Holiday dilemma - SEN children and PIL

As the mother of a darling rhino son I totally get where you are coming from! Managing him at home where you have rhino proofed as best you can does not help as they can't see how difficult it will be to manage him outside of these safe surroundings. All you can do is keep trying to educate them about the difficulties and hope they get it and change plans accordingly

Another vote for CP. as an almost 80 year old, its been great for us for three generation holidays. So much for the children to do, little in the accommodation to damage, lots of different food offerings. We have stayed in various types of accommodation, last couple of times we didn’t share, we had our own apartment, but met up in the biggest lodge in the evenings. Could be a solution?

Your MIL is living in a fantasy. I think your husband need to really spell out the reality as you have described it above. If she won't compromise then there is absolutely no need for you to feel guilty for protecting yourself and your children from harm.

Wh6 can you go but stay seperate. ? I would suggest Malta, cheap and cheerful resort for you that meets your needs and boojie place for them. Meet up for dinner, plenty of McDonald's and other familiar dining options and the adults can have dinner once the kids are in bed using hotel babysitter

Yeah she's being dramatic, so dramatic shes prepared to cause all this fuss. Ruin the 80th, miss out in a trip... all for the sake of being dramatic! Or maybe she just knows her son better then you do. Always easy for others to judge...

If I had gone on a cruise ship when my autistic son was eight, he would have been over the side. I needed four high walls and no drowning risks.

As the mum of two kids with ASD, I feel that lots of people just don’t get it. They never will. It feels there is no point in trying to explain to some people. They will tell themselves that it’s nothing a bit of discipline wouldn’t resolve or too much screen time or any old bullshit. Lots of people are extremely uncomfortable with our domestic ASD realities and there is zero point in trying to explain. The more you explain, the more they just don’t get it and they will imagine that it’s a problem with you.

Center parcs has been good for our holidays.

Your son will probably be overstimulated with people he doesn’t know and in an environment he isn’t familiar with. And this will be 24/7. The tiny breaks you get during the day in your own home while he watches a screen/favourite for five minutes etc might not happen. Older relatives often demand the TV or drop tablets etc and have no idea where they have dropped them. And you cannot carry out risk assessments from here on the place they are going to let - ie climbable balconies (flashbacks to the massive open window on the 15th floor in the children’s bedroom of our hotel in Spain, where my climber son was meant to sleep. I wanted to vomit when I saw this). And then there are the BFDs (big family dinners) where staple diets of chicken nuggets are often overlooked. Because children will eat anything if they are hungry enough.

It is up to your DP to sort it with his parents. They will get over it if they are nice people. And you can do something lovely before they leave or after they get back in your house. You can decorate the place and make a big splash wining and dining them, with a nice cake and nice food, while your DS goes off to his room happily watching his shows with his own toys around him.

I've 2 autistic DS, younger also with ADHD. This wouldn't have been a suitable holiday for DS2, in any way shape or form. You're not being unreasonable at all, holidays aren't meant to increase your stress levels. PIL need to accept it, even if they don't understand it.

Could DH go with DS1 for a long weekend while they're over there as a compromise? And then you get a weekend off from looking after the wee one another time?

Could you stay in different accommodation and then you can meet up?

Would somewhere in the UK work? Self catering?

I’d say that’s not suitable for dgc were are going to book xyz would you like to come with us?

Rubbish. I’ve lived with a child with ASD - in fact two - and this poster is not being remotely dramatic. In fact she is underplaying how stressful this is.

Can’t believe some of the responses you have got OP. Some people just don’t have a clue. If I were in your shoes I would absolutely not go unless it’s somewhere your DSR would enjoy and be happy. If they won’t compromise then you can’t go. It’s that simple.

