To wonder if raising children is worth it?

Definitely. I go to the theatre with my friends too..But it's different with my DD. Way more fun and meaningful. Also I don't really think of it as sacrificing 20 years. Because it's not as grim as that. From about the age of 5, my kids were great company. Then around teen stage, not such good company. Now again good company, but very busy

But I am not here to convince anyone. Everyone has a different path.

But I can do all those things with other adults without giving birth, raising another human and sacrificing a good 20+ years of my life 🫣

Nothing about it appeals to me in the slightest - I’d be overwhelmed within about 2 minutes 🤣

Same. I worked with children for a long time and although I enjoyed it it only cemented the fact that I didn't want my own.

It’s been great. Tough enough at times, particularly when he was a baby, as all our families are in our home country (DS was born in London), and we had to move while I was still on mat leave to a part of the country where we knew no one, so no childcare unless paid for, and then moved internationally again when he was 7 just before the first Covid lockdown, but good.

He’s about to turn 14, and a quirky, maddening, clever, lazy, loveable individual. It’s fascinating watching someone you made grow into their own person. I’m very glad I had him, but I was happy before and would have continued to enjoy my life had I stayed childfree, as I’d planned for my entire adult life (I had him at 40).

But, to go along with the ‘pay off’ idea (though I agree with pps it’s a slightly weird one), it’s more than ‘paid off’ so far. But my only expectation or hope was that parenting would be interesting, and it has been!

I think “pay off” is a weird concept here. It won’t “pay off” in terms of your child giving you some love/attention/time/performance that returns the energy/love/care/worry you have invested.

Having children is a lifestyle choice now. Unfortunately it is one that you can’t change your mind on! But life can be enjoyable with kids along for the ride. They’re mostly interesting, funny and kind and so they mostly add to life rather than take away from it.

My advice is to try and reframe the “pay off” sentiment though. It implies that this is a project or a phase and at the end there will be reward. It’s not like that at all - parenthood goes on forever. There is change, but not an end to it.

Try not to spend too much time wondering whether this lifestyle choice was the right one, because you can’t change it whatever you decide. Try to make life easier and more fun however you can in the phase you’re it. And know that everything will keep changing anyway because of time.

I was exactly the same! So glad I'm not the only one! Everyone else I've spoken to felt an urge, a need to have a child.

How has your experience been so far?

Those ages are so tough. Mine are 12 and 8 now and while there are different challenges such as navigating friendships, puberty etc, life is pretty sweet now. We’re not in the full blown teenage phase yet, the kids are great company and still want to do things with us, our oldest goes out with friends and organises his social life pretty much himself, our youngest will take himself off to the field behind us to play football. I love them so much and being able to provide a nice life and take care of them brings me great joy.

I can’t say if you will feel the same eventually but I very much hope you do.

I could explain but if you are happy as you are, carry on.
I will just say that discussing books and art we love and going to the theatre with my DD has been the high point of my life. Better than anything. So it's a long slog from the OPs stage. But for some of us, worth it.

As someone who doesn’t have children I personally don’t understand why anyone would put themselves through it all - it looks bloody miserable.

Why do you automatically presume that the unhappy mothers on here must necessarily have unhappy children? You're projecting your own experience. Some mothers are unhappy but not abusive and therefore still manage to raise well-adjusted children.

That is helpful..thanks.
I hope things improve for you ,how you need them to

Mine are 16 and 17 (18 in three weeks). I was comparing notes with my old NCT pals and a lot of them said they found the teenage years the hardest. But I definitely found ages 2-7 the hardest. My son was hyperactive when he was young and I joke that I didn’t sit down for five years. But they are genuinely a joy to be around these days and the teenage years have been ok (bar GCSEs which are hideous). Look after yourself, use friends and family, pay for some childcare, go back to work, whatever you have to do to make the balance tip in your favour. Good luck.

After DD was born l was devastated that l couldn't have another baby (early menopause) but now she is 14 l am glad l only have her as l have got both time and money to spend. If l'd have had a second l think l would have been stretched too thinly and could have a totally different stance on it all.

I think this is going to happen to me. Indeed, already happening. I am trying to build a life outside them

No regrets here with my three grown ones although it was HARD when they were that age. I had twins and a toddler. 3.5 was the sweet spot so you just have a couple of hard years to go before that small child stuff becomes so much easier.

I do often feel incredibly relieved that mine turned out healthy and happy. (So far). It’s such a massive gamble having children. Parenting is massively important but also just luck.

None of mine think they will have children and I’m fine with that. The boy has an autistic long term GF who would really struggle and they plan to remain child free. The girls want to work and travel and remain single! Among my adult nephews and nieces they appear quite similar. Only two babies between 6 of them over 30.

