Holiday dilemma - SEN children and PIL

I love the way you described your DS. My 5 year old has SEN and can be like this, he’s a force to be reckoned with at times! So I completely understand. We do visit museums and galleries still but have to keep him close at all times and do the tight wrist hold which I believe most SEN parents will understand! Also understand why AI makes most sense with the beige buffets. We went on one last year and my DS just ate chips and strawberry ice cream all week, cake for breakfast.

If they’re totally inflexible and unwilling to stay in different accommodation then screw it, they’ll have to go alone and you can have a better holiday without them.

Her children’s safety is paramount. Her own physical health and mental health is also paramount. And you cannot live life around someone being eighty and not getting this time back. You could have a lovely time another weekend or day, relaxing at home and celebrating & making the birthday special without putting your own blood pressure through the roof and endangering your child’s safety.

You really have no idea what you are talking about.

You and in all of you? I don’t think PP was saying OP needs to compromise. Compromise involved both people adjusting things

OP, would Tresco be a suitable destination for your family?

They could stay in the hotel and you could take one of the cottages/apartments.

https://www.tresco.co.uk/

I suspect in the past people simply opened their front doors and the kids ran riot all over the streets with the other local kids. This was the older generation’s experience of everyday parenting. And that was for neurotypical children.

Now, with children who are on the spectrum, we couldn’t possibly deal with life like this. The difference in parenting experiences is pretty vast.

And people really don’t get it anyway until they have this parenting experiencr. Even relatives/friends of mine, who are special needs specialists, have a limited understanding of what’s practical and what’s not.

You’re being a bit OTT.

Discuss a compromise with them? Sit down together and look at things?

How about MIL offers a compromise?

You need to work out a compromise. Your MIL is 80 - you can’t get this time back.

I feel you! Similar situation - only we live miles/hours and hours away from PILs so don't have the same close relationship/any help.

However - they are v generous when it comes to holidays. However - they're rarely child friendly - and like you, we have an ASD 4yo. Not a baby rhino - but very big meltdowns... needs constant attention OR a TV.

I get very worked up about these holidays as although generous and coming from a "good place" - they are so far from what works for us. We had a v successful holiday with my own family last year - but as the parents to two small children, we chose the location and villa and it worked perfectly. But we also paid our share...

The PIL on the other hand - want to pay for us all (v helpful!!) but the caveat is that they choose the location- naturally. Be nice to be a part of this conversation aged 38 as a mother of two... but that's not the case. Causes me so much stress.

So yes - I get you - you're not being unreasonable, but why oh why are these conversations and decisions so hard to have and to make! Really hope I'm a very open MIL/grandparent if I get to become one down the line and remember how bone achingly exhausting parenting small children/children with additional needs was!

I agree with everyone else- I have 4yo twins and DT1 is non verbal, on the autistic pathway and has learning difficulties. We’ve had some lovely holidays with extended families, but it works best with separate accommodations and/or flexible schedule for activities etc. The family are happy to go along with family friendly accommodation. We mostly do our own thing in the daytime and meet for dinner later on, leaving earlier for the kids’ bedtime.

It sounds like your PILs have curated this perfect image in their minds and are disappointed you won’t go along with it. It’s such a shame they’re unwilling to compromise, so many holiday destinations have something for everyone.

I love the baby rhino description! I think my DT1 was a golden retriever in a former life.

Because we had a successful holiday abroad last year (our first one) she thinks it’s all systems go.

Did MIL go on this holiday?

Is she offering to pay for this holiday?

I would get DH to tell her that if she wants this holiday:

• it has to be at a place chosen by you and DH
• you and DH choose the accomodation type
• you and DH decide if you have a separate accomodation unit
• you and DH decide the itinerary for you and for your kids

If she says no, then the holiday doesn’t go ahead.

Frankly even expecting NT 13 and 8 year olds to enjoy the type of holiday she proposes would be a punt. I'm not saying none do, one of mine would like some of this, but it would be very much within the range of normal for kids that age to spend the whole week moaning/refusing to engage also.

I think this is an issue whenever people invite others with small/Sen children on holiday - it’s not a holiday for YOU, you’re just there to wrangle the kids and facilitate everyone else having a nice time and spending time together. Only to be told ‘what did you expect, they’re your kids, you can’t think other people should help’.