Normally any post to do with the inlaws has posters responding leave your dh to it and normally I very much disagree. I think it's important to be able to speak directly to inlaws and cultivate your own relationship with them as a dil. However, this is one occasion where you have already explained the difficulties you are likely to encounter,offered up solutions and yet they still can't meet you half way. I think you have done more than enough to placate them but now I would just hold firm and let your dh deal with them.

What about the Caribbean or similar, some hotels have a variety of catering where there are restaurants from many countries / cultures along with the beige buffet style restaurant too, plus many excursions to chose from? I think we went to I’ve from the Melia group, they had French, Mexican, teppenyaki, Italian, Asian, and many more to chose from

Having my own DSR, I think you're a hero for having taken him abroad already. Don't agree to this, it'll be monumentally stressful for you and when it all goes wrong your PIL will be upset, ruining the experience for them anyway. That has been my experience, everyone doing sad face and saying 'what a shame' if I say something is unsuitable and then I relent and they are horrified when it all kicks off.

I think you need to lay out requirements and if they can meet it, great, if not, nope.

My parents like to take us to a cottage every year and thankfully they let us take over booking last year and stopped pushing communal meals.

And I totally get why it would be you with DS. My higher needs son picks me for situations like vacations or big outings usually. His dad is his favourite for somethings, but if he’s overwhelmed DH can only handle him by carrying him whereas I’ve developed other strategies because I can’t carry a 6yo very far.

could You say things like the reason our holiday worked was X reasons. And DSR has X requirements in order to be happy whilst away. It is exhausting for me looking after him without X needs being met so we would not be able to join you unfortunately

@Cornishclio it's really nice to read this from a grandparent.

It does sound like a no. I can see a way through to convincing them that they are just putting too many conditions to make it workable but actually I don't think getting them to compromise to make a holiday that is just about bearable for you is really in anyone's interest. There is a real risk you will all come out of it feeling a bit resentful.

My advice is let DH & DS go, but seriously, book yourself something else another time too, while DH runs the household. I go away in term time so DH has the structure of school to help him get through the days. It'll be great for you.

I would recommend your DH use words like"we can't", rather than "we don't"t want to". Because I think that is what yo uate describing.

Let dh go with one of the kids. Your priority is your kids and clearly their priority is the special birthday. I get both sides.

I think she will have to accept some compromise, if she wants everyone to go. Book your own accommodation that suits your child. Do the activities that you can, and sit out the ones that don't. I know you said it won't be much of a break for you, but id still go, with that very realistic view: it isn't a break for you. But it might still be worth doing? In a way that suits you, not just doing everything exactly as MIL wants. We went on holiday with in laws, 2 of my 4 children were still preschool age. It was an enormous amount of work for me and I had to sit some things out, but my children enjoyed themselves and there are some lovely memories (and some stressful ones that are now funny stories). If your husband can stand up to her insisting that it all be a certain way, and he can ensure that sometimes it's him staying back with your youngest so you can do some things too, it might be worthwhile.

That must be awkward but you know your DS needs best and it sounds like what they want won’t work for him. If they aren’t willing to be flexible with accommodation and go for AI hotel if you think that would work then I can’t see you can do anything other than you already suggested. We do private villa holidays with our family and we have 2 ASD grandchildren.

Why only you What about your DH

No you are not unreasonable.

Your priority is your family. Your DSR sounds like he would be hugely hyper sensitised, over whelmed and stressed by the food and holiday set up that MIL is fantasying about. Your DSR doesn’t need this environment to keep a delusional and frankly quite an insensitive MIL happy - where has she been the last 13 / 8 years. Her ‘upset’ is quite controlling and bizarre. How has she no idea what you endure.

So your DSR is top trump - never put any struggling child in a situation to artificially appease someone else.

This would also be detrimental to your older DS as all attention would be focused on walking on eggshells and then there would be the inevitable chaos and meltdown which will likely trigger him. Then you and your DH would be in despair.

So no, a good mother is not being unreasonable here - you need to advocate to prevent your DSR not to be exposed to harmful environments.