemed to want to help her. Only that her education sent her away, she could be still there getting her laundry done. I was self sufficient from a young age and always felt that should be praise worthy but apparently not.

Don't beat yourself too much over why you are annoyed, to me it's fairly obvious. Also I think you could kindly tell your parents you think they shouldn't be doing so much, they will probably ignore you but at least you are showing concern. If they hit a point where they feel they can't cope, it will give them strength to state their case and start saying no. They will know that you have their back. On the other hand if they reassure you they are perfectly capable and want to do it, then ask for more help for yourself. There's nothing wrong with asking when you've made it clear that no is an acceptable reply.

Just ask them for childcare.

If they say no because they're already doing too much for your sister, explain to them how you feel sidelined and could really do with the help too.

The ball is then in their court and you've told them how you feel.

You absolutely cannot control how much they do for your sister. But at the moment you've pre-empted any difficult conversations because you've decided on their behalf that they would be too tired to help you. They might even think you don't want them babysitting because you haven't even asked!