I have family overseas who keep insisting we bring the DC over, my youngest is 2 and a complete wrecking ball who can’t be trusted around ornaments/pools/roads, and they live in a very much not-childproof house. I’ve refused so far, which has upset them, because I just KNOW I will spend the entire holiday dealing with DS and occupying/monitoring him while they drink and socialise and enjoy themselves.

I would just be honest and say you don’t want to go unless the accommodation and style of holiday is something your youngest can manage and therefore YOU can have a holiday too. Can you go back to Ibiza?

I get quite cross when I read about things like this - where women (and it’s always women) are made out to be party poopers or anally retentive because they don’t want to spend time and money stressed out their minds so everyone else can have a nice time.

We deserve a holiday too!

You know your own child @Merryoldgoat . I imagine that your lovely in-laws are possibly thinking that it can't all revolve around your child and that it's their right to do what they want, and they want to dictate all the terms. That's simply not how it works with children with additional needs. It will be hell for your DSR and therefore for your family if you go with their wishes or try to reach a middle ground. You and your H just need to stick to your guns. You have accepted the challenges of your situation as a way of life now 💐. Your in-laws simply haven't grasped this.

You really need to sit down with them and explain what your life is actually like on a day to day basis.

What happens with DSR when they do childcare for him?

Yanbu to save them from themselves. They will not enjoy the proposed holiday with DS2, but unfortunately sometimes people don't know what they don't know.

Has she had it spelled out to her in words of one syllable, this is what is going to happen if we take DS2 to old churches etc? Does she understand the level of work that is going to create, what it will do to her levels of peace and enjoyment?

Would taking a pa make it work? They could take your younger child somewhere they enjoyed being or dmfeed them beige stuff whilst the reat of you went out?

As someone in a similar situation to you I think you are completely right to just say no though. I would in your situation.

I think you need to keep putting it back on to them - "we're happy to go if we can choose the accommodation so it's suitable for us" "we're happy to go if we can stay in separate accommodation" etc. Then it's them saying no each time, not you.

Why should what they want trump what you need? If an AI holiday is what works for your family that is the holiday you need. If they book to stay at the same complex as you they can take themselves off to churches etc. whenever they want. I don't think any 3 year old, baby rhino or not, would enjoy an 80 year old's holiday and they are being either dense or selfish to expect them to.

Ask her which of them should suck it up and not be upset, her or a 3 year old.

@Merryoldgoat DSR's mum and dad also need hide of rhinos 😀. 100% solidarity here. The reason you do so well with your boys is because you totally get what works and plan from there. Slotting in with what others prefer is a recipe for disaster.
Hold your boundaries if your suggested compromises aren't acceptable. Better MIL's transient upset than misery for your whole family.

DSR is a great way to put it! My DSR is verbal, potty trained and educationally does well but still throws himself around like a wrecking ball from morning to night. We holiday to 1 hotel, have only done so since he was 6 and it has softplay, trampolining, bouncy castles, a pool and acres of land to run on away from traffic. We couldn't do what your on laws suggest either even though he'd manage better than a couple of years ago. My mil wanted overnights from babyhood etc but even she realized when he was 2ish we weren't being pig headed he was just too much to give to someone else overnight because of the distress he'd suffer and the fallout afterwards. I'd tell her it's separate accommodatiom or nothing and try to be very clear you'd love to go if things were different. Sorry it's hard. I get it. Friends take their kids abroad and have since tiny babies. I'm chancing a 25 minute flight in April and I'm sh*ing myself.

The difference here is that you realistically can not compromise on the things she doesn't want to but could if she was really serious about a shared holiday. I'm sure she is lovely but as you said she sees the cute side of having a baby rhino to cajol and herd to keep safe and not the very hard parts or even the mental load of considering and organising these things.

I would maybe get your DH to have one more chat with them. Try and understand where they want to go and see if any compromise can be reached in terms of destination and accommodation.
Unfortunately it sounds like the intransigence of age versus acknowledging the needs of a SEN child.

Center Parcs in separate accommodations could possibly work I think, but even if a perfect location is sourced I doubt it will be much of a holiday for you.