Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

I think having children at any age is selfish. (I had my DS at 41).

What a load of rubbish. It will be the norm for this generation. It won't be seen as an unusual situation at all. Most of the mums at my school are older. The ones in the 20s are the odd ones out. People lived a bit first before having kids. You only get one life, you shouldn't have to spend all of it in the servitude of others.

But your 20s, don't you think they were much more yours than your mums or grandmother's were?

Personally I think having had kids later women are encouraged to have kids earlier so we can't ever reach full financial, educational and personal independence and we stay very controllable.

Oh no, not this again

You’re absolutely fine. I had my second at 42 with a 14 year gap. It’s absolutely none of your sister’s business. Good luck!

Do you have the money for IVF? Will that money mean your son misses out because the money you have saved is spent on your attempt to have another child?
Do you work? Will you cope mentally going through IVF, looking after a young child and then it possibly failing? Will you be able to fully be there for your current child?

As an only child of older parents I never understand the logic of having one child and then not having any more because you’re “too old”.

You were already “old”, so the choice is whether you have one child who has cope when you’re elderly alone or you have more that can support each other. The ship has sailed so you might as well have another one if you want. (And I don’t think you’re too old!)

I would never say it to you, because it's not my business, but you asked, so ...
Yes, I do think having children that late in life is selfish. My parents were v early 20s when I was born, my Nan was 40. I feel so so lucky to still have parents who are fit and young and healthy, and grandparents who have met my kids and know them. It's worth more than money for sure, and I think a lot that I didn't have kids until my 30s, so they will never have what I did. I do think 40 is far too old.

There's no right way to do it. But people like to think there is and judge people who they think aren't doing it the 'right' way. If anything I think it shows they aren't confident in their own choices. You sound like you have a happy set up and want to welcome another child and have the resources both financially and emotionally to do so. So what if they think you are a bit on the old side when they are a teen--they are going to hold something against you when they are a teen so if you are following that logic you can't have kids at any age!!

Just stick with 1 child OP. Yes it’s selfish. The stats regarding biology are not in yours or the unborn baby’s favour. Surely you know that?

Tell your sister to mind her own fucking business.

I think the only time it is selfish to have a baby is when you have no desire or ability to care for it.

I guess people who say it is selfish to have a baby at 40 is because they think there is a greater chance that you might die before the child is 18 but realistically very few people die in their 40s or 50s.

I learned something new today. Elderly is now 45-50. 😂

I also don’t think the death rate for a 58 year old is that high.

Come on, I think your exaggeration to make a point is slightly comical.

There's a generation famed for this kind of attitude. I suspect a lot of current grandparents will be shocked at the lack of elderly care.

I don't actually like my mil that much and she can be a passive aggressive busy body. But she does help out when she can (albeit with plenty of passive aggressive remarks chucked in) so I'll be more than happy to be there for her elderly care as much as I possibly can.

She’s being extremely narrow minded imo.
Is it jealousy?
Does she have children (plural), and not want you having two?

I don't think it's selfish but a bit misguided and naive about how hard things will be in 10 years, possibly. It's probably difficult for your mum to have a lot of sympathy when you were in a good position to have a child earlier but chose not to because of travel etc. The struggle is very much self inflicted.

Absolutely fine to not want to provide any childcare for grandchildren but the assumption that adult children should then be there "when you are elderly and need extra care from them" is a bit rich!

I couldn’t help picking up on the “we’ll try a few rounds of IVF”. If that is your plan, make sure you’ve got many thousands of ££ spare, and indefinite resilience. IVF nearly destroyed me.

The title says your sister says your selfish, but the post is about your mum saying that. Are they both saying it?

Either way, ignore them, it's none of their business.

My mum had me at me at 25 and died at 56. She was old when I was a teen.

My friend had her daughter at 47 and we both now have 8 yr olds so she's almost as old as my mum was when she died but she is like a young and trendy mum at the school gates who also has a lucrative and well established career and a lifetime of travel memories before having kids.

I fall somewhere in the middle and honestly my 20s were incredible I wouldn't have given the freedom of them up for anything. True freedom with no dependants. Once you have your children they become the focus and rightly so. I was determined not to have kids until they could be the centre of everything and almost didn't end up having any due to fertility issues I knew about right from teenage years

Op live your life how you want, if you have secondary infertility you will get through it, enjoy your life and your son and those regrets, remember you don't know how things would have planned out with different choices, we were together over a decade when we had our eldest and 6 years before even trying for the first time. I genuineky think we parent so well, with 1 SEN child and another who seems neurotypical, because we had so long getting to know each other and investing in each other before moving into being parents. I wouldn't change it.

My mum was 34 when she had me. My dad 40.

I definitely perceived them as being older parents when I was a kid. And I was a bit embarrassed. Mainly my dad.

I'm now 36 and my dad has been dead for 5 years. My mum is coming up 71 and she has mobility issues. She can't run around with her grandkids.

However, nothing in life is guaranteed. Some parents drop dead in their thirties leaving behind small children.

Also all this talk about travelling and living lives… I thought having children was the best thing ever etc. ?

Agree 40 is not average age, it is as late as many people are able to go. In such a long term relationship, it’s really pushing it and IVF could have been avoidable 5-10 years earlier.

Average where?

Your mum thinks you were selfish? This same mum who made mistakes that meant you went to counselling so that you could avoid doing the same?