Help me work out if this is fair?

Cleaner? I think we live in different worlds

I don't even know anyone who has a cleaner.
People from all walks of life here.

Was loosing the business his fault ? You quoted he got £50k plus inheritance and paid off the mortgage. Why didn't you tell him to use it to purchase pension contributions instead, if you are worried about a pension in the future.

You're both still relatively young. You should both be working full time and saving and investing as much as you can for the next 15 years or so.

Here’s what I reckon your situation has been, OP - you worked part time when the kids were young because your DH wasn’t available to pitch in with childrearing or domestic labour as all his time and energy was allegedly going into this business which was going to support you all in old age.

But the business never brought in much money, didn’t work out, and now he’s working 3 days a week for lifestyle reasons, and still doing fuck all around the house, and is making no moves either to earn more or contribute meaningfully to family life.

There’s been a slow dawning realisation that he’s all mouth and no trousers. That the story about the business needing all his energy was largely an excuse to phone it in at home, that he doesn’t want to trouble himself to do much at all, and you are furious at the prospect of potentially spending your twilight years in penury with someone so profoundly unmotivated and happy to take you for granted.

Am I close?

What are your children doing/contributing to the household costs?
At 18 and 20, whilst they are still YOUR children, they are adults not children.

If they are earning they should be paying at the least a nominal amount of board.

If they are studying, can they get a part-time job to help fund their own driving lessons?
And they absolutely should be doing their fair share around the house!

It does sound like your H has possibly made some less than sound financial decisions e.g. why didn't they have pensions? Pensions are a really tax efficient allowable expense for small businesses!

Also from what you've written, your husband didnt LOSE his business, he was bought off for 50k, he didn't go bankrupt.

Whether that was a good deal or not, he had to agree to that settlement figure surely?

Did you take financial advice re: paying off the mortgage versus investing some into a pension?

Given your ages, you've both still got a good 15 years to add to a pension. Look at AVCs in your existing work pensions - if you dont have one, why not? Because you are eligible for auto enrollment into a workplace pension scheme. If either of you have opted out, it back in immediately because you are losing out on employers contributions and tax relief.

What does he say about his lack of pension?

I think from your H's perspective he probably feels like he's "bought" the right to work 3 days having paid off the mortgage? And presumably is still contributing to household expenses. If your combined incomes arent sufficient then you need to discuss together how to either optimise your incomes or reduce your outgoings.

In terms of sharing the load, have you discussed this with him? What does he do on his non working days? Is he supporting the teens?

I think you need to raise it with him because the resentment is festering. As a mum, youve worked AND carried the household labour for years, its not unreasonable to want him to take that load on now he is working part-time.

You earn 48k between you with no mortgage, what are you spending your money on? Of course you could afford a cleaner. Or to put money in to a pension, have you not researched options?

So obviously you both have lots of time left to work and build up savings/pensions if that's what you want.

But also... assuming you're both getting your full state pension (?) you'll be getting a grand a month each? With no mortgage that seems completely liveable when compared to your "usual" earning pattern, for both of you.

Is the issue that you wanted to have a better lifestyle by then?

presumably you’ve both got another 15(ish) years to work? It seems a bit early for either of you to be part time if you’ve not saved enough for retirement. It’s also plenty of time to try and progress in your respective careers and increase earnings.

that plus releasing equity from your property should maybe be enough.

YABU for putting this in your DH and feeling resentful towards him

Why would you resent him for a choice you made? Unless he held a gun to your head, you must have chosen to work PT.

A SIPP has to be in one person’s name, but you can each have one. Start now - as redfishcat says, even small amounts will make a difference until you can make them larger ones.

I thought you were going to be older than 49 and 52. You both have almost 20 years of working age ahead of you, you have time to set retirement plans in place and commit to financing them. And whilst he isn’t to blame for a business not working out, DH needs to take hold of himself and accept the reality: at 52, with little pension, and it seems like the ambition of helping adult children financially, working part time isn’t feasible for him long term. I agree with you that you do get to feel some resentment about that, all the more so if he isn’t using his extra time to take some of the domestic load off you. Many people would like to work part time, but he can’t do that knowing it’s compromising you both financially.

It sounds quite a pleasant life style. Could you downsize later on if you needed to? You can’t buy back the time

No, start now. Even £50 a month will compound and make a difference. You don’t have time to waste.
Have a read of the thread about living on a state pension. The consensus is it’s fine if there are two of you, but not if only one.

To add, between you, you currently have a household income of £48K and no housing costs. How old are you both? Set up a SIPP (self invested personal pension) and both commit to putting as much money as you can into it. You can get bogged down in resentment about how things “should” have been if they’d gone to plan, or you can start taking the reins and shaping what the plans are going to look like now.

Sounds like between his (slightly) higher earnings, the £50k from his business sale and his £100k inheritance, he's brought much more to the table than you. Maybe he's resentful, and thinks it's time you stepped up?

Are you at least putting the effort in to increase your earnings now?

I think you have to own your own decisions here OP. You worked part time until your youngest was 14 - that was a choice you made.

Retirement doesn’t look rosy for you or your husband but that’s as a result of both of your choices.

I’d understand the resentment if you’d always worked more and had built up a big pension and were now expected to support a husband who hadn’t. But that isn’t the case here.

You’re mortgage free and presumably currently living in a home large enough to have the DC at home. When they leave home, you can downsize and release equity. That’s a great option you (both) have, and one which will afford you choices in retirement.

And you’re happy earning 28k?

If he never made more than 30k from it, yet still got 50k by selling, he probably did well in that sale.

Presumably it was low earning for years and you could have made the joint decision to pivot at any point. You chose a low income just as much as he did.

When the teens leave can you downsize and release funds for retirement years?

Unless there’s a back story whereby he lost the business through recklessness or ineptitude then it sucks that it didn’t work out, but that’s just how it is sometimes. He could never guarantee that the business was going to suddenly flourish, and it was up to both of you to make a mutual decision to call it quits when it became apparent it was always just going to be providing an average income. I have a business-founding and owning husband myself so I’m not unsympathetic, but whilst it’s doing well now, I’m aware of the risks and we make other plans accordingly.