Holiday dilemma - SEN children and PIL

Agreed. OP is, I would imagine, in a constant state of stress and hyper vigilance as it is.

This isn’t a holiday. It’s an anti-holiday.

And OP I understand how upsetting it is that this is the reality and nobody prepared us for this. Being a parent of an autistic child can be an extremely lonely place. Very socially isolating. No one understands why/that you cannot just sit in a coffee shop or do the normal expected things.

Fellow DSR mum here! And I will be adopting the DSR title so please don’t trademark it.

I have 2 x AuDHD sons. Both are very different. The eldest is in mainstream and from the Sheldon branch of the ND algorithm. The youngest has an EHCP (for now, narrows eyes at Kier), DLA and is waiting for a specialist school.

There’s a strong heritable aspect to ND: your in laws are being very intransigent……any chance there’s a bit of ASD at play there….?

As an aside, I also adore my in laws AND my parents AND most of our large extended family. They are brilliant with our DSRs but they absolutely do NOT get the 24/7 element of raising DSRs / ND children. Not their fault, as such, but I can’t help that either.

I also 1000000% agree with what you said about how this wasn’t how you expected life to be like. Non SEND parents, no matter how lovely and thoughtful, cannot appreciate that fully.

Sending solidarity.

Are the public/ open plan spaces not a nightmare with a baby rhino??

Flashback to the time my 4 year old decided to run off on a crowded cross Channel ferry and it took us over an hour to find him, and he could have gone over the side for all we knew.

But just to say if PILs won't compromise, given they are being the difficult ones, they will just have to not go. They need to accept the reality of your lives.

I agree, your DH has to be firm, and you will have to decline if they continue to insist on "their" type of holiday. TBH, even a neurotypical eight-year-old will get bored with endless national trust outings and museums.

Would something like Europarcs or self-catered accommodation work? I have my own DSR (mild, instead of severe) and the ability for him to go off to his own room when overwhelmed and have familiar food makes a massive difference. Plus, Europcamps have on-site activities you can choose to do (or not) and make a fantastic base for exploring the area.

I appreciate that self-catering isn't a holiday in the truest sense of the word for you, but it might stave off the more obvious triggers.

I agree with PPs, could you go for a weekend away ahead of time and have PILs look after DRS for a few hours so they start to see what it is like?

Sympathy re different phases of life/interests. My family and I stayed in a stunning apartment full of antique furniture with PILs in Italy - PILs adored it, DH and I were horrified at the number of expensive delicate things our small DC could break/ruin and were very stressed any time we were in the apartment. Could you get an Air BNB which might offer more opportunity to find something that can meet both needs eg we stayed somewhere in the South of France with ILs which was a basic holiday cottage (nothing much to smash!) with a hot tub, in woods and by a river that the kids could splash in and charge around, but was in the grounds of an amazing stately home. It was near a large supermarket where you could get a wide variety of foods, with lots of little restaurants doing takeaway so we had different food to the kids qnd could make them eg basic pasta whilst we had some nice French food. Of course this still may not suit, but Air BNBs can be a bit more unique.

Not only is it not fair on you (and let's face it, it's supposed to be a holiday for you too!), it's definitely not fair on your son and you're doing the right thing advocating for HIM.

We travel quite a bit with our ASD daughter - and to the outside world, it looks like she takes it all in her stride, but behind closed doors it's very different. There's so many things we have to take into account.

What other people don't see... we have to get a taxi, or we'd never get her out of the house. We can only book certain flight times, so as not to disrupt her sleep pattern. Journeys by car or bus can only be 90 mins max. Other people's devices / background music are like torture for her, even with noise cancelling headphones. She needs her own room and bathroom so she can decompress before and after each 'bit', so after travelling, before dinner, after dinner etc. A whole day of anything is a no go. She's probably able to last 2 hours max then needs to go back to her room. She doesn't like bright lights, including sunlight, or strong smells. Even taking all of this into account, holidays are (very) tricky.

If someone else booked a holiday for us as a surprise it would be a disaster! You know your son and what he can cope with. You've been more than fair offering to stay home with him. It would be great if you could find common ground, but don't try to shoehorn your DS into their ideal holiday.

I'm not talking about anything that would cause more distress.

OP has already mentioned what happens on weekends away, and hasn't said anything to suggest that DS is distressed. One would hope they wouldn't take him if that were the case. What she has said is that it's exhausting for her and DH to contain DS2, but that PIL wrongly think it's a break for everyone because they go with him to the playground for an hour.

Posted this before the edit too. I don't think she should have to do anything either, but it's a suggestion as to how to manage this going forward- since they evidently want a holiday abroad with their DGC and there's at least potential for it to be something everyone might get some benefit out of. They're evidently quite fixed in their thinking. Some people need to be shown.

But then the OP has to put herself and her son through a ‘hard work’ weekend away. I think people are forgetting that it doesn’t just cause the carer of the child difficulties, it causes the child distress too. That’s why they have meltdowns away from home/routine, because they’re struggling and disregulated. I wouldn’t put my child through that just to prove something to my in laws.
ETA sorry that far sounded more critical of you than intended… I just mean that she shouldn’t have to do anything to justify her decision to her in laws.

I also remember that thread!

Trust yourself. Your experience has been hard won - you know what works and what doesn't.

All you can do is again outline a proposal that would work and then let them decide whether they can make the necessary compromises.

