Holiday dilemma - SEN children and PIL

this. It sounds to me as though they just don't understand and need to understand. If that's not possible then its going to have to be a "really sorry but that won't work"

My in laws used to say, when booking things that I said he wouldn’t cope with, ‘no one will mind if he gets upset and has to leave’.
Well… we will mind. Because we will be the ones managing the meltdown, not being able to eat our food and having to take him out of the restaurant. It’s not fun for him or us.

One of the hard points about being a parent to a ND child is working out how honest to be to people who love him (and you) about what life can be like. And that it is not his fault. So language is used like ‘meltdown’ which allows both sides to acknowledge it is out of his control but doesn’t allow clarity on what actually happens.

Eg if I say ‘DS is likely to have a meltdown if he gets hungry’, that can be translated as ‘I might need to leave the room with him to calm him down’.

It isn’t easy to say ‘DS will only eat this food. And if he doesn’t eat, then he will start to hit me, and himself, and throw things, and scream at the top of his voice. And the screaming doesn’t stop when I take him out of earshot. And it could last 2 hours. And at the end of it he would still need something to eat, and so would I. And while he then may recover, I am mortified for the rest of the holiday.’

I would say to your MIL that you want to go, but they need to compromise. You can draw up a list of options with your DH and let them choose and just repeat if you want us to go, then any of the list we gave you is fine, otherwise just go without us.

I think your inlaws are being really unfair here. They can offer something, but then it's on you whether you accept their gift or not. And that should be the end of it. Even leaving aside all the complexities it's unfair to put this kind of pressure on you - there can be 1000 reasons for turning down an offer of anything and a mutually respectful relationship would let it go once you say no thank you.

My daughter is ND and very typical for girls - intensely people pleasing followed by massive meltdowns later, just for us. So my inlaws really don't get it and they don't understand that we take the brunt of whatever is difficult during the day. They actually took us to Cyprus last year and I had to be borderline rude when we were working out the plans. After a few slightly tricky conversations, they actually ended up just giving me the budget and I found the accommodations that worked for us and gave the best chance for a successful trip.

My daughter needs her own space so we got a bigger than needed villa. She hates crowds so I got us a place with our own pool. We did a couple nights in a hotel but then most of the time in self catering so we could have more control over times and menu to eat. We rented a car so my husband took them on a couple of historical themed day trips while I took the kids to the beach or hung out in the house. And not because I'm a default parent, because I have limited ability to solo with my inlaws! When they got back I'd go down to the beach to read for a while or watch a movie or whatever.

These are not things that my inlaws would prefer (they love a leisurely alcohol fuelled dinner. And lunch. And breakfast.) but their priority was ensuring we all came and everyone had a nice time - and mostly the focus was on their 2 grandchildren. Just to say there are other ways people address this and if they respected you like they should, they should know you wouldn't ask for something that wasn't important.

My inlaws compromised and everything we needed was for mental health reasons (for us and her!). You have that plus the extra safety concerns which should be the absolute priority for all of you, so it's really sad to me that they can't see that. Your primary goal is keeping your child safe, that's true for every parent of course but you have to think about it all the time for far longer than parents of NT kids - or just kids like mine.

So I'd, kindly, sit them down and give them a couple options - you can pick a few places ahead of time that will work for you (Eurocamp, a villa somewhere pretty, whatever accommodations you need including short flights, easy airports, etc etc) and say 'these are 3 things that would work for us. If they don't work for you then we can celebrate together before or after but we cannot compromise on safety' and then it's up to them. And sure your husband and older child can go if you like, but if they want all of you there that's for them to decide.

sorry - this is crazy long. I have a lot to say apparently!

We've managed UK holidays the last few years with my parents and 2 ND DC including our own 5 year old DSR. It's definitely not a holiday for us, but we do it to facilitate the kids having time with their grandparents as they don't live locally and we are aware they won't be around forever. What's worked for us is:

Self catering - slightly higher end properties with nearby amenities e.g. pool, games room in walking distance. Grandparents don't have to cook (as they are paying). We go through the property at the start of the stay and rearrange furniture /hide all the breakables (then put it all back at the end).

We don't all do the same thing during the day. No dragging DC round a stately home just because grandparents want to see it. We tell them what we are doing each day and they choose to join in with us or not. We all have dinner together most nights, if they want to go out to a lovely restaurant one night that's fine but we don't join.

I think you can make it work if you (and they) want to, but only if they compromise a bit and you to stop thinking of it as a holiday for you - and accept that some bits of it will be utter hell for you in the interests of DC having a holiday with grandparents.

Or just say no, that's always an option!

The Op has suggested separate accommodation, AI hotels, going without her and their youngest, going on a long weekend.

So I think the next few compromises could come from MIL.

Just send her the URL for this thread with your easy-to-understand explanation at the top.

You seem entirely reasonable and I am sorry
they are putting this additional pressure on you.
I hope that they will see the perspective of your DC additional needs. Have you written a list of absolute non negotiables to suit their needs to see if ILs can find something that works for them? If ILs have budget for multiple trips that seems their most sensible approach so your MIL can have the best of both worlds.

Yes yes, perhaps DS2 could agree only to be non-verbal autistic for half the week.

