To wonder if raising children is worth it?

Honestly overall no I don't think most children are worth the stress of parenting.

I love mine but I wouldn't ever choose to have children again if I could start all over, no.

It's obviously personal to you. I was desperate for kids, it was what I can only describe as a biological urge. Yes of course it's challenging. Everything worth doing is. Maybe that's why pregnancy and childbirth is so long and such hard work. So we appreciate them when they arrive and are properly invested!

Ok it's the 👉 not, probably not good but actually alright 😆 unfortunately the test isn't correct, we'd like the opposite, thankyou ♥️

OP the stage you are in is exhausting and all-consuming! I didn’t regret my children at any point but I did find it so hard. It is now much easier and I get to be my own person again. It’s hard now, but as they grow up try not to neglect your own needs and wants. It makes it far easier to be a good mum if you’re not resentful about it!

What is it about her being this age that you find difficult where you still feel regret about having her?

This thread is so depressing!

I think having children is mostly really over rated tbh. Mine are adult now and just lovely, but hell it would have been so different, so much easier and absolutely fine not to have had them. Especially since they are now both having struggles earning enough money to actually live on.

Most parents would say it is. Especially once they are adults.

I'm with @TheoreticallyAdult

I think being a parent to adult children can be harder because now there is no naughty step and they do what they like. Mine were sensible but one of my colleagues children gave her merry hell and he has been to prison twice amongst other stuff. They had the on paper a perfect childhood, lots of money, private school etc.

Nothing can give so much joy or pain as children, my DD dying is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life and any other stress or unhappiness is just nothing.

I think that's a fair question. I never planned to have a child, and when i had one at 40, it was because I thought it might be interesting. He's now 13 going on 14 and currently in a spectacularly cantankerous phase, but it's definitely interesting watching someone you made grow up and change. I'm not sure I understand the 'Is it worth it?' thing. What would make it worth it? When would you have to decide?

I love my kids to death and get so much joy
from them. But at the same time, it’s relentless, expensive and exhausting. I totally get where you’re coming from and understand why people choose not to have kids.

For some it is, some it isn't.

For me, it really is. I wanted my son so much and I am still so amazed I got to have him. I love him so much, I love parenting him so much. We've chosen to stop at one because I know a second would tip us from thriving to barely surviving, which isn't what either of us want.

For my mother, when I was a teen she told me the biggest piece of advice she could give me in life is to not have children. She said it just wasn't worth it. I understood what she meant, we had a wonderful relationship and she was an incredible mother, but I know she struggled massively with my older siblings who went properly off the rails in their teen years and beyond (prison, drugs, abuse, etc.). But I think she would have been much happier with a childfree life, given her interests. However in her day and age she was married with a child by 21, before she probably even really know who she was or what she wanted. I'm in favour of people delaying parenthood until/unless they're completely certain it's what they want, and they feel ready.

I have met quite a few people who've just had their first then sleepwalked into a second because it's just 'the done thing', to the massive detriment of everyone in the family for a very long time. You're not alone in regretting parenthood. Many do.

I get where you are coming from but for many I think children are their greatest achievement but also their biggest challenge. Huge rewards at a huge cost. Personally I think it's absolutely worth it and would have been utterly devastated not to have them.

Please please never tell her this. My mum told me she regretted having children and quite honestly it devastated me to the point I think about it a lot.

My eldest is nearly 20, middle 15 and youngest almost 14. Your feelings are entirely valid and understandable. I’ve literally just got off the phone to my 20 year old ranting about my 15 year old but then my 20 year old reminded me how she used to scream at me aged 15 she hated me she also had toilet issues until she was 12 and that was a whole other ball game. Life goes up life goes down and it will continue to do so. Make sure you take time for yourself be nice to yourself and know you are most definitely not in a minority with your feelings x

What do you mean by 'pay off' and worth it?

Like other posters on the thread I am childfree and nothing about pregnancy, labour or parenting appeals one iota.

Something about it must have appealed to you, to have had two kids, so hold onto that. Cultivate a life outside of parenting, too.

I can tell you that it’s definitely worth it for me. I sat on a terrace in Florence watching the sun go down and sharing a bottle of red wine on his big birthday last year. We share interests and values. He’s one of my closest friends and my life would be poorer without him in it.

What do you mean by worth it and pay off eventually? Those are odd terms to use about having children.
I knew I didn't want any because I hated the thought of pregnancy and birth and never felt that primal urge some women talk about.

I can’t relate to this at all. I have a toddler and it’s hard balancing everything but it’s never, ever felt ‘not worth it.’ I can’t imagine regretting having her. She’s the best choice I’ve made, and I’ve done some great things!

Maybe find time to practice gratitude?

I’m childfree, but that’s not so much because I don’t think raising children is “worth it” and have actively made a decision not to bother, and more that I’ve simply never experienced any maternal desire or urge to have a child and therefore there’s been no decision to make. From the outside it does look like an often thankless and unenjoyable gig, but I assume the love (most) parents feel mitigates that.

I think the idea that the effort might not be worth it because DC could turn out to be awful people or decide not to have a relationship with you when grown is a fairly downbeat way of looking at it, but obviously reflects that you’re currently at two very difficult age stages which can be tough. They become more independent and develop personalities and interests of their own. I have a now 12-year-old goddaughter and whilst I admit the toddler and early schoolie years had more than their share of tedium in terms of spending time with her, she’s now (and for has been for the last couple of years) an absolute joy and a delight who I can talk with and listen to and appreciate her opinion and ambitions and values.

I think the fact that you’re actively thinking about the future and doing your hardest to actively parent and put effort into raising your children indicates you’re probably not going to raise awful children or have them completely abandon you once they turn 18.

The parenting part gets easier as they get older. They can communicate and help. Whether it‘s worth it to you at some point, unfortunately nobody can say, but to me it‘s certainly improved my life more than it‘s complicated it.

Wanted children but couldn’t have them. I’m ok with that now, more than ok really.

OP, hang on in there, I don’t think going off the rails as a teenager is inevitable, my DN now 17 is a delightful young man (though I suppose he still has time!). Even if that does happen they’ll more than likely get back on, this has happened with a friend’s daughter.

What exactly do you mean by ‘worth it’, though?

I have a dd17 who is ND with menal health issues and an eating disorder . It is hard. My dd is more draining than most at that age.
It was harder when she was younger in some ways. But now it is different issues. I don't regret having her one bit. But it isn't easy and there is a reason I stuck at one.