Holiday dilemma - SEN children and PIL

I don't think it's odd that an 80 year old can manage a sedate sounding teen but would struggle with a child who requires the level of physical graft DS2 does. It's lovely that PILs and DS1 have that time together.

Hopefully she’ll see sense. If you stick to your guns, she’ll have to compromise or miss the experience. At the end of the day it’s her choice. Stay firm.

And yes, the siblings of high needs children often face a lot of additional challenges, so sometimes a few ‘perks’ are justified IMO.

It's really lovely that you're focussing on that - it is the most important thing here, that they love their grandkids and are trying (sort of, I still think it's really problematic that they aren't listening to you)

I hope some of the advice on here was useful and you have a better idea of what to say. It's so helpful that you and your husband are on the same page here as that would be even harder.

To be fair, it’s often just the way when you have a child with high needs. My mum has my elder 2 overnight but she couldn’t manage my 7 year old with non verbal autism. He only sleeps 3 hours a night for a start! Equally he wouldn’t deal with being away from me. I don’t think it’s favouritism, it’s just based on what everyone can cope with.

As someone with 2 very different kids, neither have ever had an overnight at granny's and I think mil always thought I was being precious but now it's looking like a realistic possibility and actually both could go as both are hitting this stage at 8and4. Granny in this case mentioned feeling bad she never had our eldest for sleepovers at 4, but she just couldn't have. At that stage he didnt sleep u til gone 2am and would be in meltdown from 11pm. Melatonin and just time and development have changed that.

My point is in OPs case this isn't necessarily favouritism at all

Odd that she is treating your boys differently? How does your 8 year old feel that his older brother gets this special one on one holiday since the age of 5 and this generous, privilege is not extended to him?

I doubt you would agree to it anyway and I suspect that they already know they couldn’t handle DSR…..so not sure why she’s ‘upset’ - maybe it’s reality biting for her?

Is there any further favouring of your older DS by the grandparents at other times?

Whereabout are you? I know a lovely nanny who does holidays with young people with disabilities. I used to observe her with her young charge when I was bringing my kids to sen swimming lessons. She does tend to get booked up in advance.

How much money is available for the trip? Can't you bring a babysitter along with you, so she can help with DS and everyone can relax a bit?

It's extremely selfish to call all the shots they should be sitting down and discussing it
So what if she's upset.

Learn to go about things the right way .

Hi @Merryoldgoat .

What sort of budget are you looking at?

A random suggestion that occurs to me - have you thought about Austria? I know a lot of the big ski resort type hotels have two bedded family suites with lounges where you four would be self contained, and extremely picturesque for the ILs. Very lovely in summer, without the ski crowd.

If you chose one eg near Salzburg your MIL could have culture coming out of her ears visiting there, and Austrian mountain villages are very beautiful and traditional. Peaceful walks on the doorstep. Not too long a flight either.

You could choose one that did AI and was child/ teenager friendly - you could look at the Kinderhotel chain, but I think others are available. Also the Water gardens at Hellbrunn would be hilarious for at least most of the family, and just outside Salzburg.

Just a thought?

Agree she is not being OTT - she is putting the basic but significant physical and psychological needs of her child first for his own safety.

I disagree that @Merryoldgoatneeds to compromise with the MIL (unless she has some very challenging physical and mental issues that need accommodating).

If I were the OP I would take time to explain but not apologise or compromise - if anything I would be looking at last years holiday experience and seeing where you can tweak / improve / adapt the experience so that he is not overstimulated/overwhelmed/stressed.

Maybe try to mirror your home routines and experiences as closely as possible.

As parents we are not here to indulge the whims, demands and delusions of grown arsed adults at the cost of our vulnerable and developing child’s challenging emotional requirements.

Holidays are important for family memories and that includes your DH and other son - they are rare and precious experiences and we need to protect them for everyone.

I would decide what is an enhanced family experience for you 4 this year and then invite MIL along (not staying under same roof) see how flexible and inclusive she is then. Shocked that she’s ‘upset’ is she usually so emotionally immature / dysregulated?

This is so well put. I think before we got 10 years into this SEN parenting lark I might have been one of those saying essentially "make the effort" for GPs' sake. But I just don't have the spare capacity for that now, I'm too shattered. In hindsight it would be the classic MN trope "setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".

You don't have prove anything to them OP. They have the choice whether to listen to what you are saying or not. Since you are secure that they love you all, hopefully your husband will manage to get the message through.

I agree. Even if you stipulate what would work for you, whoever is booking it will likely not really get it and book something which is not quite right. And you will have to deal with the outcome.

Are there other aunts/uncles coming along or is the plan for you and your partner and children?

Surely they will just get on with plans if there is a bunch of cousins and aunts, uncles etc.

Fellow DRS mum here. Love the acronym.

I think you stay home.

Far better they have a nice trip and feel sad you weren't there than have a bad trip and regret little rhino coming along. That's too sad for them and for you and for him.

There’s a strong heritable aspect to ND: your in laws are being very intransigent……any chance there’s a bit of ASD at play there….?

I wondered the same thing myself, but MN often responds badly to people suggesting anyone in a given scenario might be undiagnosed ND so didn't dare!

Yep, and I may end up with bite marks up my arm and a black eye and hair pulled out etc etc etc.

I just wanted to say how beautifully you write about your DSR, hope a holiday can be found that works for you all, if not do whatever makes you and your boys happy .

Omg the thought of a cruise gives me the absolute fear too. My own DSR would frequently disappear and I still remember the fear of losing him in a french castle with a sheer cliff top drop and in a shopping centre next to a dock. Also, the lights and carpets would have been massively overwhelming for him