If you decide not to have children then you definitely won't have grandchildren. Mine give me huge joy. I accept we're all different.

This thread is so depressing! And a true indication that you get such a weirdly skewed response.

I love having kids, always have. I wanted them, but I wouldn't say I was desperate to have them - I had a great life before then and remember thinking 'well if it doesn't happen that's fine because I've got it pretty good without'. But I did end up having 2 and even though I miss loads of aspects of my old life I wouldn't change having them for the world.

I love being with them, they're nice kids. I can't imagine thinking they weren't 'worth it'. What does that even mean? Did you have them with a specific goal in mind where they'd benefit you?

I honestly don't think I'll be missing much by being a grandparents. Looking at grandparents today, it seems that they aren't allowed any of the fun aspects of it anyway.

You only have to look at threads here to see grandparents are expected to provide multiple days a week of childcare, school pick ups and drop offs in their retirement ages. Any suggestion they might want to spend their retirement on holidays is deemed selfish and means they won't receive any help from their own children in their old age. Furthermore their time with their grandchildren is micromanage by their children in terms of food, sleep and activities they do.

I've found the younger years hard. If I was expected in my older age to be doing it all again, it'll be a no thanks from me.

Nobody can tell you that, unfortunately. I have friends whose kids are no contact, suffering from addiction issues, mental health issues. Some who have moved to the other side of the world.

I have some friends who are still close to the adult children, although they are slightly fewer and further between. Unfortunately, you don’t have children to create a friend for your adult life. I

you chose to bring them into the world though, so you have to bring them up to the best of your ability!

I'm been there done that , and they are adults with their own children so are having busy lives like many of you .
On reflection was it worth it ?
From a selfish point of view , no not worth it .
They had to move away for work , met someone , moved further away so I barely see them as they are raising their own and juggling work whilst living their own life .
I'm proud of that of course , and happy they have a good & happy life . But ( and I know it's unreasonable of me to think this ) they have little time for me and I don't hear from them very often .
My calls often go unanswered or my what's app messages not opened so I do try to contact before anyone says it's a 2 way street .

I found the early years awful, mines always had a terrible temper, her tantrums were epic. I look back at the pictures now and she was so bloody cute (people literally used to stop me in the shops to tell me, so she was definitely objectively adorable). But I was so unhappy, I really regretted having her, she didn’t sleep and she was utterly feral.

As she’s got older she’s still feral but the love has grown and she makes up for her very trying personality by being really bloody funny. Is it worth it? I don’t know, my marriage has taken a battering, I’m tired, her temper is still there, very strong willed, getting through one day with her is exhausting, I feel utterly drained by the end of the day. I’m barely on speaking terms with my husband at the moment after having a really great relationship (he’s an excellent dad, so it’s not because he’s dodging DD etc).

But yeah she’s worth it still, would I have been happier day to day if I hadn’t had her? Yeah probably, I’d weigh less, my body wouldn’t look and feel shambolic, I’d have more energy, my DH and I would probably be happier, the person on here who said having kids is like having your heart walking around outside your body was right in my case, everything that makes her feel sad feels like someones stabbed me in the stomach. But she’s also the great love of my life. Maybe one day she’ll really make me regret having her (I expect she will, she really is a handful).

This is a really bizarre statement. Do you have any statistics to back this up because even a quick Google told me that family members are more likely to be the ones who are perpetrators of abuse.

And I work in elderly social work and certainly the vast vast majority of safeguarding cases we see are usually financial and committed by family members. We do not have waves of people being abused because they don't have family.

I had 2 DDs in my early twenties and found it pretty easy. I was quite laidback and so were they. Plus I had so much energy/ could handle the poor sleep. Aside from maybe 3/4 years in teens they were a joy to raise and are both wonderful adults who I’m close to.
I had a son in my late thirties who has reflux/ allergies, slept terribly and is autistic with developmental delays. I’ve found it so hard and exhausting and now I’m in menopause, have my own health conditions but DS requires a lot of support and patience.
I see a lot of women in their mid thirties plus struggling with young children

That is so interesting are your's boys by any chance ? Dd was the sweetest, easiest toddler I struggle to remember 1 tantrum. Between 14-16 she was a hell raiser. At 19 she is back to being wonderful. DS was much harder work as a pre-school child but gave me no trouble at all as a teenager. Infruriates me as an adult.

My children are an absolute joy. There have been tricky times and it’s fair to say the older they are the worries never go away but just change.
They are my favourite people on the planet.
My sister and best friend have not had children and have no regrets.
I was just very relaxed with my children and definitely picked my battles!