Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

But let’s be clear that that is the reality for any child. Not specific to OP. Are you suggesting that everyone stops having children?

I feel very worried for children and young people. Look at the state of the world: Global warming speeding ahead and irreversible, which will cause far greater migration and wars for resources than we're currently seeing. As seas rise, the British coastline will be flooded, including London. Thousands of nuclear weapons powerful enough to wipe out half a country each, in the hands of Trump, Putin, Kim, Netanyahu etc. AI is predicted to take 20% of jobs in the near future, and the founder of AI says that there's a fairly substantial risk (10 to 20 percent I think) that it will exterminate humanity, possibly in the next few years. This all sounds like science fiction, but it is our reality now. I think it's selfish to bring a child into this, yes. You've had great lives so far. Any child you have will not be so happy, even if you throw money at them.

If you remove emotion and think about it logically then choosing to have a child at any age could be regarded as selfish on the basis that no one NEEDS a child, it’s just what we want.

In the context you are discussing your family have absolutely no say in the matter and should really learn to keep quiet as their opinion is irrelevant. Many people are having children later in their lives for many reasons. In part for life experiences (as you have explored), for others stability and financial security. Whatever you choose to do is fine. Ignore your family and best of luck with trying for baby number two who I am sure will be loved immensely and well cared for.

It wasn't that long ago that babies continued to "happen to" women as long as ovulation was occurring, and they'd little choice but to roll with it. My GM on one side had last baby at 47, and GM on the other side had last baby at 49. 40 is not old.

You could argue that having children at any age is selfish because you are doing it for you and because you want to.

In regards to the sister judgement, I think it’s non of her business, and quite unkind.

You do what’s best for you OP ignore the judgement.

Yiu are definitely not selfish, nor are you too old. I had my first when I was 35 (IVF) and my 2nd at almost 40, but I’m no old biddy! I waited til I had a semblance of financial stability and maturity and there’s nothing selfish about that. Im sure your DS would love a sibling and you have done a lot to place yourselves in a good position (had travel and fun) to be fab parents. Good luck x. Ps my mum
had my youngest sibling when mum was 45. They have a very good relationship.

I had my children in my 20’s, 30’s & my youngest when both my husband & I were 40. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Follow your heart!

These kind of posts always seem to lead to quite passionate responses as people see it as a personal attack on their own choices. Some of the responses have been downright rude though and a few, plain old nasty.

All I would say is that you can't predict the future. You sound very loving and committed as a mum and will no doubt make a lovely parent to another child. My dh was 42 when we had our youngest and no one batted an eyelid. Yes of course he didn't have to go though a pregnancy but he is an older parent and that's just how it worked out for him.

I'm 39 and would not pursue another pregnancy at this age. However my life has followed a very different path to yours. I had my first at 29 and last at 34. Several women in my family have developed chronic health conditions aged 40 and I knew I wanted to complete my family before then and I was in a privileged position to be able to do so.

40 is old from a child bearing point of view. People might not like hearing it and just because the trend in the West is towards women having children in their late 30s or early 40s does not change that. There are risks you are well aware of and you and your dh have put a lot more thought into this than most people before trying to conceive. I wish you the best of luck.

Op it sounds to me like you have very carefully considered this and even more so than usual I think you are in a better situation to make this decision than anyone else let alone some randoms on the internet.

By the way I had kids in my 40s and thankfully it was fine. I do wish I had kids younger but that's just not what happened. Having said that like you I don't think I'd have been an equally good parent if I had kids in my 20s or early 30s. If you are happy to take the (slightly) increased risk of pregnancy, birth and genetic complications then I'd say go for it.

The biggest problem at the moment is that I'm a typical sandwich generation parent. Elderly parents that need a lot of care and kids too young to leave them alone to help out my parents.

She doesn't have "a fair few years left" at 39. Average age of menopause is 51 and you stop being able to deliver a healthy baby about ten years before menopause. The majority of people are done at 41. Many of the women everyone knows bouncing around pregnant at 43, 44, 45 etc. are using donor eggs via IVF and being coy about it - which is understandable when you consider that the first person to know that they were conceived via donor should be the child themselves, not the neighborhood. Yes, some will be able to get pregnant at 43-plus, but almost all cannot, which is why you can't have own-egg IVF past 43. The secret donor-users are making people think they have more time than they do.

The OP can probably still get pregnant at 39 and in the first half of being 40, but don't tell her that she has more time than she well might.

I say the first half of being 40 because a few months makes a huge difference at that age.

OP, since you're only 39 right now, you'll probably be OK, but I really wouldn't delay it much longer if I were you.

You’re 39 you’re not old you could have a fair few years left yet to have children. Nobody gets to have an opinion it’s your life and it sounds like you’ve done exactly what you wanted and enjoyed it. You’re not selfish at all, I hope you fall pregnant soon x

40 isn’t too old. Who cares about other people’s opinions. As long as you love and provide for your children then I don’t see the problem

Please don't call yourself old because youre 40, that's simply rude to other people.

If that's your perception frankly that's your problem, you're the one imagining all these problems.

If you want the baby, have it. Otherwise just don't bother but don't make out others are old mothers, this is just misogyny talking (and sadly some other women have jumped on the bandwagon).

So what. I've seen some young mothers be utterly c*#!p disengaged mothers, and brilliant mums who had children later.

None of anyone's business anyway.

