Sister childcare and pregnant again

This exact situation happened to me. My parents were worn out and when I spent time with them with my kids. They ended up making this a negative experience venting about my sister and her kids and how i was the better parent etc. When her third child came along they were wiped out and decided to move to their holiday home 3 hours away. My sister was fuming and said to me "how can they do this to our kids"

It was sad but I said to her "mine won't notice"

Fast forward 18m and my sister managed to get her own kids sorted and her own routine and funnily enough they are now looking to move back here. (Leeds)

I honestly think that was their only escape. The best part is that my sister has never had a job and has always had a partner. I've always been a single parent to x2 kids working full time with a mortgage on my own.

If your parents didnt want to it's their place to say. But I also agree, it sounds your just disappointed that you don't get the help they do? Even though you don't ask?
Your sister sounds very lucky a lot of people have little to zero help. Id take it if it was offered to me. And also begrudging your sister because she's pregnant. It's another little neice or nephew to love. Everyone's parenting styles are different too it's not fair to comment on how she raises her children especially if your parents go along with it.
Just seems it's not really a you problem, maybe they are taken advantage of but it's only them who can say no. Some grandparents love to be involved and hands on, some think their time for children has finished.

OP I came on to say its hard to watch one sibling get loads of childcare help whilst you have had to struggle on.

Dh has a family member who for years demanded MIL time fully for childcare duties. There was no consideration for MILs health, her relationship with her other grandkids or how this impacts on anyone else. Whilst we struggled on without help and paid a fortune for babysitters and childcare.

Personally I think your parents need to tell your sister enough is enough. They are 70 years old and not fit to run after 3 young kids so wont be doing it. You also need to tell your parent's why you dont ask them to babysit so they realise this situation is having a negative effect on you to. Unfortunately your sister is continuing to have more children because she is being allowed to offload the day to day care and responsibility of those children to your parents. What if she decides to have a 4th?

Then expect a row to be break out or things to be difficult. Is it worth it?
Everyone looks after their own kids, or sisters babysit each others occasionally. Poor grandparents.

Why don't you and your sister babysit each others kids sometimes. Why is it down to your parents to babysit both sets of children .
Poor grandparents.

Ynbu this pisses me off too. If you cant look after the kids you have, dont have more. Obviously grandparents like to help out. They should never be expected to

I bet if your sister and/ or her DH stopped working FT and had to look after their own children, those screen time and snack rules would soon go out the window.

Funny how people who don't look after their own DC on a daily basis are happy to make others follow strict rules.

I think you should be asking your parents to babysit for you so that you can go out. They need to realise the imbalance and perhaps be enabled so they can turn your sister's requests down. "Sorry, we can't babysit on Tuesday this week because we're looking after OP's DC".

I think this third baby might result in a shakeup TBH. They are older and will not want to be trying to entertain a toddler and a baby whilst doing school runs. I think your DSis is imagining DC2 at nursery in this mix but I truly hope your parents will realise that balancing three is vastly more complex than two with one being at school.

Maybe utilise them for Inset days so your DC gets to have days out with them too and you're not having to scrabble around or take days off?

Don't build up resentment. Realise that you love your parents in a way that means you never dreamt of imposing on them like that. What you're feeling is anger — not that your sister is getting free childcare — but that your sister is causing your parents to feel obliged to help and exhausting themselves in the process. It's her taking advantage that I think you're really upset about.

No wonder she's having another, what an easy life she has. Deffo NBU. She's monopolised them. I would tell them how you feel.

Also this!

This.

I think what gets me is how they are micromanaging their kids care whilst also being absent. No way. If they devolve childcare to your parents then those grandparents get to make the rules. Your parents should put their feet down they are obviously in awe of your sister.

OP, I think you definitly need to verbalise how you feel.
Your sister uses your parents for childcare and your parents are on board with it and you socialise with them only.

Sisters like yours in my experience are nowhere to be seen when caring duties arrive.
You working part time will be viewed as the perfect fit to run around after your parents.
She will be far too busy with work and 3 children.

Resentment won't be far behind.

This is the status quo amongst almost all of my NCT group. The grandparents are the same age. They all (both sides) provide childcare one or two days a week. They all do ad hoc babysitting, too. The grandparents seem very up for it and in the three cases that I know are trying for third or fourth kids; the grandparents have supported the decision.

We don’t have any grandparents, so it’s me at classes and things; so I know most of the grandparents quite well at this point! They do sometimes moan about tiredness but it’s clear they wouldn’t change things. They love seeing the grandchildren as much and it’s a limited time until each one goes to school.

I can understand why you’re struggling with this if you wanted three and made the decision not to partially on childcare which you didn’t think would exist but now does( genuinely. But that doesn’t mean your sister is doing anything unusual or unfair and your parents, as well as her PIL, can say no or put an end to arrangements if they want to. In my experience; as someone who has to do it all without any family support on either side; it’s far, far more common to have a few days childcare from each side each week.

