To wonder if raising children is worth it?

Unfortunately you can't send them back, there are no refunds, and no return to sender.

You can only "do your best" (which may vary from time to time) or do the bare minimum, or whatever middle ground you can manage.

Personally I decided as a single parent, to give as much as I could to raising my DC, while working FT. It was tough but they are really only with us for a short period of time. Yes it feels like forever when they are as young as yours OP, but before you know it they are out the door.

When they were younger my sanity was saved by an excellent childminder, working & lowering expectations outside of these roles especially around housework etc.

When you are feeling low/tired try to get as much sleep as you can, eat well & take care of yourself too without going OTT and trying to be InstaMum.

Parenting young kids is essentailly a conversation and negotiation around all your competing demands, while allowing for your sanity too. Sometimes "kids alive everyone fed & in bed" is a good result at the end of a day. that's OK.

Well. I had ‘it all’ on paper, had board level career very young in a job lots of people describe as their dream (global arts/media), central london flat, MBA, mentorships, galas, drinks parties, white-cloth west-end lunches bla bla. Then I had two kids.

Parenting is 100% the greatest thing I have ever done and I never even knew the capacity I had to love and be loved. I gave up that job, that life, those perks, I live remotely in a big old house and work from dawn to dusk, working 4.5 days public sector, then cooking, cleaning, driving everyone around their myriad sports and interests and activities etc. They are so lovely, such fun, parenting is so interesting and fulfilling. We sat on the sofa last night after dinner and watched two films, child in each arm, never felt so lucky.

Having children is so all consuming and life changing that I massively encourage women who want to stay child free to do so and I 100% respect that life choice. From the moment you're pregnant it’s 19 years of responsibility- not to be taken lightly at all.

However I personally found it unlocked a whole dimension in life that I didn’t even predict existed.

Im well into my second decade of parenting in case you think this is someone with a blissful baby blip!

Can't relate to the idea of a payoff or it being worth it. That's not really what having kids or a family is about for me

It’s reality. Parenting is so exhausting and soul draining. I have a toddler and older child. Feels like it has just been one long slog.

This, ignore the sneery commenters.

I love my children so much, similar ages to yours, but at the moment I feel like I have nothing left of myself. I work 24 hours a day, and not even my body is my own.
It's exhausting and overstimulating and I found myself having the same thoughts.
I hope the joy that they bring me is 'worth it' overall though.

People tell you to fill your own cup but at this stage I have no ability to- the baby won't settle for anyone else and the preschooler always wants mummy for their 50 million demands.
Having a shower and a poo is respite, never mind something that would actually replenish me!

Why aren’t women allowed to have these feelings? Either they are medicalised (PND) or demonised/pathologised (you are a monster/not normal). Sometimes people do have children and find that for them it’s not all they hoped it would be/cracked up to be. And I actually think that in this world there are worse things that can happen to a child than knowing their mother might have been happier had she not become a mother. I knew that about mine, but she did love me and did the best she could. I had a happier and more secure upbringing than a lot of children do.

I’ve often thought the 4-10 stage must be the best, when they’re out of nappies but teenage attitude has yet to arrive.

You are in one of the hardest parts now. The other part I found difficult was the early teens. Ugh, so far that's been the worst.

But it has totally been worth it. My eldest two are pretty launched and are lovely to be around, and I love spending time with them. My middle son is just getting past the worst bits of the teens and seems to be shaping up, still some worries but also a fun kid. The youngest isn't in the teens yet, we shall see how that goes.

There are no guarantees but I am really positive about going into my elder years with my family.

That's a tricky one because I don't feel like I'm waiting to 'get' somewhere, apart from the first few weeks with my first where breastfeeding was horrible, I've over all just loved it all, every age seems to have as much joy as the last. A bit scared of the teenage years though! I had mine with the idea of enjoying the ride rather than reaching some kind of moment where it's 'worth it'. I guess I'm lucky that I do enjoy it though as clearly it isn't universal.

Women are at the mercy of their hormones. The urge to reproduce is hands down the strongest force on the planet. I think more women should be told to consider whether they really, really want to spend half their lives (and the rest) caring for another another human.

You have a lot on your plate with children of those ages, and I remember feeling the same way about the relentlessness of it all. And how exhausted I was, to the point where I questioned whether I had it "in me" to be a Mum, but I always imagined having one child and I had one. My life would not be happier "child free" despite the hard work. A PP mentioned cultivating a life outside of parenthood (by this I mean even just a few moments each day which you identify as for you) and being kind to yourself is also important. It does change as they get older. I am not suggesting it gets easier, but it reforms and shifts as they grow up. Do you have support around you? Friends/family? X

I think parenting is harder in some ways now than it’s ever been. People seem to be anxious about being and doing their best all the time-it doesn’t seem enough to provide basic needs hope for the best. So many activities and time spent playing-when I was young, we just played out from a young age and came in for food. On rainy days, we played at each others’ houses. Our parents certainly weren’t stressing all the time about doing things right. Children were expected to grow up, be independent and get a job. Not endless stressing about ND, the best exam results, parents interfering in teen friendships, being their teen’s best friend. And also, leeching into adulthood-providing support and expected to ‘parent’ even though their kids are grown adults. Not to mention 2 salaries are needed to live so there doesn’t seem to be time for relaxation. I really don’t mind if my grown kids never have their own children-doing ok as a parent doesn’t seem to be enough these days-you have to be perfect.

I preferred the baby and toddler stage which is why I had more than one i loved that staged but once they started school the nightmare began, im just hoping it gets better once they leave.