Everyone seems to be focusing on what YOU want, and telling you to go for it, when maybe considering the childs needs should be the consideration.I had my daughter at 17 and was able to play on the floor,chase her around,and pick up from the floor without my back going. Nothing was any problem because I was young.This is not so easy so much later in life,if you are really honest,as I found out at grandmother age. Its not just you to consider and the age difference between the children would make "playmates" impossible.

You are not selfish. Research actually shows that a five year age gap is beneficial for siblings (parents have had time to recover from the baby phase, mother has physically recovered, dedicated time with each child, older sibling is able to understand and take on a caring role rather than competing). I had my daughter at 34, so was pregnant at 33. That didn't feel too late as we'd been married for a decade, had careers at a point where we could take time off or switch to lower hours, and had our own home - our baby was planned and we'd fully prepared for it. If we decided to have a second one I'd have waited until my daughter was at school, and would be about 40. It's very normal in this area for parents to be older, and generally the older parents do have the luxury of financial security, career stability etc. which only benefits the child.

Where is the exaggeration in stating the fact that the later in life you have a child, the higher the risk you will die before they are financially independent? The risk of death increases with age. Having a child at 40 instead of 20 doesn’t increase average expected lifespan from 78 to 98. Fact.

It is just maths. It’s not predicting lives or lifespans.
It’s not saying don’t have kids later in life.

It’s just science that having children on your 40s instead of your 20s means your child will on average will be 20 years younger when you die than if you’d had them in your twenties. This increases the chances of your child having to juggle elder care and child care as a middle aged adult. That’s demographics.

Your risk of dying in childbirth also increases the older you are when you get pregnant. That’s not an exaggeration either. It’s just science.

I have no feelings on the matter. I do not give a shit when people have kids or if they have kids. This is just maths that waiting 20 years until your 40s to have kids cannot delay aging or death and that’s a natural consequence of waiting which people who want kids should be informed about when they choose to wait.

It’s the flip side of the benefits of waiting which other posters have pointed out. Older parents are on average more financially secure. They often are retired when their children are teenagers, making them more available for practical and emotional support.

You seem to only have feelings about any consequences of waiting that are not positive.

All of life choices have consequences that are both positive and negative. It would be dishonest to only give the positives.

Unfortunately once you bare your soul on Mums Net you then have to answer very invasive questions that go off on a tangent and put up with everyone's opinion , either good or bad. I will just add - you do you, whatever makes you and your family happy.

I don't see anywhere in your post where you asked your sister for her approval. Tell her to keep her opinions to herself. Your life, your circus, live it the way you want to live it. Good luck

@Mysticmaiden you do not “receive all foetal parts from all miscarriages in the area” - that is absolutely ridiculous. What you mean is that you receive all foetal parts that are sent for testing, which is a VERY different thing.

The vast majority of women who miscarry will not send the products for testing. I have had 7 mcs myself and only one of them was tested. For quite a few of mine, the mc happened in such a way that I couldn’t collect the products, others were early so not much to collect, others the NHS said no point as likely bad luck/caused by my age.

There is a cost involved in testing and it is usually only incurred when there is a particular reason. In my case, the only one tested was because it was much later than all the others (10 weeks) and because I was on a full treatment protocol so it was unexpected, and testing was recommended to rule out genetic abnormalities to see whether the protocol needed to be changed.

It is scientific fact that older women have more miscarriages and it is precisely because of that, that younger women who mc are more likely to have investigations including testing. Please read this through carefully and if you still don’t understand it might be worth asking your colleagues about it.

I do not work in a genetics lab, I work in a pathology lab. We receive all foetal parts from all miscarriages in the area, regardless of how or what caused it. It has nothing to do with genetics investigation, it's literally sent to us for histology and examination.
Some specimens are sent for genetic testing, only the placenta not the foetus because the foetus is not allowed to be dissected or touched, only measured and external examined.
Your comments are so off point and non relevant that I'm not even going to continue to explain further!

It’s pretty factual that the risk of illness and death increases as you age.

Then no one should have a child because you can have cancer or a heart attack at any age.

Your exaggeration to make a point is not maths but trying to predict the future of people circumstances and lifespan.

To add to your examples - I have friends who have had primary kids and died in their 40’s. I have also had friends with ‘elderly’ parents who died in their mid 90’s. The elderly parents could financially support their children easily because they factored it in.

By your reasoning two thirds are financially Independant. So the majority.

Grandparents don’t have to juggle toddlers. Not
every grandparent is around to help/babysit/take car of grandkids so this doesn’t wash as a reason either.

Your points seem based on feelings rather than facts which is fine but it isn’t simple maths.

Around 29,000 parents with minor children (under age 18) die every year in the UK. Having children later in life increases the risk of you dying while your children are still children or young adults.

To recap my initial comment, every life choice has risks and as we all only have one life to live it’s ok to be selfish and live at least some of it how we choose to please ourselves. We grow up living for our parents, not how we choose.

Some adults choose to be a bit selfish up front and have children later- but there are consequences

Some choose to be a bit selfish later, have children young but don’t provide free grandparent childcare- there are consequences to that as well.

Some choose to be childfree and that also has consequences later in life as well as a lower overall life expectancy.

I think a bit of selfishness during our life is our right.
Our lives are our own and not meant to be lived entirely in the service of others.

I say own it. No sense pretending you’re not being selfish when you are. Which is what some seem to be arguing, that they are not at all being selfish in any way. Bollocks.

The risk of a woman dying between 55 and 59 is 3.9 per 1000 so hardly a huge risk. And that will include those who have known underlying health risks that are either known or factored in when choosing whether to have children, or can be mitigated through lifestyle changes. We all know of people who've died at that age, but we do need to keep it in perspective.