To wonder if raising children is worth it?

You're very much in the thick of it now OP! I found mine to be much less like hard work as they got to primary age.

I never understand on these threads why they descend into people arguing with each other and challenging people's own experiences. There's no universal experience in life and that applies to motherhood and parenting.

Some people don't want kids and lead happy meaningful lives without them.

For some people, having kids has brought meaning into their lives and they can't imagine their lives without kids.

Some people struggle with one kid.

Some people find parenting easy with four kids.

Some people thought they wanted kids and then regret them.

Some people regret not having children.

All these view points are valid. It's fine to want kids and love it, it's fine to not want kids and love your life without them and it's also fine for most of us in the middle who love our kids but have hard days a lot of the time.

I had a similar childhood, emotional neglect and lack of love but instead of anger my mum used to dish out silence on a daily basis. It was soul destroying her not talking to me after school, never asking me questions. Always siding with my friends, never wanting to get to know me. I have children of my own now and I bend over backwards to give them as much emotional support as I can but it is exhausting, especially as I am doing it without having been shown it / doing it without having had the love given to me in the first place. Sometimes I am so tired i could drop. But I love my children with everything I have and will continue to do it x

My kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, they are not easy kids by a long stretch but I'd choose them again in every lifetime.

Yes I do 🙄 at that bloodline talk - you’re not Heny VIII love

Exactly. Genes are meaningless to me. You don't pass on your personality/character/mind to your children. The only thing that really happens is your kid might look a bit like you and be short-sighted (thanks mum!) or share their parents propensity towards high blood pressure or other health problems. I think spreading your genes or legacy having any kind of meaning at all is a lie parents tell themselves to cope.

Absolutely 😂 ‘legacy’.

Not sure why I’d lie about this - I have considered it only insofar as putting a decent amount into a pension because it’s the “right” thing to do, however genuinely not any further. Until this moment I have never thought about whether I might one day need care or whether my children will visit. I am quite young and my parents both died before retirement age. I truly do not spend my days considering my own demise and don’t think it’s unusual tbh 🤷🏽‍♀️

I mean this kindly: you’re probably just parenting a much, much easier child, temperamentally. Everyone I know who has one or more trickier ones in their brood (including me) has had this OP’s thought more than once, even fleetingly.
You lose so much when you have children; easily as much as you gain. It’s normal to grieve the lost parts of yourself as well as be proud of your children/your new skills.

Agree totally. And with regards to "people get to a stage when they want something 'more' than just doing things for themselves."....

a lot of childfree people do things for other people/orgs/charities/societies/communities..... as if having children is the only way to "give back?!"

to that I say give over! 😂

It should get easier. The vast majority of childten turn into nice enough people.

My children are autistic and very hard work, one in specialist sen school. It is very hard day to day but I haven't ever truly regretted them.

Even though we have some very dark days I keep faith that they will grow into good people and fulfil their individual potential.

I’m not bothered about the legacy thing either. Re passing on genes, your “line” could come to an end in a few generations anyway…

My DD is 19 and at uni and its costing a lot!! (but not a reason to regret having her)

For me, the first 5 ish years were really really tough with sleep deprivation and a certain amount of cabin fever/relentlessness (I suffered with pnd after dc2 and my mum died when they were 4 and 1) but after that , so far, ive predominantly enjoyed parenting. And i find my teens good company but im lucky they are healthy and so far, not had major issues but I realise things can change.

I hope i never feel they weren't worth it, I think that sounds really tough for the parent and the child.

A couple of generations down the line and nobody will remember you anyway.
I work hard for myself and my animals and various animal charities will benefit from my money when I die.

I don’t need children to feel like my life is meaningful.

Mine are early 20s. They are essentially lovely but struggle with their mental health don’t hasn’t been easy. Covid in their teen years was awful.
i still prefer this stage to early parenthood, which was relentless.
They say ‘bigger kids, bigger problems’ - but then logistically it’s much easier, they don’t need you every minute of the day etc.

For me it isn't about legacy, or what mark I leave on the world or what I leave behind, who will remember me etc....