I had my second via ivf due to secondary infertility and while I was overjoyed and love him to bits I sometimes wonder why I was so desperate to have a second. It’s hard juggling two of them and especially because his sibling is a good bit older and I’ve very little time to myself now. I don’t have regrets but I will say I think there is a lot to be said for being “one and done”

No I don’t think it is, and mine are teens and it isn’t any easier so not sure I agree with people saying it’s easier, in fact I wouldn’t have kids again if I could have my time over just to never have to do the stress of the school run ever again I wish I knew how awful it would be. Makes me question life every morning tbh.

I never wanted kids and I’ve never understood what people get from it other than a lot of stress and worry, but there must be a reason people have them in the first place as
lots of people do it! I have no interest in kids days out and the kids parties and school runs, but some people love doing all that.

I liked my friends kids when they were babies and toddlers, but I really dislike the 4-10 stage. They are just so irritating to me now, whereas I loved seeing them when they were tiny. I like teenagers and I’m looking forward to them growing up.

Maybe you just don’t gel with this stage of their childhood?

nope I had my son age 19
there was a lot more help around then
financially
Decent social housing was very easy to get
benefits like tax credits you could stay on tIll your kids left education at 20 rather than 3 years old as it is now
As I only had 1 it was much easier lots of family help who lived close by

He went a bit of the rails at 14 -15 but he’s grown into lovely young man with his own house and partner and we live close by and see each and chat to each other regularly

This thread is bizarre. Toddlers and babies are really hard work but kids are delightful! My daughter is nearly 9 and is basically my favourite person in the world to hang out with. I feel huge pride at the things she can do (e.g
her music performances or watching her race up a climbing wall) and the person that she is. She wakes up early on a Saturday to write stories in her Ravenclaw journal, she solves equations for fun, she kicks my arse at chess, we build dens together in the forest - I can't imagine thinking that 2 years of nappy changes somehow wasn't "worth it". I'm sure the teenage years will have their trials, but the idea of a life without her in it is unthinkable.

I think not having children is a totally legitimate choice and makes a lot of sense. I can see why people do not want to do the work and don’t see the appeal.

I have three, soon to be four children. I’ve had them in two ‘cohorts’ so I have a 13 and 12 year old and a 2 and nearly newborn. My 13 and 12 year old have had their moments but overall been an absolute breeze, I’ve totally lucked out on their personalities so far. I dropped them at school this morning (because one needed to be in early for a school trip) and had so much pleasure just from spending that time with them in the car. I genuinely love their company.

My 2 year old is an absolute character and relentless, I don’t think it will be as smooth a ride but hopefully still enjoyable at least at times.

Being a mother of 3/4 across multiple age groups, working in a professional career, running a house and having a DH who is a doctor (shifts, exams, etc.) is genuinely relentless. Occasionally, it gets on top of me, but largely I feel joy every day.

Perhaps it is your current era of toddler plus baby or you have a more challenging personality to raise. Maybe it is the lack of time to feel like a person. I tend to feel I emerge as more myself again 2/3 years after each baby when there is a tiny bit of breathing room to brush my hair or think straight.

My best friend has a 4 year old who is incredible - bright, funny, spirited. However, she is desperately challenging and my best friend really struggles every day. She often asks my advice and I have to answer honestly that I have no idea, she is doing an incredible job, and I don’t know how she does it. I love this little girl to bits but I don’t think I’d enjoy being her mum.

So, I think enjoying it on a day-to-day basis is a mixture of your expectations for life vs reality, satisfaction with your life and gratitude/ perspective. However, the blend of your and your DCs’ personalities also contribute. Thankfully, these things are not set in stone and can shift with efforts to change perspective and maturity.

I hope you are able to access more support and time to yourself if it is what you need ❤️

Well you've had them now and can't send them back so make the most of the good bits and don't worry about what's going to happen in the future. You're building a relationship with them now that will help determine that and giving them a secure foundation will give them the best chance of success in the future

I have 18 yo twins, now at university.

The baby and toddler tears were brutal and seemed endless.

But my children were absolutely worth it. They are both lovely, intelligent, interesting people. The world is a better place for having them in it.

As far as I can see from the families I know, the effort you put in at the toddler years pays off in the teenage years.

So if you work really hard now to parent them well now, each year after that should become easier.

There are no guarantees of course, but there is no guarantee that a child free life would have been easier/better/nicer long term.

You will start feeling more like it’s “worth it” when they are in school and able to have a proper conversation with you. Before they go to school, you are working your arse off but you can’t really see or appreciate the result. When they are in school you get to see how much they are coming on and developing into people and it’s much more satisfying ime. You will probably feel more connected to the world and better supported too.
When they are able to hold a conversation and tell you things, make little jokes, start making you a Mother’s Day card or getting you a little birthday present by themselves, when they start to be considerate…then it starts paying off. The stage you’re at is thankless and can feel very alone. When I was at your stage in the height of it with pnd, a friend (actually a former teacher of mine) who had four teenagers told me it gets easier when they are able to give you something back. At the time I thought that sounded like a terrible, selfish thing to say but she was right.

Once you get through the horror years of wrangling them (in/out of bed, clothes, nappies, getting food down them, stopping them running into the road, etc) then hopefully you get to have a relationship with them. I had some great times with my DD when she was little.

But anyway, it's a relationship with people - like you have with friends and relatives - but different, because you've seen them grow up and guided them, and spent so much time and effort with them, and as teens and older they challenge you like no other relationship. For me, it was worth it, but it was hard, and demanding, and I am glad they've grown up.

Nk I don't care lol, I care about it, and I like question wndeted so.... ?? Do yeah full what and why not, if we up to it let's do it