Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

Fertility doesn't drop sharply at 35, aneuploidy only increases around 10% between 35 and 37. OP is open to IVF and PGT is accurate for full aneuploidy. NIPT also exists.

What on earth. A sibling is a sibling age gap is irrelevant. My kids have a 6 year gap. They do have different interests obviously one is a teenager. You could have a two year gap and kids be totally into different things and they can fight all the time. My eldest babysits the youngest now and they like to be around each other. The gaps become less relevant as time goes on and a sibling is for life not just the first few years. I have friends who have sisters with 10 year gaps and are very close. So giving a sibling is a life decision for her other child. Op is right to consider it.

It was the final

’It’s devastating to most people…’

Seemed to suggest that I was not ‘most people’. But clearly I misread the tone.

Lots of people are saying your risk of dying before they reach financial independence is much higher, but this isn't true. There is very little difference in the risk of a 30 year old dying in the next 30 years and the risk of a 40 year old dying in the next 30 years.

I do think you need to be sure in your minds what you are going to do if the foetus is found to have developed problem or Downs.

My friend had her first at 40 and her second at 41 never once complained that she found going through the menopause with them a problem. She pretty much had an absent husband too, due to his job.

Op
Dont read anymore negative stuff.
Go forward and live your live and be happy.
You have one life life to live and its now.
Be the postive person for your family and live your life.
Sending you postive energy.

Will you be setting yourself a rough deadline of when you would keep trying to if you didn't conceive quickly?
From your initial post mentioning IVF it sounded like you had already been trying a while but then you have said you have only just started (which is where I think maybe you should have started sooner knowing you wanted a second).
I think early 40's is fine but once you get to 45 for me personally that is then getting too late. I know others have posted they had babies that late but I think that's where you would begin to find it hard with a bigger age gap between children.

Suggesting a 5 year gap is like an only child is ridiculous 😂

Age 4 and 9 playing in the park, 5 and 10 playing lego, 10 and 15 playing basketball, 13 and 18 walking the dog together, 20 and 25 going out shopping/cinema/movies, holidays together, raising their children/cousins together. 3 of my neighbours have a 5-6 year gap between all of their children, 2-3 siblings in each house, and none of those 8 kids have ever been like an only child.

Euploid embryos have a 50-70% success rate, very possible at 40 with IVF.

Why are you even confiding in your sister when you already know there’s some judgement in your family about your choices? Do what you want to do. You’re not old.

I think it is hard to imagine, in our relatively youthful 30s and early 40s what we will feel like in our perimenopausal 50s. It's another country. And unless you've visited an adjacent 'land' of, say, a significant physical ailment or loss, it's hard to picture yourself 'there'.

Not too old OP. Had my second at 39, my mum had her last at 40, my sister had her second at 39, my brother had his fourth at 46. I'm a primary school teacher and it is much more common now. People are living longer now and sure we have to we are 67 these days. Do what's right for you and your family.

I don’t think it’s selfish per se, but age 40 was my cut off when we were trying (unsuccessfully) for a second. I worried about being older with a second. You mention being a playful parent, but that’s easier at 40 than it is in your late 50s. In my early 50s, I’m finding the whole snipers alley thing sadly all too real, having lost some dearly loved friends and family my age or younger. I remember when DH turned 50 and he admitted he was glad that we’d stopped trying, as just the thought of having a primary aged child then (as he would have done if we’d had a child when I was 40 plus) was exhausting. We’re both reasonably fit and healthy, and he was very playful.

As demonstrated on here, lots of people do have children in their 40s, I’d just make sure you’ve really thought about how different having a young child as you approach 50 is to approaching 40 and also, whether it will impact retirement plans if you have a child to put through university as you approach or turn 60.

Yeah I find this pathetic. Fair enough you won’t like the same things as a 2 year gap but it doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy doing stuff together or be close. Lots of kid friendly stuff now for all ages. It’s said by people with no imagination or who can’t be bothered

Also who says a five year age gap is ‘viewed as two only children’?? I have a sibling 6 years younger and one 2 years older. We’re all very close! I appreciate it can be more challenging to do activities that suit all growing up but maybe it’s a good early lesson that your personal wants and needs aren’t the only consideration in a family.

My remaining parent is not in good enough health to have sole charge of my son. The other is dead (not at a young age but younger than average).

This wasn’t even the smallest consideration for me. I have never sat and thought ‘well how selfish of my mum to have had me later on’. She was working her whole life anyway, had about 3 years of healthy retirement and has since struggled with mobility.

Her and my son have a beautiful relationship. I am a little envious of people with regular childcare from parents but mainly cos of the huge financial saving. My MIL is barely 60, very fit and healthy and she chooses not to do it so youth is no guarantee of help. Many many people live too far to directly support each other.

It’s perfectly possible to manage without parental support to rely on.