@Blushingm
This families life is already always a huge compromise.
Saying you can't do something because you are disabled is not someone not being willing to compromise, it is someone expressing good healthy boundaries. You wouldn't expect a wheelchair user to make a compromise and agree to a walking holiday would you?
This is the same. These guys can't make the compromises that the grandparents want them to and so are thoughtfully bowing out of the holiday rather than get in a heated debate about whether they can "alter" the disabilities of their child to suit the holiday.
Having to explain why you can't do some things all of the time is exhausting.

I know (hope) you meant to post something helpful but it came across as extremely patronising.

OP you list a whole host of reasons why the last holiday worked. Perhaps there is an extra layer too - that doing the same sort of thing next holiday is a really important part of settling him and making it work, and keeping the whole thing positive.

We have got to the stage now of villa holidays and days out sightseeing (of a fashion) with our autistic DC but it's a process. We have a concept of "holiday normal" which DC takes great comfort in, and it gives him a jumping off point to expand his horizons. It doesn't mean always doing exactly the same thing, just not changing too much at once. In your case I would think the familiar food and shortness of the break are must-haves.

Our first AI holiday DC ate completely beige except for one new food on the last morning. A couple of holidays later he was filling half his plate from the salad bar (admittedly with exactly the same salad) at every meal. Now we can holiday in a villa or a hotel and he eats more widely than he will at home, because "holiday normal" has expanded to include trying new foods. But it had to start by re-creating that safety each time. Trust your instincts.

Just the idea of my 7 year old autistic son on a cruise ship gives me palpitations!
OP I get it, I have a DRS. I also have lovely ILs who try their best but don’t get it. They live abroad and when we visit they’ll book long leisurely meals (for a kid who only eats cheese and fruit), sight seeing trips to ancient monuments, boat trips… I mean I’d love to do all of that stuff, I really would, but the reality is that our lives don’t look like that any more.

Could you stay near but not with each other? Also don’t let your husband leave all the dsr care to you, I get they are his parents but he is still a parent and needs to step up to give you a break.

There are so many options that aren't either an all inclusive hotel or a quaint European city break.

Is there anywhere easy train or car distance from where you live? Or could you get a villa in France? Ideally near somewhere the adults could go and enjoy nature/culture and the kid can enjoy the pool and chill out at home.

Sorry, it just sounds so lovely that the grandparents want to treat you to a holiday and it would be such a shame if everyone didn't get to experience that because of your son's disabilities, including your son.

Compromise means give and take on both sides and it sounds like PIL want it all their way. Taking SEN kids round European cities would not be something we would do with our GC because they would be bored and disregulated and a nightmare for our daughter and her husband. PIL should either go on their own and do what they want or come to a compromise with OP about what is suitable for what sounds like a severely disabled ASD child. Or just take their son and elder DGS.

Following on from the Centre Parcs suggestions could you propose a European centre Parcs? I feel it would rock so many boxes for your group:
Can share a lodge with plenty of space but not full of ornaments or could get separate but neighbouring lodges (ideal if they would agree) lots of rhino-friendly places to run and play, parks, swimming etc BUT also can go out and explore the area, choose somewhere with historic properties or whatever it was a short drive away. Lots of beige options on site but can also leave for the naice restaurants - could even feed your DSs chips on site and then have them sit with an iPad whilst you all enjoy a meal? Don’t know if that would work for your family so just an idea.

You can aim for somewhere a short flight or even drive via the Chunnel if that would work better for you.

You have no idea about me! How rude!

As a SEN mum - though my DS is a bit more like your older DS - you're doing amazingly. And I completely agree with the PP who said you are very much downplaying it!

I think you're absolutely right to just put your foot down and say this isn't happening. Most 8yos wouldn't want the holiday you've described your PIL wanting, let alone one with your younger DS's needs. Your PIL sound lovely but they've lost the plot a bit here in a way that is quite familiar: in the kindest way, they don't get it.

If you did want to look at somewhere that might work for the whole family, would Jersey be an option? There are nice hotels for the PIL, and lots of cultural stuff (castles, museums etc) in a small area. We stayed in a CP type holiday park (Les Ormes) that had a trampoline park and small outdoor pool, with a larger amazing leisure centre a short drive away. Even in August, it didn't feel rammed. No AI, but plenty of restaurants on the island that serve pizza and chips.

We have always taken the view no one has a nice holiday unless the children are regulated and it is less stress for my daughter and son in law as parents. Your PIL should do the type of holiday they like on their own if it doesn’t work for the rest of the family. It is always tricky with multi generational holidays though as differing needs. We used to take my 90 year old mum as well as our daughters and GC but now it doesn’t work so we take her away separately.

Could PIL come and stay with you for a weekend, you dont paper over the cracks, you do life as you always do, so they can see how much hard work it is?
And for what its worth, id be going on the hol and letting dh go away with little rhino.

Its hard isn't it it ?
Mu son is severely autistic with severe learning disabilities and completely non verbal hes nearly 16 now but with similar issues with keeping him clothed in public and safe
We used to do a lot of caravan holidays when he was younger but even they are hard work.

You could price another weekend. She might be open to going to two places at different times. Center parcs is very well designed for things like this.