As a family member said to his sister when she had her 4th, she needs to step up and reduce working hours to look after her kids. The youngest is almost school age, her parents are knackered and frequently say they’re having a rest if she is away with the dc. She and her dh each do a day a week, but rely very heavily on her parents for pick ups etc.

Next time you’re all together ask your parents what they’re planning to do when they’ve got a year off while your sister is on maternity leave. This is where they should start by not doing childcare while your sister is off work. Our old neighbour used to look after grandchild Monday to Friday full time. Then the parents used to drop her off there on a Saturday so they could go to gym and lunch together. It was so bad but it is up to your parents to say something too. They can start now saying they won’t be able to manage 3 kids and they’re getting older of something. I’d be angry like you they’re taking the piss but your parents need to. Speak up.

She is using them to the hilt whilst they are fit enoighn to cope. with looking after her kids.

However, it is their choice.

But bide your time. And l dont want to sound awaful. Until one of them gets ill or they are lessa able cope.

I think its time to have a conversation with your sister.

My parents are early/mid 70's and are really suffering with their health, but it has only come on in the last couple of years to the point where they need help rather than giving it.

Ask her what her plan is for when your ma and pa can no longer cope with babysitting (never mind all her rules!). Ask her what her plans are for if one of them gets ill (sadly, more likely as each year passes).

Sounds like little miss spoiled is rather too used to getting her own way with giving nothing back. As evidenced by the fact that she doesnt actually spend any meaningful time with them, just sees them at drop off and pick up. She is no closer to them than she would be her kid's keyworker at a nursery.

People rarely value anything that they dont have to pay for no matter its true worth, and she doesnt value them above what they can provide for her.

Feels to me like its time someone (you, and possibly your brother?) pointed out the reality. Yes she will kick off, probably cut you off and create a scene but it needs to be done.

Do your sister & her DH both work & do you think they can afford another child? Your sister obviously doesn't see what you see and thinks your parents are on-call childminders by the sound of it. It's not unusual for siblings to see things differently nor to understand where the other is coming from, if you say anything to her you'll be the bad guy. Really it's upto your parents to decide what they're happy to do - have either of them said anything to you about it? What about your inlaws, are they involved with you, DH & family?

I will never understand people who say ‘it’s none of your business’. This is your immediate family - of course it’s your business!!

For what it’s worth OP I had a similar situation. My sister lives close to my parents and relied on them heavily for helping her bring up her children, even though she didn’t work for years when they were young. My parents also supported her financially, collected, paid for and delivered her shopping, sorted her out with a cleaner, etc. I lived three hours away and have not had a fraction of that help, nor would I ever feel comfortable asking or expecting. I mean, she took the children round to my parents’ in lockdown when it was against the rules, amongst countless other things. My dad was always ‘dropping everything’ to rush round and help her out.

My personality is very self-sufficient which I always considered lucky, but now think I was probably subconsciously working it to be this way. I don’t feel comfortable asking for help.

whenever I did mention the imbalance to my parents they always spun it that I was jealous. I wasn’t jealous, just used to compare eg. My parents didn’t visit my first born until he was 4 months old.

Anyway it changed when she got a new boyfriend and started upping her game in order to not look useless in front of him. She now works hard, her children are a bit older and she coparents with her ex, and my parents are now open to seeing how much they had been taken advantage of, and were also enabling her.

She might have a third child, but I don’t think it would play out the same way this time - our parents are older now.

But yes - the squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Your sister sounds awful. Like some of the others have written, have a quiet chat with your mum, get it off your chest. Gauge her response. Maybe she is struggling and needs your support.

OP have you ever talked to your parents about this directly?
I would have a chat and lay out your concerns for them.
my brother recently had a baby with his girlfriend and I could see the writing on the wall, with my parents down the road and my brother already uses them as dog daycare 3+ times a week while they work!
I was honest with them and said look - I know you’re excited with 1st grandchild etc but don’t overcommit. You’ve worked v hard for retirement and now is when you should be holidaying, gardening, living out your wildest dreams! I don’t want you to overcommit to regular babysitting and feel tied to it and like you can’t plan to do things.
my dad was already on board but I could tell my mother hadn’t really thought that far ahead and it did make her think twice. They now have *provisionally agreed 1 day/week but on the proviso they will still holiday when they want and give my brother advance notice so they can sort out other childcare. They aren’t letting this affect their retirement, but still enjoy their grandchild.

sadly some people in life are “users” and your sister sounds like one. They’ll squeeeeeze all they can out of other people and won’t feel bad about it.
you can’t change her, but you can talk to your parents openly about your concerns for them and how their lives are being affected by this and that you want them to get out there and live their lives - enjoy retirement and spend their money (whilst they’re healthy and get maximal enjoyment/benefit).

Totally agree with this. It might help force the issue of them re thinking how much time they spend looking after her kids. Plus you don't want your kids to not have as close relationship with your parents because they spend significantly less time together and don't have the same opportunity to build a close relationship. Maybe say that to your parents as well, it might give them the courage to put their foot down to your sister - if they want too!

Sounds like you are jealous of the amount of childcare your sister gets and on her terms.