To wonder if raising children is worth it?

In most cases, we’re products of our environment. Try not to worry too much if you are decent personable your kids will be around decent people, they will turn out just fine:)

It’s hardly unduly literal to query what ‘worth it’ means, as the OP seems to see it as related to whether the child goes off the rails as a teenager or maintains a relationship with their parents in adulthood.

I thought this as well, just reading it whilst having the best time with my two year old and 8 month old thinking holy shit am I going to feel like this at some point as well 😭

There are some very literal posters on here. This nitpicking over ‘worth it’ is so tedious to read. It is clear it means ‘is the hard work worth it in terms of the joy you get’ - it isn’t unreasonable to hope there’s something for you in it!

Sanctimonious bullshit.

I was always desperate to have children, really struggled to have them, and was so grateful when I did have them. I have really enjoyed being a parent to young children on the whole, though obviously there have been challenges along the way.

The thing that I regret not doing before having them though is opening my eyes and looking around me and realising that a hell of a lot of people either can’t stand their parents when they are adults themselves, or are resentful or indifferent towards their parents or are just waiting for their inheritance. I have encountered very few people in life who genuinely love spending time with their parents, and I don’t just mean within my wider family and friends I mean generally in life. Even reading threads on here, a lot of people resent their parents/in-laws or are looking for tips on how to protect their inheritence parents money. That’s the part that scares me about parenthood. That these people I love more than anything might turn their backs on me when they are adults. I think if that happened that would be the moment I would regret having children.

I have a 4 year old and a baby. Some days are so hard. I do often wish I could have carefree days in the spa or at the beach, to travel more with DH. But I also know those days lie ahead of me (I hope!).

I think the only advice I can give is try to enjoy this season for what it is. It goes by so quickly.

Do try to make sure you get a break. As a previous poster said you can't pour from an empty cup.

Work out what exactly is not working right now and change it.

I think it’s such a lottery because for many of us, we don’t necessarily think deeply about whether or when to have children. It’s just a very strong biological/hormonal urge. 🤷🏼‍♀️ For some of us, we’ll find we absolutely love being a parent. For others, not so much. But we don’t know until we’ve actually done it and then it’s too late to change our minds. And of course some parents get children with complex needs and problems which makes parenting a lot more challenging.

For me, it’s been a mixed bag. I nearly lost my mind multiple times when they were little. I’ve enjoyed it more as the years have gone by. I’m especially enjoying the adolescent years but that isn’t the case for parents whose child has gone off the rails in adolescence.

The idea of ‘worth it’ is interesting. It implies some reward for us. I’m not sure there’s supposed to be a reward for it- we’ve simply followed our biological urge. Being a parent can feel rewarding when things are going well and you feel like you have helped to create a good human being who is enjoying their life and benefitting the world. It feels a lot less rewarding at other times. 20 years of thankless grunt work is not rewarding.

At times I’ve regretted having my two, but that’s has nothing to do with it being ‘worth it’ for me- it’s because the world is an absolute shitshow, and I feel guilty for bringing them into it. (I was quite young when I conceived them. I was idealistic and optimistic and didn’t foresee how the future would look).

Maybe think on a bigger scale.

Will it ever be worth it individually? Who knows.. anything can happen.

But on a scale larger than individual families, yes it is worth it. Communities and societies need children. And allthough in the uk it is rarely framed this way anymore, because we all just potter along thinking about ourselves.. raising children is one of the most meaningful contribution that you can possibly make to your community, however large you define that.

Your effort is building the generation that will then take on the mantel and support all of us when we are older, and it is your and all the other parents unpaid labor that will, forge the future adults that all of us will need. Without them there is no society for us to grow old into, systems would collapse and we would all struggle and suffer. Being a parent really is a great contribution to society.

There is someone out there who chose not to have kids, (not people who couldn't) and although they will never admit it, their choice, as envious and free as it may seem to you now, is only possible because of the meaningful and countless hours of work of parents in raising the generation that the childless person needs to support them and keep society running when they are older.