I've just come out the other end of a similar issue. The emotional pressure to make things right for everyone whilst knowing it wouldn't work was horrible.

When are they looking to book for? I wonder if there's time before then to go away for another weekend and make sure they have more exposure to how much work it is taking DS2 away. It sounds from your OP like you shield them from a lot of it there.

(not at all intended as a criticism btw I absolutely get why you would!)

The number of people who have taken this thread as an invitation to play travel agent and suggest alternative holidays - when the OP has already made it clear that the PILs won't accept any of those types of holiday and/or that they wouldn't be suitable or even safe for her younger son anyway - is unreal.

Ditto the people saying 'Oh, can't you compromise?' as if the OP wouldn't have thought of that.

OP, I don't have a DRS or indeed any kids at all, but even I can see that you YANBU here.

If any of you remember the ‘my son just called me mummy’ thread that is my DRS.

I do remember that thread! ❤

I'm with you OP.

It just doesn't work - however lovely and tolerant in laws are, what they enjoy and even their expectations are at odds with a child who needs a manageable environment, specific foods and predictable routines.

I would keep pushing for them to go with DH and older child.

Otherwise it won't be a good holiday and when it goes wrong everyone will feel terrible about it.

That sounds really difficult but I think you have to not allow yourself to be bullied and to simply say that the AI experience wouldn't be your cup of tea either but the only break it gave you was on the catering front.

Would something like this work? Not necessarily this place, but similar.

It's a hotel, with self catering apartments alongside. It has a big indoor pool and its right on the beach [the Atlantic so not warm but insanely flat and safe and lovely for a potter about].
There are lots of things to do nearby so day trips are easy for the grandparents and it's about 45 mins from Cork airport which is a short hop from the UK.

I highly recommend it but it's not cheap [the hotel rooms, apartments much more reasonable] especially in the holidays but I'm sharing it to illustrate the sort of place that might work for both of you? It's v popular with families so there is undoubtedly a beige food option on a kids menu and a proper restaurant for sniffy grandparents.

https://www.inchydoneyisland.com

Alternatively, if MIL wants to pay for a villa of your choice with a housekeeper/chef somewhere warm, then you are all ears.

The cruise ship that some one mentioned would that be an idea?

one were you get off daily and explore but you also have the option of staying on/going back to the ship early with son?

is there anyone who can look after him for a few days? Like your parents/siblings and you maybe go to were ever they are going for 1/2 days a then fly back solo and leave other DS with DH for the rest of the holiday?

We have two small children and have annual holidays away with wider family (including teen cousins). The past three years I have been in quick and researched and shared a few accommodation options that suit us (and hopefully everyone else!). Luckily, having teens we usually go somewhere with plenty of activities but I make sure the house has enough bedrooms, pool is fenced off etc.

Are you able to say youd love to go away again but could they consider xyz locations and accommodation options which would suit you better?

No very nice for other guests if a child is running around like a rhino wrecking everything!

OP, I am angry on your behalf. They may be nice grandparents, but there comes a point where obliviousness is pure ignorance. Their DGS is 8yo, non-verbal and only just toilet trained but they think you, as his mother, are being unreasonable not fitting in with their city break?

We got similar with DS4, my parents favourite refrain was "can't you just..." and pure wishful thinking. We ended up being bullied into an unsuitable weekend away and it was awful. The only upside was, having finally being exposed to the reality of DS's meltdowns and how constantly we had to manage him the whole weekend, they finally realised that there was no "just" about it.

Could you enlist her sympathy by telling her how difficult and tiring you are finding life, and how much you wish you could just relax for a week? It might mean swallowing your pride but if she’s so lovely I bet she’d be keen to help you find somewhere suitable.

This is what I was thinking too.
Plan together for a holiday that suits all of you rather than shutting the whole thing down.
Good luck, OP x

MIL will have to accept a compromise that works for all of you or go without.

Why should you and little rhino have a shit holiday just to keep everyone else happy.bits your holiday too.

And I noticed this mental load falls to you not DH so do what's best for you

@Merryoldgoat I've only read your posts so this might have already been suggested

I'm Autistic with an Autistic DC, and I've always found that most people just don't get what life is like for us. What has worked for me in the past has been to use an analogy that is more straightforward to them eg lay out all the things that DC need accomodated and then say that Autism is a disability and without these accomodations available, it's like booking a hotel with steps everywhere when someone is a wheelchair user. In my experience, people seem to understand physical disabilities far easier and it sometimes just needs pointed out that disabilities like Autism can be just as limiting

I hope you can get something appropriate sorted, your in-laws sound wonderful ❤

The OP has offered up a number of compromises but her PILs have refused them. It’s only a compromise if both parties give a little!

Resolve to compromise.
Book a place in a region that PIL and older DC wish to explore but at accommodation that suits your DS8.
Involve yourselves in choosing the place.
Choose a place with self catering options so that you always have some prepared beige meals ready.

You understand how he can not become hungry - so feed him often.

Prepare for the fact that you and your DH will not have as relaxed a holiday as the others. Take turns to be the on duty parent for the younger child. That means that whatever is happening every second day you might have to withfraw from the family group and cater for your youngest back at the accommodation or the beach.

It will be a positive outcome for your oldest child. Your young one might surprise you and improve with every trip.
There are limited years left for your aging PIL to suggest such holidays