What to do when you can't agree on where to live

Noting the “ex”! Yeah I had one like that.

My ex husband would’ve said “yeah fine” then not paid it.

I honestly don’t think we can help as to you what’s moderate could feel shoeboxey to others, he could mean mansion or reasonably sized house. Tbh just mo but even though I’m on mw, 400 a month between two people doesn’t seem like a lot if it would give ye more space

It's not just the higher mortgage, it could be council tax band, energy costs as well. Don't forget to factor that too.

Same, I had a one bed mid terraced house that was a nightmare to keep tidy because there was no space. I moved into a slightly bigger house 3 bed and its so much easier to keep tidy.

Why does he want the extra space? Mine just has so much stuff (and could easily have coped in a smaller place if he would declutter) but now we both WFH a lot extra space to have a work space each is worthwhile. Moving is expensive so if you thought you might want to move in the future for more space (kids got example) then could be worth just doing it now. However it is a lot more money especially on your wage

You need to stress-test the scenario of bigger mortgage. Put the space aside for now. What happens if one of you gets made redundant? Or leaves? What is the council tax, bills etc. what are the moving costs?
If the sums add up, then it’s a conversation about the type of house.

I hated our previous shoebox house. But I had 2 children in it, we could survive on 1 salary. We did then move to the biggest house we could afford at the time and employed a cleaner…!
What does life look like if he wins / you win? Is it a hill you are willing to die on…?

I think my cunning master plan was counting on the DH deciding he didn’t actually need the Big House once he realised he would have to sacrifice his golf/season ticket/whatever to finance it!!

With regard to cleaning - often more space actually means faster/easier cleaning. I can bottom out my large 5/6 double bedroom/4 bathroom home faster than a family member can do her 3 bed (2 tiny singles) 1 bathroom home - mainly because I have no clutter at all. Whereas for her there is stuff literally all over as they don’t have enough room, so it’s a real battle.

If you have more bathrooms, in my experience it’s not multiplying the cleaning either as they stay cleaner because they get less use.

I wouldn’t use that as a reason not to move.

However, I also wouldn’t over stretch myself.

What do you mean about being resourceful with space?
That sounds like it might be a touch too small?

So you’re potentially talking about an uptick of ~10% of your wage after tax? That’s not insignificant.
If either of you were to take a drop in income/loss of income then that’s potentially huge.

That’s not a robust plan. If he stops paying “his bit” you’re fucked

I’m with you. I would tell DH that if he wants the Big House, he can pay for it, I wouldn’t be cutting back in other areas to subsidise it. So if it’s an additional £400 that is all on him.

From what you’ve said, you are on an average income and that extra money would potentially be better spent elsewhere/saved/pension.

FWIW we had a similar debate, and ended up in the bigger house. I now pay for it 100% alone. In some ways it pushed me in my career to earn more, and it ultimately a “cheaper” way to get a big house (ie buying it sooner inn my life rather than later) but I have never liked the house and just learned to put a positive spin on it

Do you have children now? Because if/when they come along that will make a huge dent in your income, which could render the larger mortgage too difficult.

Buy the bigger place but compromise and buy a place with an extra bathroom and that is suitable for a lodger.
Build in a kitchenette and have the lodger be quite independent.
Or buy a big enough place but in a better location, thus, your investment is going to be more profitable but you will have less cleaning.
Or buy the small place and also put a serious amount aside in a savings account for a future purchase of property. You miss out on property gains, perhaps, but also pay less interest.

Tbh I think this is quite hard because fundamentally you want different things and if you were starting your relationship this would probably be one of those major stumbling blocks that would make you think you were incompatible- but it’s a bit late for that!

Myself and my ex always had these sorts of fundamental disagreements. Sometimes I got my way, sometimes he did. Whenever the person didn’t get their way they were stressed and uncomfortable until it was time to move again. People don’t just change their minds or forget that they didn’t want this house

I don’t think anyone on here can give you accurate advice on the specifics- we don’t know what you both earn, what budget you’re looking at, what other expenses you have etc.

But it’s a common discussion for couples to have, and you’d hope to meet in the middle somewhere.

I downsized last year and paid off my mortgage. Sometimes I miss having more space/ options of where to put stuff, but I really really don’t miss all that extra money going out! Everyone’s different though; there’s no right or wrong (unless it cripples you financially or really doesn’t work space wise).

(In the short term I mean)

Wow to be Okey yet,just say it in scared

Well one thing you need to factor is that £400 isn’t ’thrown away’ it’s invested, you’d have a larger investment at the end of it. But of course you dont have to just accept it, you’re in a relationship, you have to come to a compromise together.

I’d be more concerned about moving costs tbh. Moving is expensive, I’d want to be sure the move in itself was absolutely worthwhile. It’ll cost you a lot more than the mortgage increase.

Does he earn more?

You can say, I will pay x-amount on mortgage and bills any more it’s all on you honey

you can point out extra cleaning, so will you do the extra bathroom every week and the second reception and the spare bedroom

basically thrash this all out beforehand and then WhatsApp him the decisions so it’s all written down (screen shot and save)

if you put up your terms and conditions perhaps this extra space - which comes first him extra payments and extra domestic chores will not be as desirable