To go on the jab for my 7 year old

Id thank her for telling you what is worrying her and take it from there.

Id be reminding her if the 'rule' that it is only ok to comment, kindly, on someone's appearance if it can be changed in 30 seconds. Smudge on your nose? Ok. Forgot to comb hair? Ok. Ballet pumps not great - possibly, if you know the other person has other shoes nearby. Weight, nope. Hair colour, nope. Choice of outfit, when there is no other option, nope.

But Id be saying that not everyone knows that rule, and some people can be really unkind/rude. I'm surprised and pleased at @Bearsdolovetrees daughter, and others on this thread, whose dds are so positive. Not every class is like that. Id be saying to your dd that people who notice and comment on others appearance are going to miss out on a lot of friends and a lot of fun in future, cause they are too busy looking at the outside, and judging others, rather than celebrating the fact that we are all different . . .

Mine became embarrassed at drop-off about some of my more hippyish outfits. She would check me out and tell me to stand behind a bush. She was probably 9 or 10. I was a bit hurt and let her know that but lightly, not shaming her, and then made a joke out of it. What I didn’t do was change the way I dress. She grew out of it. I think other kids start to notice and say judgey things and that’s where it comes from.

But why make it about you, why not make it about her, understanding what’s caused her discomfort and embarrassment. Try to help her.

i think this is because it’s weight and the word that can’t be spoken, fat. No matter how true it is, it’s seen as the ultimate insult to actually say it.

donf do this op, that’s about centering you, guilt tripping her and being cruel as a punishment, far better to actually parent and understand what’s caused this, to help her, and take the personal emotion about the fact she knows you’re fat out of it,

You’re not being unreasonable to take the jab. But your daughter is saying very very abnormal things for an 8yr old. I’d be wanting to get to the bottom of that. As a comparison my 10yr old bangs on about how no-one should be judged if I’m the slightest bit judgy! Schools go heavy on that these days, so what’s really going on with her?

30 second rule ...basic kindness stuff

Wow how incredibly hurtful. I think I'd share how disappointed I am that she would judge by appearance and I thought I'd done a better job as her Mummy to raise a kind child. I really would show her my hurt and disappointment
There are plenty of educational support (videos etc..) aimed at much younger children teaching them not comment on someone's appearance..with song and rhymes. Sad that they should be necessary. I always think loving someone means you don't really judge appearance and when you've been away and see them afresh you notice how they look for an instant because it's generally so irrelevant to your feelings for a loved one. You see how you feel about them not their looks, that's love to me.
I'd be cut to the quick with this OP 💐💐💐 sorry

I'd come down quite hard on her for talking about you like that. You need to let her know that's it's unacceptable and poor manners.

Whether you want to lose weight or not is a separate issue but I wouldn't be influenced by a child's remarks on my body.

Do you need to go on the jab? Is your bmi over 30? If it's not you'll struggle to get it from a reputable prescriber.

Do you have food noise/comfort eat/ struggle to lose weight/finish the kids' dinner or are you just too busy being a mum etc to stick to a sustainable way of eating that would enable you to lose weight?

The jab can be fantastic -I'm on it, so I have nothing against it, but it does costs a lot and present some risks and side effects so there's a calculation to be made.

If you've never tried to lose weight before you could try adopting a better way of eating (not dieting!!) before resorting to the jab. On the other hand, if you're a serial failed dieter with ever-present food noise the jab could be just what you need.

It is never a small child’s job to stand up for a parent.

Oh give over with the hyperbole.

You could lose weight, but then what are you going to do when she finds something else to criticise? This rude behaviour needs addressing now. No loving caring mother deserves to be treated like this.

People should only ever lose weight because they want to, or for health reasons.

Not because of what a partner or child thinks.

My guess is that another child in her class has commented on you. Just being nasty. If this is the case, she’s not really embarrassed of you, she’s embarrassed others are saying things and it’s her job to stand-up for you. She doesn’t want to be in this situation at all, so is telling you to sort it out.

