Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

If you're so sure why the maybe sentence at the end of your OP @MyTaupeSwan ? Plenty of people do what you've done. You clearly talked about it. Don't start doubting yourself now.

Best of luck op. Ignore any stupid comments like the ones you've got both in real life and here.

“Might try a few round is IVF” is a very strange way of thinking. You will not qualify for NHS treatment as you already have a child and it’s very expensive for no guaranteed positive outcome (mentally, physically and financially). Can you afford to wave goodbye to £40k or so?

Loads round us had dc in their forties. It’s fine.

My mum and dad had me when they were both aged 40, due to fertility problems and miscarriages (they tried for a baby from age 29 and in 11 years managed two live births - mine and my brother).

Will you kids resent your age? I can’t see why in the long term. I resented my mum during my teen years for all sorts of reasons including briefly resenting her age and general uncoolness because I was a teen. After that I have only ever been proud of her. She worked hard to “stay young” and keep fit. She was a wonderful, energetic, wise, funny, independent lady who died age 84 when my own kids were still young. I valued the time we all had together and I never found her age actually impacted anything in my childhood.

I agree.

It’s ridiculous, if having a baby isn’t enjoyable or fun why do it at all? So many posters say ‘OMG I wouldn’t have wanted to change nappies at 28, no thanks, ugh’ - ok but if it’s that awful why have a baby later on?

I don’t think that 40 is too late to have another child if you’re both healthy and have plans in place for anything unexpected happening while your children are still young, for example, having life insurance, talking to family/friends about whom would be their guardians, etc. All rather grim but best to be prepared.

My Mum unfortunately died in her 60’s after developing a chronic disease in her 40’s so I’m aware that we should never assume that we’ll be hale and hearty for decades. But many, many people are.

If everyone started having donor egg babies at 58 tomorrow, it would be normal, but still not healthy or optimal.

It just isn’t what nature intended for someone to have a first baby at 42, that’s why the miscarriage rate it much higher as are the odds of disability and caesarean section.

It’s definitely possible, but we can’t skirt around the risks and drawbacks because of feelings.

Mumsnet tends to skew towards older mums, or at least 30+

Lots more anger directed to young women for wasting their life and settling etc.

However, I will say I don’t understand the “I’d never want to have a child in my 20s/40s, cant think of anything worse” sentiment from anyone. If you love being a parent and love your children, then I don’t understand what is so bad about having them earlier or later? Might not be ideal but do people really feel this strongly?

Anti-young parents are basically admitting their lives are now limited and suck / anti-older parents are admiring they are decrepit and knackered at 40-50.

It’s none of my business but you asked, so here’s my answer.

Yes I think it’s selfish to gamble your child having a parent die much younger, or them having a higher odds of disability, or their likelihood of a sibling, or their opportunity to have grandparent help when they have children, or just older parents in general (most kids wouldn’t choose this) because you wanted to spend years and years enjoying yourself.

I’m not saying rush into settling the moment you can. But 18 years of dicking around enjoying yourself and shoehorning in a baby at the end? Why not have 10 years enjoying yourself and then a baby?

I know a lot of people who have done this and they all end up panicking about their age. Not initially as they ‘feel young’ but usually when they’re 60 something with school aged kids and go through a health scare, or realise they may well not see their child marry/have children of their own.

It’s your life though, you’ll just have to own what you have decided.

Your kid will be 50 when you die. Don’t be daft 🤷‍♀️

I was 41 and 43 when I had my sons and they are fine and healthy lads. But MN just hates older mums so I expect you’ll get some grief….

That’s your take - personally I can’t think of anything worse than having babies in my 20s. And in many circles the OP wouldn’t be considered an old parent. When I was growing up, it was more of an embarrassment to have very young parents (especially if they consequently didn’t have much of a career to speak of). Parents in their 40s and 50s who are health-conscious and look after themselves are perfectly capable of keeping up with their children.

FWIW I had my kids in my 30s so I don’t think I’m just being defensive.

Why have you waited 4 years to have a 2nd?

I think it would have been better if you’d only waited a couple of years.
If you struggle to conceive then you’ll be even older.
You really don’t want a big age gap between them.

If you didn’t have a child then I’d spend more time considering it but that horse has bolted and so you might as well.

I think it would be fairer to your child to have a sibling too.
You’re going to be in your 60s by the time they’re at uni, you likely won’t be around to help with grandchildren etc and your kids obviously won’t have your parents around for too long either.

I think having that support from a sibling is so important (I have an only child and it’s something I regret), especially when you have elderly parents.

Its not just being a child/teen.
Its going to uni, getting married, having kids, going through abusive relationships, losing your job, going through a divorce etc - things that you need support from family and I think having a sibling can be really beneficial.

Why would it have had to be your 20's? Nowadays women are more likely to start in their 30's. I was 36 when I had my first and only. And even mine and my DH age pushed it as my little one is having to go through assessment for autism and he's non verbal at 3 and a half. My nan had 12 children. The three she had at 40+ all have a disability of some kind. I'd hoped being mid to late 30's wasn't that much of a risk but as you can see unfortunately it was for me. I hope if you do manage to conceive that you get a healthy happy little one 😊

We were very similar to you. Together 18 years before deciding to have children. Both were conceived very quickly, two years apart and my only regret was maybe not starting a fraction earlier as we would have had three.

Your son will be at least 5 before he has any sibling. That's a big enough age gap that they won't want to do the same things. Of course they might still be close, but don't fool yourself that you are having a sibling for him.
I do agree with this though. They won't ever be at the same stages until they are adults. That's not a reason not to have a large gap but you need to be aware of that.

Well having known a few people who have gone through IVF to get there one (and only) child I am just wondering if you were aware of the implications. One person I know quit work because of the stress of it all, and were reliant on their husbands income (they got the baby but then divorced a year later). Another friend was in their final round having had NHS treatment before going private and spending thousands (a grandparent gave them the money for one last go which they were thankful for as they got their little boy).
I just think emotionally whether it would take a lot out of you and you won't be enjoying time with you son as you are so focused on giving him a sibling (which he may not be interested in). A friend has a 5 year gap with her boys and finds it really hard in the school holidays as they are not into the same things due to the gap - things are too old for the youngest or too young for the eldest. It sounds like you think they will be missing out by not having a sibling, but they might not be fussed about them if they did get one.

well your big mistake @MyTaupeSwan is discussing it with anyone other than your dh /doctor. When you are pregnant, announce it. Before that, don’t. And given how your family has been, wait until after you’ve had a scan to announce, they don’t sound very supportive.

if they say anything else do a vague “we’ve decided what will be will be, not avoiding getting pregnant, less likely this age. Would be nice for DS to have a sibling but not the end of the world if it doesn’t happen.” They won’t be people to lean on for support when having ivf etc. don’t invite opinions.

Although there is a risk of problems at any age the risk of disabilities increases with older parents and this is starting to be recognised as a driver in the rise in SEN. How would you cope with a disabled child?

Its absolutely fine to have a baby at 40 - tune out the noise and go for it!

People always have children for selfish reasons. Unless people on here genuinely think that they owe it to the world to reproduce and have done so for that reason, contrary to their personal wishes.