18 year old dd will not let me attend A-level parents' evening

HRTFT but in my last 2 jobs in post-16, once the students have their 18th birthdays they have to be asked to sign a consent form for us to be allowed to speak to parents, and they have the right not to sign it.

As a parent, I would set it out to my daughter: if you want to be an adult then you can, but along with that comes responsibilities like paying rent and expenses (phone, car, food). If on the other hand you want those things to be paid for by your parents, the deal is that we remain involved with your education as well. So, that’s the choice. You can’t pick and choose the rights of adulthood without any of the responsibilities.

Teenagers yes ,18 + not so much.

I think this is part of the issue with a child turning 18 so early into the school year. She feels ready to be independent, she is legally an adult, yet still being babied.

People have very odd ideas IMO about the independence of teenagers. They remain the responsibility of their parents in every way.

Of course they aren’t financially self sufficient while still at school. However I find it surprising that so many people are adamant that parents may not show any form of interest in their children’s sixth form education or they will be violating their rights.

I don’t go to my oldests parents evenings. He is 18. But, he’s transparent with me. I know what grades he’s getting and as he has unconditional offer for uni (common in Scotland with how highers work) I’m not concerned.
In your shoes, I’d be calling the school. If she wants to be an adult then she needs to act like one. Not communicating and being rude to you is not being an adult.

DD is Y13 at college and they still do a parents evening where we have to book a slot ourselves.

If you are struggling to pay the car insurance for her then stop. If she can't afford a car then she needs to suck it up. Lots of teenagers can't afford a car.

Also, discuss Uni with her. If you can't afford to fund her then make that clear from the start. I certainly wouldn't be funding her if she is cutting you off.

She wants to be an adult, let her adult on her own and deal with all the consequences that it brings.

The law around the age of majority is unclear: students are not financially independent of their parents since parental income is assessed for the purposes of student loans. I believe that the law needs clarifying.

So the age of majority should be changed back to 21? Not everyone's mum or dad picks up the pieces.

I think you’ve got other issues going on that need addressing, you mentioned how she’s behaving etc. I’d let the parents’ evening thing go. I wouldn’t expect to go a parents evening for my 18 yr old dc. I don’t think they even have them at colleges do they? Which is where she’d be if her school didn’t have a 6th form. When I went to college at 16 my mum wasn’t involved in my education at all anymore, apart from a bit of encouragement when exams were coming up. I did way better there than I did at school with my parents hassling me after every “she has potential but doesn’t put the effort in, she doesn’t listen etc” negative comment after negative comment. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. At that age a young person should understand the importance of their own education and be self-motivated enough to work hard to pass their A levels. If she’s not, you going to her parents evening isn’t going to help. It needs to come from within and she needs a supportive, trusting and positive home environment & relationship with you to do it. So I’d focus on providing that rather than persuading her that you need to go to her parents evening. It’ll just embarrass her and make things more difficult between you

I think she says the law should be changed so the university can talk to parents. Who picks up the pieces when someone's life's in a rut? The university tutor or mum and dad?

I find it interesting that most Y13 parents go to parent teacher night. DS1 is in Y12 and I'm thinking of leaving them to it!

It's been the same thing for the past 13 years - he's lovely but needs to work a bit harder if he wants to get better grades. Every single time. He's aware of the grades he needs to get into the course he wants and the teachers know what he wants to do and how best to support him. He emphatically does not want any help from us.

So you think Universities should break the law and risk being fined millions?

We have always been extremely explicit with our children that our financial support for their studies comes with conditions attached, mostly that they work hard, keep us fully informed of progress and ask us for advice and support if they are struggling. I am always a bit surprised when families don't function that way tbh.

I used to workwith 18 year olds in uni and we werent allowed to talk to parents as students were adults. I strongly disagreed with this when students were really troubled as parents pick up the pieces when things go really bad.

Going from A*/A grades to C grades is a big concern and has drastic consequences for the future. The fact she's gone from an academic superstar to this isn't great. She was on a good track and pathway. You don't want her to have regrets in the future of "if only I had studied harder in sixth form and put effort in I'd be doing better in life"

I do hope it’s not this.

But it does look that way.

Did you pay for the car? If so, unfortunately you need to take the keys off her and stop paying insurance until she shows you some respect. If she's an adult now she can pay herself!

It refers to people with parental responsibility for the pupil but if pupils are over the age of 18 their parents obviously no longer have this.

he is like. Good attendance until starting to see him, clearly not putting in the effort at school she used to as distracted as him.

She knows this is all going to come to a head at parents as teachers will tell parents things have gone down. She's worried they'll read her the riot act and put a stop on car/boyfriend etc

OP, rather than insisting you go, try telling DD that you want her to do well, but that she is an adult now. Explain that you have to assume she's struggling because otherwise she wouldn't feel as strongly about parents evening.
Point out that as her parent, even though she's an adult, you dont want to see her mess up, so you're going to stop paying toward the things that you believe are a distraction from her studies.

When she shows really bad attitude or rudeness, you can do the whole "you're leaving for uni very soon. I'm not going to treat you like a child. If any other adult sharing my home spoke to me like that, I wouldn't be helping them out with washing /meals/ cleaning /transport or money. I do it because I love you, and this is your home. But Im not a fool".
Or "If you speak to uni flatmates like that, they'll not be your flatmates for long. Just because this is your home and Im your mum, doesnt make it OK to speak to me like that".

She has a lot on - evening job, car, social life, boyfriend, studying - I imagine that the less immediate/appealing / urgent stuff isn't getting much thought (ie studying and homelife).

https://ico.org.uk/for-the-public/schools/pupils-info/

This refers to the right of parents to access the educational records of pupils. No upper age limit is specified for pupils on this page - I don’t know if there is a limitation at 18 in the underlying legislation?

Being financially self sufficient and being considered an adult by law have never been connected.

Prepare yourself.

She's not going to Uni in Sept. She's flunking out. She knows this or is in denial about it and doesn't want to face the reality of it.

@18yearoldhell It sounds as though she has very late onset teen attitude. Ours was the opposite, a complete nightmare until her GCSEs, revved up again for a while after that. I was glad she went to uni.
If she's being horrible to you while you're nice to her you have nothing to lose. Call the school and make your own appointments. Calmly tell her that's what you're doing. I fully understand the "picking your battles" I had to let some things slide because she was draining me.
If you aren't happy with the teachers feedback, tell her the things you're going to do. If she's having meltdowns anyway, it doesn't make any difference if she has them over this.