So even if you cant see it as being worth it for yourself personally, on a broader and less individual persoective, it is absolutely worth it.

The OP has a three year old and a one year old; do you honestly think she’s never been to the park or a toddler group?

Hi OP, I didn't vote because I think you're entirely reasonable to feel this way right now, but I think (I hope!) that in a year or so when your eldest starts reception, things will feel quite different.

In the meantime, as others have said, try to take any offers of help that come your way; refill your own cup where you can. I was a SAHM to two boys under 2 and I do look back on that time and wonder how I did it (my DH worked long days so I was pretty much on my own from 7am - 8pm). If you are at home with them a lot, it can be boring. And frustrating. I used to plan even small outings (a walk to the park, half an hour sitting at the train station to watch the trains (I promise said boys are not total anoraks but I was desperate!), a walk into town for a babyccino). Anywhere with diggers / fire engines = free entertainment for ages! And of course, all the baby / toddler groups. As hellish as they can be, at least they get you out and ideally in the company of other like-minded people.

It was a slog. But I am now nearer the point where they will go away to Uni and I'm so glad I had the opportunity to grow them. They are good company. They are kind and funny and smart and they still hug me and I love seeing them as the people they are becoming, if that makes sense. I don't know what the next stage will be like but I wouldn't have missed out on this for the world. Good luck to you. Take care of yourself x

How could your mum make things better for you ,what could she do to improve the relationship..might give me some ideas ,as I'm lost and sad

When I had three littlies I love that too- found 2 under 2/3 the hardest phase.

I didn’t plan to have children but after falling pregnant unexpectedly I now have three. I love it so much and would never change a thing except to have started sooner. I dread them all leaving home
when I had 2 littlies I did find it really hard though but I have loved jt more as they got older.

I was a bloody awesome parent to one child. It’s a totally different ball game with two!

I feel you OP! It's relentless at that age. And these feelings can be difficult to talk about and deal with because it's not a decision you can reverse. But it's honestly true that time does change things. Now mine are a bit older it's so much more rewarding and joyful. Of course the teen years may be a challenge ahead but your current feelings aren't forever.

I felt like this when mine were three and one. And honestly it’s only recently I’ve started not feeling like I’m on the brink of a nervous breakdown with them together (they are nearly three and five …)

I regretted having two children for a long time to be honest. Not the child herself but I just hated having two children. It is hard and I do still feel spread very thin but I can feel it getting easier.

are you my Mum? This sounds exactly like her and the relationship we have. I’m sorry. I expect it’s hard for your daughter as well, it is for me.

Maybe start practicing not being a smarmy arse?

I wasn’t replying to her personally but to you for calling her awful.

For me, yes largely worth it. The baby/toddler days were hard (twins and a singleton). I loved the rest of it, but I am finding the young adult stage (now 21, 22) almost the most difficult...only because of the almost grief/pain of them leaving home and living their lives. Which of course every parents wants,and i am so proud of them, but I wasn't at all prepared for the reality, which is an emotional rollercoaster.....driving, travelling, university etc.

Do you have a second partner at home? Is he any good?

Her daughter is now 25 she said she's still waiting for the goods bits. After 25 years I don't think she'll have PND.

HOWEVER, I think pp have got very good points that policy makers all over the world should think about - expectations of parents are sky-high just when most family units have never worked so many hours out of the home combined with less extended family help (the days of having multiple non-working aunties to help are long gone) and the price of a suitable thee bedroom home, big enough for storage and living space, is a massive issue for people looking to decently and comfortably house their families.

I just met my 28 year old DD this morning and I just feel she doesn't like me ,or respect me ,or think I have any value in the world at all..
I was thinking of starting a thread myself as I feeling quite sad how our relationship is .
My problem was I tried to hard ..I put them first all the time ,I made myself unhappy to make them happy..and in her eyes it makes me look weak .
I don't know ..I definitely haven't got the answers