For me my purpose is enjoyment of the time I have here. I just enjoy my life, have a lovely time doing all the things that make me happy and don't need to leave a legacy or be remembered. Life really is that simple for some.

DH and I have spent some of happiest years with our two - they were easy interesting lovely dds who enjoy what we do. Have had so many trips and experiences with them. We are lucky though in that we all four get on well anyway. Some friends have kids who are just really different to them it’s often the luck of the draw.

Parenting is really tough. I have 9yo and 4yo sons. They are funny, incredibly bright, curious and beautiful little people - honestly. But they bicker, can be rude, moody, messy, ungrateful and loud. Sometimes I take the bad with the good and cruise through.... other days I shout and moan and nag. We're all human.

It can feel utterly relentless when everything is a battle - bedtime, bathtime, homework etc. It does get easier as they grow up (9yr old is generally far easier than 4yo for example) and they do become better company and you can begin to have shared interests, so you like them on a more personal level than simply the biological 'I'm their mum' feelings. My 9yo now comes running with me, and the other day we'd had a horror morning of him melting down about doing his homework, me nagging about the mess and then suddenly we were both out running and I felt just super proud and amazed that this boy is my son. Meanwhile, my 4yo is going through a stage of being a bit of dick... so its swings and roundabouts!

You're in the thick of it now. It gets better.

You seem very insistent on telling me how much of an impact having a child must have on my life, when I’m the one who is the parent, and I’m telling you that not that much has changed from the 20-odd years of adult life where I was childfree.

Obviously, it would be different if I had lots of children, or was a single parent, or if DS had significant additional needs or a serious illness or we were struggling financially, and obviously it was more time-consuming when he was a baby, but my life as it has been for the last several years is far less confined than that of friends who have pet animals.

I travel for work and go on holiday much as before. Since the age of seven, he’s not attended a school with a uniform. We don’t live in the UK and there’s much less of a taboo on taking children out of school in termtime for holidays, so that’s not a constraint. It’s been years since he needed childcare, and our jobs are flexible enough to have needed fairly minimal amounts of it. I breastfed, so no formula. Friends passed on clothes from their children when he was small. Now he’s a teenager, he lives in repellent but inexpensive tracksuit bottoms etc. He goes to a school we can almost see from home, so no lengthy school runs.

I have friends with pets who almost never go away because of the cost of kennels or pet sitters, and friends dealing with prohibitive vet bills. I have a good friend who can’t be absent from home for more than about three hours because her nervy dogs go barky and crazy. If she goes away for a weekend it’s always to the same holiday cottage because it suits the dogs. Other friends are up at 5.30 year round because their dogs need a long walk before they go to work. And that’s not even mentioning the ones with horses.

At the moment for me, having a pet would be far more constraining than having a teenager.

It depends what you consider worth spending your money on. I'm not saying there aren't additional costs. There are additions costs to almost anything you choose to do.

Omg I would love to move to Iceland and wear orange all year. Amazing place and loads of fun!

Your children are very very young. Mine are almost 20 years older and I would 100% say it was worth it for me personally because having kids was one of my main life objectives/desires. However, if I was now making the decision whether to have kids, I wouldn’t necessarily do it. It’s hard to get basics these days in the UK - healthcare is hard to access, our educational standards are low with way too many kids per class and burnt out staff, housing is expensive and/or poor quality and graduate jobs are in low supply. The place my DH works at has just announced that they won’t take any graduates this year. None.

Neither of my kids intend to have their own children. Unless you have a heavy biological urge, it is not worth it.

This makes me so sad, as a CF woman. I suppose it's natural to find outings with your kids as way more fun and meaningful than with your friends, but ouch.

(You might say that I could have had kids, but being CF was not a choice for me. I could not make myself want them, in the same way that you probably couldn't make yourself want to move to Iceland and wear orange all year, no matter how much you tried.)

I am so sorry. I was responding to the OP because she sounds very depressed as if she can't see any purpose to her children. Of course there are many ways to find meaning from life. But the OP does have these young children and it's a shame she can't see what she has.

Replies like this make me feel slightly nauseous 🫣🤣