What to do when you can't agree on where to live

I'd stick with your instinct. Think saving the money rather than spending it on a bigger house makes more sense to me, we moved to a substantially bigger house and have gone for a smaller house. Husband never does any cleaning and i couldn't cope with the amount. I wouldn't choose or could afford to have a cleaner and we had a baby aswell which was all to much. i very quickly grew to resent the excess space.

Is there another area you could look at that offers the space without increasing the price so much.
I'd say live is full of these compromises - just try to hear as well as voice.
Easy to say and hard to do.

Higher council tax too. Mansion tax too possibly?

If you intend having children you will need all the space you can get! As long as you can factor in child care costs for a few years, I would go for more space every time.

HI OP, you may have answered some of this to other people, I have only just read the first page of responses.

It sounds to me that you are both ready to move and have been viewing properties. Two of which you like independently, neither of you love.

Keep viewing, you both need to 'get' your new home more than like it/it ticks boxes. Yes, there will be compromise from both of you, but I firmly believe you will both know it when you view it.

Moving forward list what's important, what's a deal breaker and what is nice to have. Use this as a guide when you view. view and view and view and you may find that this list changes a little as you go.

If your husband wants to get into debt he'd best get another job then or consider a cheaper location if he wants a bigger house.

This is it. It's not just the mortgage. When we moved last, we were torn between 3 houses - all different prices but with different pros/cons. I created a spreadsheet with all the different costs; purchase price, purchase costs, mortgage, council tax, all estimated bills including transport costs. It was surprising and we realised that we actually couldn't afford to live in one of the houses that we could afford to buy. So I would recommend you think carefully about all your bills if moving to a new house, so you are at least going into it with your eyes open.

Is the extra £400 on mortgage alone?

As some of your other costs could also increase - heating, water and electricity (if you have a bigger garden and more to clean), council tax, insurance, etc.

It's like having a child. The person who refuses to sign up [for a bigger mortgage (OP)] gets the veto.

This is what I mean to- I think it’s a fundamental problem that needs to be explored. Pretending you are a different couple who don’t have this problem isn’t going to work. There may be some future resentment to come and you need to get ahead of it.

I think your observation here about it being a personality difference is correct. I think people asking about your financial situation, how much space you need etc. are probably missing the point. You are more modest, your instincts just fundamentally differ from his. I am not sure what the answer is but you could both spend some time thinking about where those instincts come from incase you have some underlying issues driving the preferences; does he crave external validation by having expensive things? Did you grow up in financial insecurity? Understanding where your different instincts come from might help you find compromise.... Or maybe I am overcomplicating things 😂but just a thought.

We had an extension that I didnt fully agree to, and couldnt really afford to make space we didnt especially need. Then probably 6-8 years of living quite frugally. I felt a lot of resentment tbh, so dont know if im in a good place to advise!
Weirdly becoming more financially comfortable and making better use of the extra space happened at the same time...

But you said "one person has to give in" - which isn't true. Houses don't come in two sizes, big or modest.

If OP gives in to her current mindset then she will end up in the big house by default.

I'm just giving her a few pointers for how to discuss this and agree what they need.

But they clearly don’t have a relationship that functions in the same way as yours. That’s the problem right? If they could just discuss it they wouldn’t be in this conflict

Well they do what my husband and I do with each big life decision - thrash it out on paper, and throw away terms such as "modest" and promises like "I'll clean/pay/earn" more.

Here's a few things for you to consider OP:

• as PP said, a larger home can be easier to clean because you have more storage
• but - do you or your husband have hoarding issues? Those don't go away if you expand the space available
• do you plan to have kids? Do you WFH? Not one of me or my friends in a 3 bed with both of the above have enough space.
• maintenance, energy and tax will all be more on larger house
• but moving costs more too
• you are almost certainly not saving enough, or putting enough in your pension, because almost nobody is

There isn't an easy answer here, but I'd encourage you to stop thinking about it as "modest" house Vs "big flashy house" and think about what you need from a house in 5/10/15 years.

I would suggest you both try and live for 6 months saving the value you would need to pay extra. So say £300 each. Then hopefully from your side he will see how it's a struggle and not want to move! Or you might find you don't miss the money and would prefer a nicer place?

That’s not healthy for a marriage

what size house do you want

and what does he want ?

how many bed rooms an living rooms /soaces

an extra £400 a month is a lot and if % go up then will be a lot more

yes im all for getting the bigger house you can afford so save selling /moving costs and stamp duty a few years later but not if it puts pressure on you both to afford it

if one of you lose your job can you manage the bills and mortgage on one salary for 6mths incase can’t find a job

You haven’t given an indication of the difference in sjze. There was a thread recently about this and in virtually every couple it’s the dick waving men who want a bigger house.

You sit and do the actual sums and you also need to factor in the really awful stuff in life like, death, illness and job loss. Plus the nice expensive stuff, children, holidays, savings. The day to day running of the house, stamp duty levels, council tax bands and energy ratings.

I see you are already married, if you can't have rational discussions about money and just want to give in to keep the peace that is not a solid foundation for life long marriage.

Avoiding conflict/issues is just a way to breed resentment.

Why does it have to be so black and white?

Have you even looked at houses?

How big is big? And how small is small? Does your choice have room for children, possible children in the future? Does his choice include lots of rooms you would never use or be able to maintain it a huge garden when you don't like gardening?
Don't just go along with his choice just for an easy life as that may make your life much more difficult in the long term.
Have you been to see the houses? Does he have a realistic idea of how much heating bills, council tax, etc will be in the big house are you/he confident you can afford it?

What are her (genuine) options though? Either she’s “wet” or he is.
There isn’t a compromise with 2 different housing ideals. One person has to give in. Now that might not be healthy, but if they don’t plan to divorce, that’s the only outcome.

That makes you sound like a doormat, a martyr, or you are scared to say no to him?

Don't be so bloody wet.

If you aren't going to use your autonomy to make an actual decision then Don't come crying to mumsnet in 30 years when you find out the bloke you had faith in and gone along woth has gotten the decision wrong.

Whether you actually decide or keep the peace, you're still accountable.

Compromise: agree to a bigger house ONLY if he can find an energy efficient house that's bigger ie lower bills or as low as you have now, that'll surely balance out? It's also the way to go if you have solar, MHRV, ground source heat pump, masses of insulation, triple glazing Passivhaus standards etc.
That'll likely save you a fair proportion of the difference between what he's proposing and what you propose in terms of energy bills, and mean also you have a great longterm investment for the extra £££ payments per month, reduced by the £££ you save in energy bills. Otherwise you'll not only be paying shed loads for the bigger house in terms of mortgage but also in terms of bills.

(Or alternatively buying a project you can easily upgrade to the above low energy. )

My husband did this - wanted big and a renovation project. Turns out he had no plans on how to actually make it nice so I had to do it at great cost in terms of earnings and mental health. I won't be making that mistake again !