BTW my mum was morbidly obese, don’t think I even noticed until my teens. No one was cruel enough to comment but had they, I would have been mortified. My teen years, I suppose I was embarrassed. By adulthood I just had to suck it up and keep telling her others opinions of her didn’t matter when she was down about it and that yes, we should do that beach holiday etc…

If you can, try see it from your child’s point of view.

BTW, I love ballet pumps, but I was told 2 years ago by my DD that I was massively embarrassing still wearing tight jeans and pumps. It’s Wide leg jeans, or even bell bottoms now.

That isn’t true. It depends on body shape and also height. I’m a fairly tall woman, hourglass shape and at my heaviest my BMI was very nearly 40, I was almost 18 stone. Still only a size 20 at my biggest though. For some people at 18 stone they would be a size 26.

You cannot punish someone out of their feelings. You can only punish them into silence.

As unpleasant as it is to hear, she isn’t saying it to be hurtful. It sounds like it’s something she’s struggling with, and distressed by. Where has it come from? I would guess from the playground tbh. She’s probably been/ is being teased about 1, holding hands, and 2, having a fat mother. It may be something she’s regularly dealing with, and what she’s said to you is her 7 year old way of trying to make it stop.

She’s not ‘vile’, she’s a kid struggling with her feelings and trying to navigate the world. A misstep is not the same thing as malice.

Honestly, I wouldn't hide that this is upsetting. I dont mean guilt trip her and dramatically fall apart, but let her know that this hurts your feelings. It's difficult to teach empathy without people having to learn the consequences of being mean.

My DD is 9 and just starting to notice or comment on people's physique. Usually it's neutral, but I've noticed increasing judgement and we've had discussions about this too. It's certainly not the influence of anythibg she sees or hears at home, but kids are socialising and getting different perspectives and ideas from their peers.

Who is filling your child’s head with these ideas?!

My youngest is 8. He has absolutely no idea about fat being shameful and would never comment on someone’s weight. I’m a size 16 btw. My 13 year old does know what society would deem an ideal weight, but she would never ever say anything to comment on someone’s body composition. She knows it’s not polite.

Someone is talking this way to her about her body or about yours, which is totally inappropriate. I’d be nipping that crap right in the bud.

In fact I think it's rather more shocking that you think a small child being "embarrassed and uncomfortable" about their mum being fat is normal. Of course it's visceral, being told you're shameful by your own child. Why wouldn't it be?

But this doesn't make sense. She's not said "you're fat" a matter of fact way. She has said "you're fat and that is why I don't want to be seen holding your hand". That is hurtful and displays a potentially damaging mindset that needs addressing. And personally I'd be firm about it and leave no room for doubt that it is hurtful and wrong. And punishment might then actually be appropriate if she persists in the same way it'd be appropriate if she was persisting in saying anything else she knew was rude, though I don't particularly enjoy punitive parenting.

You could potentially then have a more nuanced conversation about healthy eating and how you are going to both look after yourselves but it's still a bit presumptuous for a 7yo to be lecturing an adult about this and she needs to know that (in fact I imagine she does).

People’s reaction to the word fat is really interesting.

youre fat, you know you’re fat, everyone who can see you knows your fat. Including your child. But to actually say it factually is seen as one of the most hurtful things, and even from a child it’s rush to punish for some people, she’s not telling strangers, she’s telling her own mum. And she’s doing it in a way where she’s indicating she’s embarrassed and uncomfortable her mother is fat, she’s not saying eugh, she’s not expressing disgust,she’s not calling her names, she’s a small child expressing embarrassment and discomfort.

and instead of wanting to understand that, from a seven year old some posters reaction is punish her. Punish her hard.

its shocking if you think about it. How visceral the reaction is on being told we are fat, when in fact we are fat, and it is clearly visible to everyone.

edit to add this isn’t aimed at op, and the words you are, means one is.

And punishing them doesn’t stop them thinking it, all that’s happen is you punish them for the truth as you don’t like to hear it, it’s a shit way to manage it.

I don’t think she does and I’m always surprised by the rush to punish some people love on here, a parenting website, I suspect this is about the horror of being told you’re fat versus what’s best to manage with the child.

Absolutely give them a try. They are life changing.