@ProfessionalPirate DC (now early teens) have friends whose parents range between mid-30s to 70s. At their small, leafy suburban primary school, and in our social circle, DP and I represent the norm but since they went to secondary school they've broadened their circles and now have some friends with much younger parents; much closer to their apex of energy and fitness than me, now in my early 50s. They look at photos of me pre-DC and think it's hilarious. In my own mind, I'm obviously pretty much the same -looking well for my age, working out, eating well etc- but to them, I might as well be a different person.

Reading your replies on this thread, I think you're possibly being disingenuous -it is inescapable that becoming a parent later in life is more likely to bring 'time line challenges', what's the point in arguing the toss with outlying scenarios when statistics speak so clearly?

And @PuceGreen is right and you're being a bit of a dick for suggesting she's a hypocrite. Climate change is going to bring about changes to the way we live, the resources available to us and the kinds of challenges our children will face. If you're a parent in the Global South, you're more likely to be experiencing its effects already, but it is only a matter of time before we will begin to see more direct consequences play out here in northern Europe. It is not hypocritical to point this out in the context of considering what our children's lives might look like. My DC were tiny when I really 'got' the impact a changing climate would have on their lives: a cursory look into projected rising sea levels in my area in preparation for a property purchase, against the 'background noise' of occasional news items on global warming, prompted a poke around in actuarial predictions of logistical challenges arising from changes in the climate faced by the Big Four. Not some YouTube conspiracies, but published in their own policy documents. It was quite a few years before the climate issue became regular front page news and regional declarations of a climate emergency began to pop up as a result of direct climate action and a vigorous grassroots movement. But DC were already here. And, not able to un-know what I'd seen, I was scared for their futures and wondered whether we'd done the right thing. I still talk about the challenging outlook we face and make my life choices and consumer decisions against a backdrop of knowing that not only my DC, but DC of other men and women, much less privileged than me, in less advantageous parts of the world, will face the fall-out thereof.

That's different. If you don't meet the One til you are older having children can't happen. Living life the way you want for decades then having children at the end of your reproductive life with greater risk to them and you is a choice. One your teenagers and young adults will also pay. Your sister is right it's selfish but it's also your choice.

Honestly the exhaustion I felt in my 30s meant that it was a definite no in my 40s when we decided with DH2.
Im 55. DC4 moves out in September. I’m so done with parenting.

I also think you won’t be able to expect your kids to be doing any looking after you because they’ll be in the thick of it with their own kids.

I’m the youngest of 6 myself and DPs were too old to ever do any care for my kids. My dad had health problems from his 70s. They never ever had solo charge of my kids.

A 5 year age gap is viewed as 2 only children. Your eldest is likely to be gone to uni when the youngest is 13 at most so they’ll be living very separate lives. Developmentally they won’t be close enough for the eldest to get much benefit and you could argue it’ll be pretty shit for him.

My understanding from a much harsher thread on the same subject this week was the likelihood of a successful outcome is pretty slim. The earlier statistic was for nearly a quarter of births over 35. It’s around 5% for over 40 a lot of whom are on this thread! And 0.4 at 45.

If you dont think so not sure saying it on here will help, yes I think it is selfish but why does it matter what we think?

This is rather a bleak view of things! There’s no time in human history where things seemed like a good time to bring kids into the world. Whether you were talking about holes in the ozone and the Cold War or climate change and AI…there have always been reasons to be scared. The focus of these fears just shift. Also, as someone whose brother is 8 years younger…it’s fine. I adore him, we’re super close. Five years is definitely no biggie 😂 Saints alive, there are some odd notions on this thread!

It’s your choice and I understand wanting another, but I do agree it’s slightly selfish.
It makes it a bit better that you already have a child, but as child of parents who were a similar age, I won’t give the exact ages they were but let’s just say neither of my parents were here any more when I hit 30.
I know anyone can die or get ill at anytime but chances do increase as you get older. I feel really young to not have any parents.
However, I do understand wanting your child to have a sibling as that’s the reason I had my second.

I don’t understand why it’s selfish? Babies/kids are a lot of work, very expensive and you can’t turn them off or return them. I didn’t meet my DH til I was 39 and had two children in my 40s. No one batted an eye! Then again, many of my friends also had child/children in their 40s, my sister had one at 45, so normal.

Exactly, that's my experience. I was answering the poster claiming to be as energetic at 39 as in her forties. I just wanted to add that things can change quickly when you go into perimenopause.

Not selfish but I wouldn't wait much longer. I had mine at 39 and for a while I was the oldest parent at the school gates with 10 yr olds. Now im seeing mums and dads in their late 50s which means they had kids in their late 40s. They look tired like the rest of us!

It’s perfectly fine. Ignore her and crack on.

Begging your pardon, but I never implied that.
Because I never WOULD imply that.
Either you have me mixed up with somebody else or you’ve misunderstood what I wrote.
I would never suggest that in a thousand years, but I do apologise anyhow.