To have said I won't be having grandson anymore?

Both my children were in nursery at 7 months as I needed to head back to work to pay the bills. Both my children are in top grammar schools (17yo and 14 yo) so it did them no harm. In fact the opposite they learned to adapt and socialise from a very early age. The GF just wants an easy life so gives the baby to both grandparents.

Your situation makes my blood boil and brings back memories of very difficult times. Unfortunately I’d like to say it’s just one baby but it’s probably the start of so many other issues. You need to step back. They need to see how hard it is raising one child so they do not repeat it until adulthood. Stay firm, your DS goes to college or he looks after his DC. If he doesn’t want to, then HE tells his GF this. They decide together about nursery. Give them back the reins to do as they wish but count you out.

Why don't you go and see your GP?
You son is still 16. He may be able to get support from CAMs.
I don't think anything you or your H can do will make any difference.

Mainly because your 'feelings' don't match any action.

Being at your wits end means you make changes.
take the bike away.
Sit him down and say you won't stop making enquiries till you know where he gets his money.

You're not doing anything - just moaning.

You said this- She/they go to her mums from Friday night - Saturday night/Sunday afternoon.

The you said this-
The girls mum doesn't have grandson at the weekend. DS and his gf do.

I think anyone would interpret that as meaning your son, his girlfriend and the baby stay with her parents over a weekend.

So her parents do have him but your son and GF are there as well.

Op when did you last take his phone and really trawl through it? Have you looked at advice for parents online how to properly check as some apps have hidden sections?

If his behaviour change is sudden, you don't reliably know where he is during the day, he's coming back smelling of weed and he has large enough sums of money that noone can explain then this needs to be reported to social services and he needs a safeguarding assessment done. The money, the drugs and the attitude are coming from somewhere. You need to make it your mission to find out where.

The place to start is with his phone. You also need to have a really open conversation with your dh to be sure he's not secretly giving him money and I'd be asking the gf too.

You're asking for solutions? The bike belongs to your husband if he bought it.If you're too weak to demand your son hands the keys over, take the wheels off. Or lock it.Personally, I would get the keys and sell the bike and put the money in a savings account for your grandson.
Who cares if your son is hostile?
He's walking all over you and your husband because you've taken the easy way out.
You're his parents, you don't have to explain yourselves to him.
If you don't model calm, assertive authority to him, it will be too late.Do you want to be in the same situation when he is 18?

You have no idea where your teenage son is getting his money from. He isn’t taking any responsibility for the child he made. He has no ambitions for his future and is about to be kicked out of college.

And yet, you are blaming his girlfriend for the fact she became pregnant, accusing her of lying about contraception (as if your son didn’t have options.) You also think her mother is to blame for talking openly with her daughter about having sex. This is a girl who has made sure she is working to provide for her son, trying to find a career that will set her up and has shown maturity beyond her years in becoming a mother.

You can disagree with her mother’s parenting, but the words glasshouses and stones come to mind.

You made a commitment to look after your grandson on which his mother has organised her work life. You want to renege on that deal because you are struggling to parent your son. She is once again being punished for his failures. Don’t do that.

But you act like this has just 'happened' but you've allowed him to contribute nothing to his family, work, etc.

I do feel for you, but it really is time you stopped being so passive and put-upon.
Your husband must play a bigger part in getting your son under control. It sounds like he is pulling against you not with you.
He was a fool to buy your son that bike....it's time for him to admit he was wrong, and do something about it.

I know times have changed but I can’t get my head around how he’s ended up like this. I’m early 30s, at 15 I had a Saturday job and was doing well at school . I can’t even imagine how my parents would have reacted if I took drugs and got pregnant and didn’t turn up for school - it just wasn’t an option. I wasn’t allowed to run wild - I certainly wouldn’t have a bike, a mobile phone or money. Does he have cash? My dad would have been searching me/ my room daily and confiscating the money off me.

That's not the answer.
Why leave a vulnerable baby in the care of an immature 16 year old who is probably drugged up most of the time?

Before her apprenticeship started she asked me if I would have grandson 2 days a week and her mum has him the other days. I agreed and I usually pick him up at about 8:30 and have him all day I give him a bath here and get him ready for bed and usually drop him off at about 6.

“She lives here as we have more space and she has many younger siblings and her house is crowded, and we have a spare room which is grandsons room. She/they go to her mums from Friday night - Saturday night/Sunday afternoon. I know them living together isn't ideal with them being so young but they do have a baby together.” to my op

@Fireplays who is looking after this baby and when?
You've said different things.
You say her parents have the baby Friday to Sunday. Who has him over the week? Them?
Where are you dropping him off and when? If her parents look after him at a weekend, why are you picking him up and dropping him off?

I would just tell the girlfriend he doesn’t want a education clearly so from now on he will be looking after their DS, instead of being a bum.

Okay so post what she did say to clear it up.

He's tired because he's on drugs and seems to exist on energy drinks.

I have asked where he gets his money from, he just says his Christmas money (he didn't get a lot) or his gf but I don't know if he's telling the truth

You're very gullible.
You know he's lying but you won't own it and respond to it in an adult way.

The only threat we've given him is if he rides his bike under the influence we will report him to the police but he hasn't as yet

How would you know?
He could take off on his bike and take drugs with his mates and you'd never know.

Sorry, OP but I think you are being a little passive now. What do you want to happen? It's not going to just change because you want it to, and your threats of not looking after the baby if he drops out of college are falling on dead ears. You're not helping any of the three children involved by being passive, in the long run.

He isn't fit to look after his baby, and if the police have brought him home a few times, as you said earlier, he is wrong doing....get to the bottom of it.

But firstly take that bloody bike away.🙄

That's not what OP said.

You are way too passive as a parent, which is how it's got to this situation.

I feel so sorry for that poor baby.

The girl's mum has the baby at a weekend but sometimes the OP also steps in if need be. It's not clearly explained. But the fact is the girl doesn't appear to live with her own parents.

The problem is the OP didn't explain everything fully at the start and has added more info later, some of it not really tying up.

If you think I'm defending her son maybe read my other posts!

You're just repeating the same excuses for him. What do you want people to say to you?

Erm OP said the girlfriend's mum looks after GS the other three days of the week. The girlfriend is also a minor but is looking after their child. Bollocks to the 'girlfriend trapped him' nonsense. Please stop making things up to defend OP's son. He's already having enough excuses made for him. Time he stepped up and faced some real consequences for his own actions.

Like it or not, the baby is here, and he will have him/her in his life for the next 18 years minimum, even if it's just a financial arrangment. When he does earn, he will rightly have to contribute, whether he is still with his young girlfriend or not.

The sooner the girl goes back to her parents, the better.
This relationship is unlikely to stay the course for life!
It's 99% sure it will end in them splitting up and the girl will have to find a place to live.
Her family are getting off scot-free other than a bit of child minding at a weekend.

All it's doing now is making the son more aware of this foolishness (OP says maybe the girl wasn't on the Pill. He should not have taken that chance and used condoms as well.)

Teenage girls 'trapping' their boyfriends by having a baby is a scenario as old as the hills.

He cannot move on with his life while being asked to care for a baby when he is a child himself. He's still classed as a minor.