Holiday dilemma - SEN children and PIL

Cruise. Honestly. I wish I’d discovered them years ago. They’re the perfect compromise and you can still have your culture and fab food. My SEN kids love it.

I know the OP has made a decision but in general well meaning is ''Here is the plan I would really love it if you can ll come along"" that is a lovely thing to suggest not throwing a tantrum or putting on waterworks and trying to guilt trip because you want your own way

Since they do sound well meaning, perhaps what you said above is worth saying to them? Whether consciously or not they are trying to impose their dream of what grandparenting would be like, and haven't accepted the reality is different.

Perhaps if you tell them you understand, this isn't what you imagined either, but you need to deal with the reality not pick up the pieces when their fantasy creates disaster with DSR. Acknowledge the loss but say they can still share holidays with accommodations. If MIL still won't budge then that's on her.

I will not holiday with any one who tries to guilt trip me, a holiday it meant to be a mutual thing not some control thing, if they were they that nice they would understand

and no you dont have to suck it up because well you dont have to pay

I do feel for you
Could you holiday in parallel? So the same location but you, DH and your DSes in a bland AI place and your in-law’s in a place with character down the road and different members of your family meet up with them depending on the plan for the day. If it’s a few hours on the beach, it might be something you do together; if it’s a trip to a castle, it might be that your DH and DS1 go; if it’s the middle of the week, it might be that DS1 is in need to a slump day as well as DS2

I think your PIL are being very uncompromising. They want you all to go but only on their terms. Surely at this stage they must know that huge accomodations have to be made for your son . Thanks for asking but the kind of holiday you want just doesnt work well for DSR. And let your DH be the one to discuss it with them.

That makes it a lot harder. Both my parents and my in laws have been happy to go to the AI hotel with the beige buffet as they have realised how much easier it makes our lives.The hilarious thing is that my parents have started going AI when they go on their own as well. It seems once you have had 24 hour free tea and coffee (my mum is a massive tea drinker and my dad has Nescafé running through his veins 😂) then you don’t want to give it up. 😂

Cross posted. This would be the perfect solution imo

Why don’t you both book separate accommodation? They get the period properties they like and you can do an AI then meet up for suitable activities.

Is it possible to stay in different accommodation but near each other and have times when you all meet up and other times when you are just your family of 4. When DS was younger we did this, so we had some holiday with GPs and other times just us (and they had some quieter time without young DC running around)

Just be firm about not going and why. Don’t feel any guilt about it either. They are good grandparents so should be understanding.
I too have autistic children and made the mistake of going to many activities and trips that were unsuitable, just to keep the peace. Poor dc would be overwhelmed and me and dh would just have a crap time and end up exhausted and resentful. Despite how good family and friends were they just didn’t get it and that’s not their fault but it’s difficult none the less.
The final straw was recently when a family member complained to everyone that we were late to dinner (we didn’t miss the meal start time but they wanted picking up right on time to have a pre dinner drink) we were late because dc had a meltdown due to all the rushing and upheaval of trying to prepare for an unsuitable dinner venue. I tried to explain why we were late but everyone just joked about it or were annoyed. Never mind that we arrived already flustered and exhausted, while they had a chilled drink. I decided then that I’m not doing that anymore and il only do things that are suitable and less hard work. If people can’t accept that then so be it, if they cared they would understand.

You dont need to go on a holiday because someone wants you too and certainly not regularly, isnt the point of as holiday it works for everyone?

OP, I 100% feel the pain as I have my own DSR 😂

I think maybe you need to have a frank discussion with them, obvs whilst laying it on thick about how much you would love to go, however DSR would end up costing you hundreds if not thousands in breakages making it a very expensive trip etc etc.

the posters saying ‘you’ve obviously made your mind up about not going’ should probably walk a mile in our shoes whilst paying for breakages along the way before they judge. It’s incredibly stressful to put yourself in that situation and it wouldn’t be a break for you at all which by the sounds of things is what they are (very kindly) trying to do for you.

a lovely idea but not practical unfortunately xxx

That sounds really hard. I think you are doing the best you can in offering alternatives. You sound like you would like to go IF it won't cause you more stress than it is worth.

What's your DH's role in all this? As it's his parents if you decide the trip doesn't work for you as a family he should be the one to communicate that I would think, so you're not the bad guy.

So where did you stay with them last year?

Sounds like you already decided you not going whatever anyone suggests