Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me work out if this is fair?

60 replies

easeyourfeet · 24/02/2026 20:22

I’m feeling resentful and annoyed that things aren’t fair in lots of ways in my very long term relationship.
please can you have a read and tell me straight.

Dh had a business, he was only bringing home £30000 when he had it for years before it was less than that. We have brought up two children and they are now 20 and 18. Up until four years ago I worked four days and before that three days, Dh was full time. Dh has no pension . My job is also low money at £28000 and I’m now full time. I have a very small pension from this.

Dh lost his business and also lost his Dad in the same year. He got £50000 for the business and £100000 inheritance. He paid the mortgage off with this.

so we are mortgage free. But he still has no pension, he has found a part time job which pays £20000 and likes working 3 days a week.

This wasn’t the purpose of my post but because he is working less he should be doing more and we have two late teens who need a bit of support at the moment.
On his two days off he doesn’t get much done around the house

we can afford to live at the moment. But I’m resentful about the pension.

im just wondering if I’m being a cow because he has paid that mortgage off?

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 24/02/2026 20:35

Maybe your husband is also resentful of you only working part time even when your kids were teenagers ….
you can’t blame your husband and resent him for your lifestyle choices !

Bigtreeesss · 24/02/2026 20:35

easeyourfeet · 24/02/2026 20:33

Because he lost the business. I worked part time and brought up kids so he could grow the business and that would be the pension.

Sounds like a risk you both took that didn’t pay off 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
easeyourfeet · 24/02/2026 20:33

That was the understanding anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
easeyourfeet · 24/02/2026 20:33

Because he lost the business. I worked part time and brought up kids so he could grow the business and that would be the pension.

OP posts:
StRidiculous · 24/02/2026 20:32

easeyourfeet · 24/02/2026 20:30

no we aren’t particularly driven. Is that a character flaw? I love my job but I don’t earn much.

I just feel like I’m going to feel resentful when we are eating baked beans as pensioners because I was working part time to bring up kids and so couldn’t progress at work

Show quote history

No it’s not a character flaw. But you seem to be resentful of your future retirement being poor, and that’s a result of both of your actions? So I’m not sure why you’re blaming him?

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/02/2026 20:31

If he works less and has more free time as a result then he needs to be picking up more household slack. That’s just how partnership works.

The pension issue - well, you can be resentful but ultimately you chose to stay with him through all the years he was self employed, knowing what the financial situation was. You’ve both had similar incomes and neither of you have built much of a pension, so why should either of you think pension is the other’s responsibility? You went part time for the children; he paid off the mortgage: it sounds as though you’ve each contributed fairly there.

Original poster
easeyourfeet · 24/02/2026 20:31

StormyLandCloud · 24/02/2026 20:27

How old are you both? Does he get a pension in this new job ?
it’s difficult but I’ve always been of the opinion that you put into the house and pay what
finances what you can. So if your DH can do his work til he can take retirement from the state then that would bring an income after he leaves this current job.
I also feel that working parents take the household jobs accordingly, and the kids do their bit too.
if he has spare time and does no housework then he needs to work longer hours an perhaps get a cleaner?!

Edited

Cleaner? I think we live in different worlds

OP posts:
Original poster
easeyourfeet · 24/02/2026 20:30

StRidiculous · 24/02/2026 20:26

Neither of you are particularly ambitious or driven, and as a result of that, you won’t have a high standard of living, either now or in retirement.

I doubt you’ve built up much pension.

I don’t see why you resent him when he’s always earnt more, worked more and has paid off your mortgage?

no we aren’t particularly driven. Is that a character flaw? I love my job but I don’t earn much.

I just feel like I’m going to feel resentful when we are eating baked beans as pensioners because I was working part time to bring up kids and so couldn’t progress at work

OP posts:
StormyLandCloud · 24/02/2026 20:27

How old are you both? Does he get a pension in this new job ?
it’s difficult but I’ve always been of the opinion that you put into the house and pay what
finances what you can. So if your DH can do his work til he can take retirement from the state then that would bring an income after he leaves this current job.
I also feel that working parents take the household jobs accordingly, and the kids do their bit too.
if he has spare time and does no housework then he needs to work longer hours an perhaps get a cleaner?!

StRidiculous · 24/02/2026 20:26

Neither of you are particularly ambitious or driven, and as a result of that, you won’t have a high standard of living, either now or in retirement.

I doubt you’ve built up much pension.

I don’t see why you resent him when he’s always earnt more, worked more and has paid off your mortgage?

Swipe left for the next trending thread